Over ten years ago I started this blog to process the tumultuous nature of the marriage that was ending. Ten years of living side by side with an addict and alcoholic had taken it’s toll on me and I couldn’t live a half life anymore. Ten years of living by someone else’s mood and opinion. Ten years of mental abuse and ridicule. From age 20 to 30 I was in this place of constantly being made to feel less than human. It was where you met me, a shadow of a person. It was hard to let go of the pain, but eventually I did.
From early 2011 to now, I have grown in confidence and self-assurance. I’ve stood up for myself and others. I’ve decided what kind of friends I want to surround myself with and what kind of friends to hold at arms length. I have taken charge of my finances and bought things that I previously thought would never be an option for me. Millennials – even us elder millennials get a bad wrap on perhaps never being able to buy a home of our own – but I did that. All on my own a few years ago. I’ve literally built a life from the ground up that most people would be proud to live. It was hard being homeless and jobless with the boys all those years ago, but it’s still hard, just a different kind of hard. Everyone has their struggles.
My ex struggled with alcohol addiction the most. He had also struggled with other things, but mostly alcohol. At one point in our marriage he could drink a half gallon of vodka in a day…every day. He would quit really good jobs. He would ruin family relationships. He would hurt himself or me. He would apologize and go to treatment, but would always repeat the behavior before too many months had passed.
Part of his story in the last ten years is one of treatment. He sought treatment several months after we returned to Texas in 2011. He lived in a halfway house and went to AA and NA meetings, but not long after moving into an apartment of his own, started drinking again. In 2012, he found a nonprofit operated treatment program that was residential, but struggled with the rules. He left and found a job, but then started drinking again, and he ended up homeless again. By the end of 2012, he found a program that started as a homeless shelter, but then he qualified for an alcohol treatment component so they moved him away from the homeless group into that program. They paid for his life for the whole year of the program. He complained the whole time, but he complied. He did the meetings, he did the work, and he did everything they asked of him. After this program he moved into their long-term living space, he attended school with grant assistance, and after 2 years of classes and 1 year of clinical hours he had almost earned his LCDC (Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor). This gets us to the end of 2017.
In 2018, he moved into an apartment of his own to finish the second and final year of his clinic work to finally earn the license. He was doing well. He finished school, took the exam, and earned the LCDC before the end of December 2018. That was the last Christmas he spent with the boys. Of all the holidays or celebrations, I always made sure their dad was at Christmas. It is one of those holidays where you are supposed to be with family and throughout the challenge of the years that had passed, he was there. The week before we had picked him up for this holiday he had taken a tumble down the stairs trying to help his neighbor. He shattered 2 ribs and reinjured an ankle that was held together with plates and pins. Rather than going to the hospital he found some pills and a few drinks to stave off the pain. I learned this after he disappeared. Following Christmas we couldn’t find him. He had made plans with the boys and when that weekend rolled around and I was trying to confirm, I couldn’t find him anywhere. I apologized to the kids and said that surely he would call or text. It was a week and a half later that a woman called from my ex’s cell phone to inform me that she had left him at a convenience store in the Dallas area, and had taken his wallet and phone for his own good. He had been on a several weeks long bender. If anyone could find their way to trouble…it was my ex.
As a “solution” to the situation, he checked himself into another rehab center. This one was made to resemble military style training and AA and therapy all in one. He hated it. After 6 months he took the first bus from Dallas and never looked back. He only had a weekend pass and was supposed to go back, but like all things…he gave the thought the finger and found his way to another halfway house in the Houston area. He lasted 2 weeks and ended up homeless again. He begged to stay here with us. That was a non-starter. He called the place where he had lived so long that he accomplished something and they didn’t have any beds in residential, but he could stay with the homeless population for a few days and something should open up. This is where he landed at the end of 2019. He did not spend Christmas with us.
Then came 2020. We all had a shitty 2020. There really isn’t a story here, but for him, he was locked into quarantine in the residential section of this homeless shelter due to covid. We didn’t see him for months. He eventually got a job when they lifted the lockdown at the shelter and he moved into another halfway house. He worked for a month before the company he was working for laid him off due to new covid restrictions. He filed for unemployment. He would spend a few weekends a month with us or asking if he could, but I did not want to spend my every free moment with him…so I worked it out so that he would get to see them about every other weekend. The boys love their dad and they only got to see him in my presence, so we made it work. As time went on, my ex’s anxiety turned to panic attacks which turned to medical episodes and he was given the choice to spend a few months in a different kind of mental hospital for treatment of things other than his addictions. Treating the cause of them. He went. He was in this program until the end of March this year. He was released with the help of a social program that finds homeless apartments and then pays for their livelihoods while they reintegrate into normal.
On March 25th is when I got a phone call at 5 in the morning. “Can you please come pick me up?” I was asleep. I didn’t know he had been released from the mental care facility, and I didn’t know where he was. As you can imagine that kind of call, I said I would come after I dropped the boys off at school. Two hours later I arrive at the hospital downtown and he gets in the car. His clothes are covered in mud and blood and he has scratches on his arms and face. He explains that he was walking across the parking lot at the grocery store and had an episode. He further explained that he got really confused, fell down, and someone that had seen him called an ambulance. He didn’t know what happened, he didn’t have keys to his apartment, and he didn’t have his phone or wallet. They must have been taken. He smelled like a distillery and he was shaking like he had been drinking since he was released from the program. He swore he wasn’t. He spent the next four days recovering on our couch where there is no access to alcohol or prescription drugs. We took him and the belongings I had stored for him to his apartment. He gave us the grand tour and found his keys and phone in his apartment. No wallet though.
April 9th he came to stay with us again. That every other week thing was starting over. Arriving Friday and leaving Sunday was fine. He stays in a room of his own and can be helpful. We went to the park and to the Space Center. I took the youngest for a haircut and he freaked out the women in the shop as he lurked…there really isn’t another term for it. He was just waiting on Michael’s haircut so that we could leave, but he lacked patience and ability to sit still. I about lost my temper at that point…but I remained composed. He stayed to Monday so that I could help him buy his replacement drivers license and request a new debit card and make appointments that he had missed the previous week. Fine, whatever, but I made sure he was really going home that night. I had things to do for the job that pays all these bills the next day and he couldn’t be there. He agreed.
I keep playing this next part over and over in my head because it’s the last memory I will ever have of us having any kind of conversation and it sucks. It makes me feel guilty because even after all that he has put us through, I aim to never be rude. I still cared that he knew people cared, but that Monday afternoon, after all that I did, he begged to stay at the house for one more night. When I say begged, he begged to stay and be in our house instead of going back. I stared at him for a moment. “I would prefer you didn’t.” “Please Meg, I will go back tomorrow, I promise.” “I have things that have to get done tomorrow, I can’t help you get back before that tomorrow.” “Please! I will do anything.” I stared. What is the response to someone who doesn’t hear you say no? No matter which way I put it nicely he asked again, trying to wear down my resolve. Eventually, I yelled at him, “This is my place of peace, which I have worked my butt off for and would like to spend a few hours not stressed out before tomorrow. You being here causes me pain. You not hearing me reminds me of all the times you haven’t heard me in the last 20 years. You being here hurts. Do you not understand the effect of our history and how you always wanting to be here makes me feel every time you are here? I make it work, but it is not comfortable or good for me.” He said, “Fine, I’ll go.” We drove him home in silence. That night I apologized to the kids for the outburst, but it needed to be said in the moment because I shouldn’t feel like that in my house. We didn’t hear from Danny again. He didn’t call or text me or the kids at all that week.
Then last Thursday, April 22, I am standing in the loading dock of my office handing out treats for National Volunteers Week when I got an urgent message from the Medical Examiner’s Office. I called back. It was like the floor spun around as I stepped away and redialed the number. Danny died. All the ache and trauma replaced with this hole of grief inside me as I learned the only man I had loved in my adult life was no longer somewhere walking the planet. In so many ways I wanted him to leave us alone, but in every way I wanted him to be successful and have a wonderful life…just not with me in it. It’s hard to reconcile the grief I feel to the pain I felt. Danny was easy to fall in love with. Everyone that has ever met him has talked about how beautiful his soul was and how much he helped them through whatever they were going through, and how he gave the best advice. He was just troubled. He was hard to love because he couldn’t love himself. There is no amount of love and sacrifice that can save another person, believe me before 2011, I tried. As I sit here a week later we don’t know what happened. Eventually there will be a scientific report from the medical examiner that tells us what they determined he died of, but that doesn’t reconcile the loneliness he must have felt those last few days. That doesn’t answer all the questions I have after seeing his apartment, where he was found after having been gone for a few days. Intellectually I know there is nothing else I could have done for him. He had to be willing to do things for himself. That doesn’t make that last conversation replay hurt less.
If you are suffering from an addiction or mental illness, please seek help or treatment. There are programs and treatment centers made for every income or history.
Life is hard. It is a different kind of hard for each person. Get help. Get clean. Spend the future with your friends and family living life to its fullest. You can do this and you can make a difference for others.
If you have been affected by someone with addiction issues, it is also important for you to get help. Creating healthy connections with people is something we have to relearn after the experience. We know how to sacrifice and give everything to others, but who is caring for you? If you are like me, you have to learn that and you have to learn to set boundaries and you have to learn how to be okay with the unknown. We can not save those who will not save themselves.