Ramblings…need my book back!

My internet is not working tonight and I would really like to write a blog. So, I am writing this at 10:23 on Tuesday April 4, and I will post it later.

We have decided to stay in Houston. It’s a better fit and as much as I fought against being in this city before, it is home. When I left I said I will NEVER live there again. What do you know…18 months and a kid later I am back. Life is funny that way. You rail against something only to find that it is just what you need. You need the smog, the access to the beach or city, the traffic and the weather. It slowly became a part of you and you didn’t even know until you were gone. I suppose life is like that in many aspects. So, why am I here? I keep getting that question. What happened? I thought you had a house, a job, and all your things are in Burnet aren’t they?? Well, yes I did have a job and a house, and my things are still in Burnet.

But sometimes you just can’t go home. All the things and people who made that little piece of my heart home are no longer there. The smells are all wrong, the feel is all wrong. It’s like buying a pair of pants. You buy them because you thought they were your size, they looked right, but you don’t take the five minutes to run to the dressing room and see that you have grown. You aren’t going to fit into that pair and you are a little disappointed.

To be honest I am very disappointed. I had this vision in my head of what life would be and it just wasn’t working. Take one step forward, take three or ninety steps back. I inched forward with the job, I was delayed one week, then two, then three, it’s down to the week before my planned start date and they need numbers (that I have already sent) and then they need to process a background check. Ok…I get it, but you couldn’t have asked for this information when I sent in everything you asked me for two months ago?? So, really bad impression of the future company that I was supposed to be working. I signed a tenative agreement and I was able to break at any time. Obviously sent them the email that said, uh…thanks, but no thanks. Seriously, if this is the first impression of the company, if this is the disorganized mess that I am joining…I would rather not. Think they would have given me the job if that was their image of me?? NO! I need stability at this time. Granted unemployment is not stable, but I am looking for a long term career here.

The remainder of my answer to why I am here. Spring break. SINCE I was still not working I took a little trip. On my way through previously I stayed less than a half a day in Houston and so we came back for 4 days to see friends and family and spend a little time catching up. We saw so many people in that four days that I don’t think I could name them all. The day we were supposed to go back so that Elijah could rejoin the educating class and I could go to work I called to make sure I was supposed to report for duty and was told, nope…not yet. So, I thought and my Aunt IMed me and asked if I wanted to come to their house for a few days. I haven’t left yet.

They had been talking amongst themselves and were wondering why I chose Burnet. I chose Burnet because it was where I remember being happiest. I don’t remember why (at least at the time I hadn’t thought about why) but it was where I remember euphoria. It’s where I grew up, it’s where I always hoped to one day live again, it’s where I became a Christian. I thought it was home. I wanted the boys to feel those same things, I wanted them to go to small town schools, and have lots of friends, and be able to play in the backyard. How wrong I was. I was envisioning a place that no longer exists there for me. Elijah couldn’t play in the backyard, the euphoria was gone, the places I used to frequent are mostly gone. The first night I was at my aunt and uncles they asked me if I wanted to live here and start over here and I didn’t know. It took the whole week examining my life to decide. I participated in life as if I were going to stay.

Mostly I thought. I examined my existence, and felt like I was settling. Like I wanted this so bad that I was willing to live in the crappy house, willing to take the less than stellar job, and willing to struggle every day for the rest of my existence for a dream that I no longer needed. It is a dream that maybe I still have, but I know that it is not for me now. I have sad country songs floating in my head. To be completely honest I am petrified of what I have done, but I have faith that it is the right choice. I have no idea how I am going to get my belongings from Burnet or where they will go until I get a house. I just know that I can sleep, perfectly soundly. I can breath and my boys get to play with their friends. Elijah gets to see his best friends and he is home. He is exactly where he needs to be.

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