Today is a new day. Fresh dew is on the grass and the sky is the most brilliant cerulean blue. As I look out my office window I can see dragonflies dancing on the drought hardy blooms.
In a scene so at peace, why is it I feel so discontent?
Why is it that I can’t let myself soak in this beauty and stare in awe at its wonder.
Life – in a word.
Life is not easy, but why does it have to be so hard?
There is so much wonder and excitement. But there is also so many times we just get through to the next step. So much baggage that we get lost in carrying it all with us. Perhaps that is the problem.
Perhaps I am concentrating too hard on what is, instead of on what could be.
Several interesting prospects have crossed my path this week, and I got lost on what is, instead of on what could be. I allllllmost told them to bugger off.
Luckily for them, I am of a thinking nature and have thought long and hard, and have decided to move onto the next great adventure with my big sister.
What is life if you can’t share it with your sisters?
The progress sort of makes me feel like an old maid. (I am not an old maid.) But I am turning 31 soon, and will have a finalized divorce soon, and my oldest is starting kindergarten. I haven’t got a husband and I am going to live with my sister, near the many other women of our family without husbands. We will get to watch our kids grow and maybe meet someone worthy of a second date.
It is odd isn’t it? 30 years ago people in either of our situations would have been shunned (for lack of a better term). We would have been living on the edge of society instead of embracing our trials and overcoming them and flourishing in spite of them. It is a sign of progress.
Woman’s liberation aside, I do long for the old days.
I guess I had never thought about what I wanted after I had kids. I guess I thought it would magically happen. I guess I figured that a traditional home, with maybe the mommy working outside the home once the kids were in school was normal. Instead…I didn’t ask myself or my partner those questions. If you have read any of my other posts you will know that I didn’t ask much of him.
I am asking myself these questions now because…my kids want me to be with them. My oldest begs me to stay home with them every day, and my youngest will some day join the chorus. I never thought I would be the kind to be a stay at home mommy. I always thought that I would want to work and provide and I knew that is what I wanted to I marched full steam ahead. Claiming women’s lib and wearing it as a mantle. I had a house husband. I had a son. I had a job, one that I was great at, but I never saw my son. I never had to work on the house. I was near breakdown when I walked away from the job.
Now I am nearly divorced. My kids still never see me, and all I want is to be there with them. Our time together is precious so anything that has to be done gets put to the wayside. We read books. We laugh. They play with their cars and toys and I watch them from the other side of the living room.
As I watch I long for that very traditional household. The one where mom gets to stay home with the babies and dad goes to work. Mom cleans the house, cleans the kids and has dinner ready soon after her husband gets home. I know that person exists. I know she does despite her woman’s lib mantle.
Perhaps after my time as an old maid living with my sister, I will find my traditional life. I will be able to raise my kids and do all things domestic.
I have good company and good teachers for that.
Some day the dragonflies will be circling the flowers in my yard covered in fresh dew instead of the office garden.
Love and hugs, blessings and dreams…