If you are like me you relive portions of your life in an effort to understand what got you to this point. Think and wonder and try to get to the bottom of it. Like Sherlock Holmes you pin point where in your path the switch was flipped that made everything different.
I wonder about my journey a lot.
It is a lesson in futility I know, but I still think about it. What if I had done this? What if I had done that? Why couldn’t I tell this person how I felt at this point in time?
Maybe everything would be different…maybe it wouldn’t. Who knows?
I do this constantly. I need to stop.
“Why?” you ask.
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER!
I am a woulda, coulda, shoulda person, and can’t stand it. I made choices along the way that brought me my children, brought me a purpose, and brought me here.
Without those choices I wouldn’t have met some fantastic people. I wouldn’t have let go of bad relationships and friends. I would have never had my boys.
Most of my teenage years were spent as a doormat to other people’s hopes and dreams; and through “a series of unfortunate events” I was finally forced to find my own. What is life if you live it to another’s purpose if it is not your own?
My goal was to make other people happy, to hell with what I thought. I wanted to be a good daughter, I wanted to be a good student, and I bent over backward to make everyone think that it was what I wanted. I did that every day, every year, and through every circumstance for the better part of three decades.
Soon I will have my 31st birthday. I am finishing the degree that I started in 1999. I am living with two of the most handsome little boys who ever walked this earth, and I am loving almost every second of it.
Because I have given up trying to make everyone else happy. I live now for me. I live now for my future. I live now for my kids. I live now.
I suppose that is really the goal. To live. To thrive. To have hope and peace and love.
It is only through God that I am able to come to terms with not trying to make everyone else happy. Even thinking over the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s I have God at my back telling me the blessings that He has provided.
I hope through Him the blessings will grow and multiply, and the rewards in this world will continue. I hope that I can stop looking at the past long enough to live now.
Love and many blessings for your Monday!