Agony of defeat

There is nothing more painful than sitting on the sidelines and watching some of the people you are closest to spiral to the depths of a drug induced coma. I have been forced to watch this more times than I care to count.

It’s not that you don’t want to save them.

It’s not that you don’t want to keep them from their fix.

It’s not that you don’t feel such an immense amount of pain at their situation.

It is that you can’t do anything for the unwilling.

The thing about an addiction is that you have to leave the addict to their own devices. They won’t change, they won’t sober up, they won’t see their path until it is too late. I wish there was a fun-house-type-mirror that shows someone after their first hit what their life could be like in 5 years time if they keep using.

Loss of life, kids, cars, homes, family, and so much more that is lost from within. You lose your faith, force of will, pride, and self-respect.

There are no words for the pain those of us on the parifery feel as we are watching you.

Addiction is the worst kind of disease. It consumes you. It eats at you. It makes all reason and logic disappear. Addiction is the epitomy of deceit.

You feel like you are on top of the world, only to crash to the depths of hell without so much as a stop on an even plane.

Then, for people like me, who tell you over and over and over and over that there is so much more to life, to just be told to shut the f*** up. Let me be. I can handle myself.

We want to grab you and rattle you to your core, and shout to the ends of the earth that you are worth so much more than this!

It starts small this thing we call addiction. A little pot, a few pills, a little bottle from the local package store, but eventually that is not enough. Nothing is ever enough for the true addict. Nothing is more fixating or penetrating than the need.

The constant need to have more, do more, achieve that same high you felt the first time. Only nothing is ever the same the second time. You won’t ever feel that way again. You will try and try and not achieve that because that’s how it works.

You remember the feeling, but at the same time you don’t. Because you don’t remember the exact circumstances, life, or emotions that lead to that high, you just remember the feeling.

I stand in the agony of defeat at the moment because yet again I have received news of one of my favorite people having everything taken from them.

It’s tragic this thing that smart, ingenius people let take their lives away.

I can’t help but hope that this, their first trip to rehab, will be their last. I know that statistically that is not reality, but I can hope.

Hope, pray, and be there.

Be there for the people in your life who you may not agree with their choices but they aren’t the ones making the choice! Drugs, alcohol, sex, addiction in general…once you allow it to rule your life it rules all parts of your life.

If you are in my situation, you know know one or several people that struggle with addiction, I ask you to be there for them as much as is comfortable to you. Don’t go to the extreme and develop a codependant bond, but if they are hungry feed them. If they are naked cloth them. If they are hurt patch them up.

We can only do so much.

We can only be so much.

Pray. Pray for them. The most powerful thing you can do is to pray for them.


5 thoughts on “Agony of defeat

  1. Ran Hamilton says:

    Excellent job as always Megan. I know this was probably hard to write. I’ve honestly decided to take a different approach in dealing with people I know who suffer from addiction, however. I’m tired of feeding them, clothing them, and patching them up. Now it seems like I was almost an enabler to the point where they knew I wouldn’t let them fall no matter how high they wanted to climb before attempting to take a leap. – After a certain point I came to a conclusion that people need to hit the bottom and if they are strong enough and want it bad enough, they will stand again on their own.

  2. thehonestone says:

    I personally have struggled with addiction for years. First alcohol then drugs, then a string of bad relationships (which I think was the result of addiction).

    In my case it was a very hard thing to break since it had to do with the source of comfort and the answer of a call I did not understand. I struggled for years because it was easier to reach out and take drink or a pill than really look inside and develop some form of strength that is real. Addiction will rob you of everything you have, but the comfort that one gets from the short term pleasure of whatever one is addicted to never lasts.

    Rehabs only work once you come to the conclusion that you have a problem and then its a fight. No amount of people telling me the bad effects of the alcohol and drugs could sway me. They never understood the real problem. There was a hole in me that needed solving that nothing could solve therefore I spent my time killing it with alcohol and later hard drugs.

    The only light came into my life when Jesus spoke to me, and even then it took many years for change from the inside to occur and I discovered that the real cause for my addiction was that I really believed that no one loved me when I was younger. And of course the nature of that deception proved more true as I went down the road of drugs, women and alcohol.

    So all I can say is that the actual substance that someone is addicted to, is not the real problem, well its different for all addicts, but there is a deeper problem. Be it abandonment, lack of coping mechanisms for trauma, no love in their life, very little self esteem,etc….

    Not easy things to see when a person is being destroyed by the substance of choice. Anyway that is my 5c.

    • Megan DaGata says:

      Thank you for sharing something personal. It is hard for people to recognize what is missing from that hole. Most people in my experience are missing love. Love is the most powerful and humbling emotion. Until we recognize that we must find a way to meet our own needs the possibility of falling into that pattern is so real. Of course after my education I may think differently, but for now this is all I’ve been able to come up with.

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