Today is a mixed bag

“To change your life: Start immediately, do it flamboyantly, no exceptions.”
― William Jones

That is from the magazine Real Simple, their daily thought email. It is so appropriate for this morning…in the light of a new day. Migraines and all.

—–

Boundaries…those little lines we draw around ourselves to stay whole. I wrote about them a little in the post entitled “The Onion.”

You know I have issues with boundaries, and I am trying to form them without going to the extreme. The ironclad impenetrable shield that doesn’t allow anyone in.

It is not often that I come across someone who no matter how great things are going for them they don’t allow their heart to rule their head. Sure, maybe that is the way people should be, but never in my experience on this earth have I met someone who could actually do it.

I live by the idea that you should, “Do what you say and say what you mean.”

Except lately…I can’t seem to make the two meet in the middle.

I say one thing, like word vomit, it spews from my mouth and brain. I say something so completely different from what I feel and in the end I end up feeling hurt. I am usually an open book. Willing to share and be happy. My ability to be honest with how I feel is normally not a problem!

Why couldn’t I?

I don’t know.

My pain. My wall of armor. My satirical mental illness? The trenchant words that aren’t what I am actually feeling. I push. Push to the point where I don’t know if what I said is what pushed them away or if their own iron wall just doesn’t let me in.

It does make one wonder what would have happened at another time and place.

“Be good natured and untidy in your exuberance.”

I have used this quote before. I try to live this way. I am exuberant.

The m-w.com definition of exuberant is:

1: extreme or excessive in degree, size, or extent <exuberant prosperity>
2a : joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic <exuberant praise> <an exuberant personality>
 
It’s part of how I cope with negative information. Trying to see that not only am I human and will have bumps along the path of life, but there is such joy out there as well. Joy that if you let it in will only serve to make your life better. I am wildly unrestrained. It makes those that love me a little crazy at times.
 
I can’t help it.
 
It’s just my “ju de vive” in the face of all that is messed up in the world.
 
I am excessive in the information outflow as well as the contemplation within. I tried to push the pause button on my thoughts once and got sidelined with a migraine for days. Now I share, perhaps at times over share, but I find that it is in sharing that I heal. Write it out, write it down, put the words out there and maybe the right person will read. Maybe they will help someone in a similar position. Maybe it is just to serve my own neurosis.
 
Today is a mixed bag of emotions within me and I can’t seem to concentrate them in a defined manner. My ju de vive…I must get it back.
 
“Laissez les bons temps rouler.”
 
Another saying, one of my favorites from my Cajun brothers and sisters to the East…it means “Let the good times roll!”
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