I am going to try doing the posts from Just.Be.Enough on Monday evenings.
This week is “I knew I had to…”
Today is September 26, 2011
September 26, 2006 I decided to leave my husband for the first time. This was not a decision that I took lightly. The events of the day are forever burned into my conscience. There is no discussing the anger and humiliation of that day. I knew I had to leave.
August 1, 2007, My mother was in Mexico studying for her art history degree. My stepfather is at work. I am in the throws of a compelling force the likes of which most will never understand and I return to my husband. Like magnets to a burning hot iron ember. I know it’s going to hurt, but I am hoping that it can last through the pain. I knew I had to – I knew I had to give it another try.
March 25, 2009, I knew I had to do it again. I knew I had to leave him again. He had burned and broken me again. I know he is in pain, but so am I. I can not leave my responsibilities hanging while I am out in the wind. I have a son and my son needs me. I leave again…I knew I had to…
November 6, 2009, I knew I had to accept him in again. I needed to escape from the pain. I decide to run away. I knew I had to run and hide. I was out in the open trying to be invisible, but only succeeding in being lost. Once again I am unequally yoked to this person that I love, but everything in me is screaming.
September 23, 2010, we fight again…for the millionth time. We decide it is over. We have to wait, but it is over.
February 23, 2011 we are finally able to leave our place in limbo and I am able to give him up. I knew I had to leave him there…sad and whimpering in his pain.
September 23, 2011 one year has passed to the day and I am finally able to file. I am finally able to separate myself in law and life from the person who has spent a decade building me up and tearing me down. I didn’t know I could, but I knew I had to…
Today is September 26, 2011, I knew I had to live and love, but I didn’t know that it would hurt so much. I didn’t know God made something so wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I didn’t believe the books I read that say as much.
I know I have to be strong.
I know I have to live fully.
I know I have to love completely.
I know I have to be me.
I know I am enough. Me. Just me.