Working it out

Here is the thing when you wake up from a 10 year coma and realize the things that you have are not the things that you want or even NEED.

YOU WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG – NOW!

Do you all realize that today, this morning, I had this epiphany?!

My God! I am going about everything wrong. A year ago I thought I had it figured out. Six months ago, I thought I had it figured out. Today? Today I think the only thing I have figured out is that I need to slow down.

I need to take on life, but I need to do it at a much slower pace. The pace at which I am currently making life altering decisions is closer to the Indy 500 than the stable, considered pace it should be.

Fearless living does not mean careless living. I have been careless lately. I have had foot in mouth syndrome, as well as making some fairly rash decisions.

So, today I wrote out a list…my top problems. That may not be problems to others, but to me they are and they need to be solved. If for nothing else than my own peace of mind.

1) When I left New York in February I blogged about returning to my home. My childhood home in central Texas. CNY to CTX! Woo hoo! How awesome should it have been. My best friends were excited that I was FINALLY going to be close enough to see often and I was excited to FINALLY be home. Finally after 10 years of trying to move back to central TX I had found a way. Then I went and listened to a speech about not accepting second rate cast offs and a fabulous week with friends in Houston and shit…I stay in Houston. WTH?! This is not where I want to be, but this is where I am. I have tried to make the best of it, but really I should have listened to my gut and stayed in central TX. (Frickin’ hindsight again). So my problem is – How do I correct this bad decision? I no longer have the employment opportunity that I had then, and don’t know where to start looking? My resume doesn’t look that great at the moment.

2) I don’t make enough money. There – I said it – I am poor. Dirt poor. I can’t make ends meet no matter how I spin it. No matter how little money I spend. No matter what I do I can’t fix what I can’t provide for. So, I’m sorry if I work with you and you are reading this, but I have to look out for numeros uno thru tres. Elijah, Michael and I deserve more than I am able to provide in this struggling existence. Providing for three with no assistance on $12 an hour is not fun. So, problem two is a portion of problem one, but only because the job I gave up to stay in Houston paid more and started in April…unfortunately as part of hindsight…it took until June before I got a paycheck in Houston. Ugh – my lightening fast decision did not pan out quite as I would have liked.

3) My boys…I feel I am not giving them the attention they deserve…and the only selfish thing I am doing right now is school. I am at a quandry. My boys deserve the best of me and as much as I want to fulfill my dreams, their health and happiness come first. I should be working to make their dreams come true. As a single parent I should realize that maybe my dreams will have to stay on the back burner for a while. Problem three – to give up school to have a better job to better provide for my boys and some day, when time or resources provide finish. No I won’t be able to do the job I would like, but I would like to do the mommy job that I have got to the best of my ability.

I don’t particularly care what people think of me, but at the same time I don’t want them to not like me. So, how do I correct past errors without making everyone think I am completely insane? How do I make everyone understand? How do I adjust to be stable?

After living so long on the whims of someone else’s emotions and sobriety learning my emotions and limits is so freaking difficult. I read them wrong. I make the wrong decision and then spend the rest of forever trying to correct it. I think that I might need more than one years wait to figure me out. Cause this last year was OBVIOUSLY not enough.

I am sorry my NY loves, I am not going to be moving back there anytime in the foreseeable future, but I do love you and vacation next year is to see you guys.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Working it out

  1. Adamotomy says:

    I enjoyed your post. My advice – even though you didn’t ask for it – is to truly cease caring about what others think or say. You sound very independent, which is good, and will likely lead you to the answers to your problems.

    Don’t believe the stories your brain wants you to believe. The opinions of others are only that: opinions.

    Including my own.

  2. Angel_DWMW (@Angel_DWMW) says:

    We all have moments when we wake up and think, “CRAP! What was I thinking?!” so know that you aren’t alone. Next, as you said, fix it. One small step at a time. And when you think you know how to fix it, think about it again instead of saying “OK, here I Gooooooooooo.” Wait til you figure out what Your thoughts and emotions are. I’ve discovered if I wait 48 hours before acting on a decision, then if I still feel it’s the right decision it probably is. I just hope you have better luck actually waiting that time period, because that is MY biggest problem!

    But it sure is nice to know that I’m not the only one who leaps before looking, and suffers from foot-in-mouth disease.

    Good Luck!

    • Megan DaGata says:

      One of my best girls explained me to me last week and I have to say she is fairly accurate. “I jump in head first, mind, body, soul, and then – and only then – do I peek my head out to look around.” Sure it was fun before I had real responsibility, but now…umm….doesn’t make me the easiest person to be around. She loves that about me, I love that about me, I am not sure that in 10 years when my kids are 15 and 11 if they will love that about me.

  3. DesiValentine says:

    The only advice I can offer is to choose only one of your items, work on that one for a little while, and then move onto the next one. I’m an all-at-once, all-or-nothing kinda girl, too. Slowing down is HARD! Being feeling overwhelmed, sad, sick and worried all the time is harder. I hope everything starts to sort itself out for you soon.

    • Megan DaGata says:

      Desi – I was also thinking of your post from the other day about you going to the park with your son. I left the school books at home and just took my sons to the park, and man did that feel good. My kids always come first and the decisions that I make need to put them first. So I guess number three is really number one.

Love comments! Please leave one! :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s