Here is the thing when you wake up from a 10 year coma and realize the things that you have are not the things that you want or even NEED.
YOU WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG – NOW!
Do you all realize that today, this morning, I had this epiphany?!
My God! I am going about everything wrong. A year ago I thought I had it figured out. Six months ago, I thought I had it figured out. Today? Today I think the only thing I have figured out is that I need to slow down.
I need to take on life, but I need to do it at a much slower pace. The pace at which I am currently making life altering decisions is closer to the Indy 500 than the stable, considered pace it should be.
Fearless living does not mean careless living. I have been careless lately. I have had foot in mouth syndrome, as well as making some fairly rash decisions.
So, today I wrote out a list…my top problems. That may not be problems to others, but to me they are and they need to be solved. If for nothing else than my own peace of mind.
1) When I left New York in February I blogged about returning to my home. My childhood home in central Texas. CNY to CTX! Woo hoo! How awesome should it have been. My best friends were excited that I was FINALLY going to be close enough to see often and I was excited to FINALLY be home. Finally after 10 years of trying to move back to central TX I had found a way. Then I went and listened to a speech about not accepting second rate cast offs and a fabulous week with friends in Houston and shit…I stay in Houston. WTH?! This is not where I want to be, but this is where I am. I have tried to make the best of it, but really I should have listened to my gut and stayed in central TX. (Frickin’ hindsight again). So my problem is – How do I correct this bad decision? I no longer have the employment opportunity that I had then, and don’t know where to start looking? My resume doesn’t look that great at the moment.
2) I don’t make enough money. There – I said it – I am poor. Dirt poor. I can’t make ends meet no matter how I spin it. No matter how little money I spend. No matter what I do I can’t fix what I can’t provide for. So, I’m sorry if I work with you and you are reading this, but I have to look out for numeros uno thru tres. Elijah, Michael and I deserve more than I am able to provide in this struggling existence. Providing for three with no assistance on $12 an hour is not fun. So, problem two is a portion of problem one, but only because the job I gave up to stay in Houston paid more and started in April…unfortunately as part of hindsight…it took until June before I got a paycheck in Houston. Ugh – my lightening fast decision did not pan out quite as I would have liked.
3) My boys…I feel I am not giving them the attention they deserve…and the only selfish thing I am doing right now is school. I am at a quandry. My boys deserve the best of me and as much as I want to fulfill my dreams, their health and happiness come first. I should be working to make their dreams come true. As a single parent I should realize that maybe my dreams will have to stay on the back burner for a while. Problem three – to give up school to have a better job to better provide for my boys and some day, when time or resources provide finish. No I won’t be able to do the job I would like, but I would like to do the mommy job that I have got to the best of my ability.
I don’t particularly care what people think of me, but at the same time I don’t want them to not like me. So, how do I correct past errors without making everyone think I am completely insane? How do I make everyone understand? How do I adjust to be stable?
After living so long on the whims of someone else’s emotions and sobriety learning my emotions and limits is so freaking difficult. I read them wrong. I make the wrong decision and then spend the rest of forever trying to correct it. I think that I might need more than one years wait to figure me out. Cause this last year was OBVIOUSLY not enough.
I am sorry my NY loves, I am not going to be moving back there anytime in the foreseeable future, but I do love you and vacation next year is to see you guys.