4 AM

This morning started out around 4 am. I woke because I can’t get parts of my brain to shut off at night.

In the dark, in the quiet it heightens the awareness of being alone.

Alone.

That is not a bad word, but a sad word. A word that we don’t like to think about or use. It’s an emotion, one that plays out every night after the kids are in bed, the phone calls to friends end, and it’s just you.

There is a deafening silence that can awaken you at 4 am, because no matter what you do all you can hear are your thoughts. Thoughts about life, about love, about what happened yesterday and what’s to come today. Do I need to pack this shirt or that shirt? Do I want to let him know I will be in town? Think I should invite him out for drinks? Do I just ignore the urge and continue to move on?

Alone is a bad thing to be when you don’t want to be. Alone is sadness and quiet.

There is a difference between craving solitude to write or relax, and the loneliness of being a single parent. You want to talk to someone and share your day. Talk about the incredible things that you heard and saw, and what the kids were doing.

You want to do that, but you can’t. Not really.

God Bless my friends who are always there at the other end of the phone, and always listen to whatever I have to say. Even if it is so incredibly moronic that it shouldn’t be spoken aloud. (If you are reading – seriously girls – you’re awesome!)

This morning as I got out of bed I checked email, checked facebook, and went about the apartment cleaning up. I put away the dishes and wiped down the counters. I made a pot of coffee and cleaned out the fridge. I finished folding the laundry from last night while catching up on the news of the day. 

There is a lot that you can do between 4 and 7 in the morning. Including pondering this that I found on facebook via Roots of She.

http://www.rootsofshe.com/2011/10/the-map-of-your-future.html

Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself.

If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.                                           -John O’Donohue

I will trust in myself as I go into this weekend, and if there are a few happy accidents I will meet them on the road. I will continue to put out good thoughts and hopeful prayers and follow the path of my heart.

Love and blessings for your weekend!

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One thought on “4 AM

  1. notsoanonymousmichelle says:

    I’ve been alone before but not since becoming a parent so I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like. I sat and thought for a minute though about all of the things I do share with my husband, even silly and stupid things. It makes our arguing and annoying things about each other more worthwhile I think. I love this post, your writing always moves me as cliche as it may sound!

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