Some things are just easier said than done. Change being one thing. We don’t love it and it is easier to say the only thing constant is change, but it is so much harder to go through.
Some changes can be undone…some can not.
Anyone who has been through an alcoholic marriage longs for one thing. For the alcoholic to wake up and realize that the relationship, the life, the home they have put together with this person is worth more than all the drinks in the world.
It’s an unending battle. During your battle there is the constant wonder. Why am I not enough? They are enough for me, so why can’t I be enough for them? Why can’t they be just as happy as I am? These thoughts repeat themselves and repeat themselves and repeat themselves until you don’t even have to ask the question anymore, because you already know the answer.
As I am reading and writing and looking back at the wreckage that was my marriage I hope to not repeat past mistakes. I hope that whatever I do in the future and for my future has little to do with the inconsistencies of that form of relationship.
My heart is not strong enough to do that again.
In the Rebecca St. James book that I mentioned the other day, “What is He thinking?” it talks about how you should approach life, love and dating with the eternal consequences in mind.
How is this relationship going to improve your walk with God?
Will it improve? Are you practicing the principles you learn in the Bible?
The problem with an alcoholic marriage is the time old tale of being unequally yoked. I think if I had taken a peek into my spiritual life back then instead of being so angry with “churchy people” that I ignored the lessons I learned in church. I would have been strong enough to walk away at the first sign of abuse.
I can’t say for sure, but I can hope that would be my first reaction.
How many of us do that? We know who we are for so long (as with me and my walk with Christ) then some event happens that shakes the very foundations you stand on and everything crumbles.
One thing that I am forcing myself to recognize is that the outside influences of my life should not change the internal character that exists within.
All to often people are swayed by what is going on around them. We are swayed by the media, pop culture, our family, our friends, and common social events. I know I allowed someone else’s addiction to influence every aspect of my existence for a decade. That is roughly 1/3 of my life.
I can’t quote it now, because I have changed phones, but a friend of mine was explaining that virtue and character aren’t related. This is true, they are not, but at a certain age and level of experience neither of them matter anymore.
The internal character I was speaking about above isn’t the normal character that you read about in “how-to-be-a-good-person” articles. It is an internal state of being. It is the point in your life that you come to where it no longer matters who others think you are. It no longer matters where you fall on the social ladder. It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, liberal or conservative, live in this town or that town.
This is simply about putting yourself in a class of your own.
It is about doing what is right and trying to live right. It really doesn’t matter if you go to church or if you go to a park on Sunday morning to feed the squirrels. What matters is that you try to help your fellow man. You do whatever you can to make the world a better place. You try to put out good into the world whether the world is giving you good or not.
It’s about choosing to be more than your circumstance and sharing the knowledge with others.
I could choose to let a bad marriage, no not bad…an unequally yoked marriage…to hinder my views on life and love for the remainder of my days. I could block all people from sharing in my little world. I could hide behind my Bible and cloister myself away. I could delete this blog and disappear from your lives.
Where is the fun in that? Where is the life? Where is the love?
To put it as simply as possible…there comes a time when there is no good or bad, no virtue, no character, you are simply living, trying to be the best person you can be, hoping to not repeat the mistakes that you have made in the past and trying like hell to make life and love and happiness your priority.