Generally at the end of the year mom’s across the planet send their annual wrap up letter telling you all about their fabulous lives and they are meant to make you feel jealous. If you even THINK about sending one to me. Let me save you a stamp DON’T…I warn you I will send a seething letter in response indicating that you suck.
This is not one of those letters, but at the same time it is.
Dear Friends and Family,
As we end 2011, I wanted to send out a little wrap up of my year…it’s been a journey. It’s been a roller coaster…it’s been a test.
Can you hear? beep – beeeeep – beeeeep – this is a test of the emergency alert system?! REPEAT – This is ONLY A TEST!
Should your life actually fall apart your pants will end up backwards and your children will look at you with disdain.
Alas guys, my boys love me. They look at me with kindness and run to me whenever I walk through the door. There are times when I take too long to cook dinner or spend too much time on the phone, but they love me just the same. They vocalize the fact that dinner needed to be an hour ago, but they eat when it is presented to them.
My pants haven’t ended up backwards…yet…there is still 11 days left until the New Year though, so perhaps there is time.
December 2010 – I lost my job December 16th. That was fun. Thank you husband for proving what an imbecile you were so that I had to stay home and eventually end a fun job. Honestly that was a fun time. (not!)
January 2011 – I was in New York dreaming about life in the warmth of Texas. I was able to spend a lot of time with my friends at Helping Hands, Caring Heart. Also I spent some time getting unemployment, because of the events that occurred in December. I had to attend special classes about “how to get a job” and dedicate hours and hours to finding a job. Oh – State of New York, the problem with this is THAT THERE WERE NO JOBS! I felt much like a monkey chasing a tail. OH – OH – and I also attempted to get financial assistance from the state. NYS made us take a class for that as well, turns out that if you get financial assistance you have to work for the state. I think every state needs to implement a program like that.
February 2011 – Taxes filed by Feb. 6. Wait for direct deposit to bank because I did not want to lose a huge percentage just because I felt greedy. Husband has flu that last for days and decides the only way to conquer flu is to drink vodka…he spends month in a drunken coma…meanwhile…the baby is teething and crying and generally fussy. Older son gets what the doc decides is flu and never gets well. Around the 17th of that month take him to the emergency room for a swollen hand to go with the flu like symptoms turns out he has had MRSA for about 2 weeks and could die. We are in the hospital for 10 days. During that time he has a sedated MRI, then surgery, I start this blog, and husband generally acts like a lecherous scumbag. I seeth thinking about his behavior during this time period. My youngest spends the 10 days with friends and family as I take care of my oldest who is terrified of everything that is happening to him. February 27 are discharged from the hospital having set up all follow up appointments in TX and depart for warmer regions that night.
March 2011 – We arrive in TX. I drop of husband at his grandmothers and depart for my hometown. I had arranged a house and (nearly) a job during the last month and was ready to settle into life in the hill country again. House turns out to be a dump that the landlord did not repair. He has my $1500, but I don’t have heat and there is a hole in the roof above the door. Job gives me the run around for 3.5 weeks as we process paperwork and I take an in depth physical/drug test. Pass with flying colors, but they still need time to work on the paperwork. Future boss takes a vacation during this time. I drive around the state a lot and visit lots of family. Family in Houston convinces me to stay in Houston. Alas…
April 2011 – Not much happened…stayed at home and applied for jobs and lived off $150 a week from unemployment…should not listen to newspapers when they tell you where the jobs are.
May 2011 – Apply for two jobs at a university, hope for one, interview for the other. May 18th start the other job at the university. (Sigh) I know it doesn’t pay enough but I will persevere! I continue to apply to other jobs and hope something comes to fruition. By months end…nada…
June 2011 – Finally get first pay check $300…sign back of check and hand it over to the babysitter. I learn a lot of cool stuff about my job and working for the university system. I like everyone at my new job and can’t wait for the fall semester to start. In private I cry because Miggy turns one in July and I can’t do the things that I wanted to do for his birthday. That’s okay…it’s just his first birthday. No biggy…but to me it was. Oh and this is the month that since I was working I had to move, so whether I could afford it or not…I had until July 1st to be out. Great…that didn’t happen.
July 2011 – Miggy is 1! We have three kids over for cupcakes and I do battle to try and do something for his birthday, but in the end we did nothing…I start slipping into a mild depression. Problems of July – Evil babysitter, Don’t get to celebrate birthday, and I was pissing off uncle because I couldn’t get the money together to move fast enough. Sorry – I’m poor…but we have all covered that. July 17th – finally move. Okay really my stuff moved into my new apartment, but my lights weren’t coming on until the 19th, so I stayed at my sister in law’s house for a few days.
August 2011 – As rent is due the first of each month…I sign yet another check over to someone else. I am broke…I think I blog about being broke. It is this month that I lose the first of my old friends. Tammy was found dead in her home. I still don’t know if it was ruled a homicide, overdose or combination of the two. In lighter news, I am sleeping on my bed in my living room because at this point I have no furniture to go in the apartment that I can’t really afford. Although I have a really old 32 inch box tv in the corner does work there is no coax to bring the cable from the wall. So, I post on FB that I need coax. My buddy John who has taken care of me repeatedly over the years with things like fixing cars, houses, and short segments of coax, he called and gave me the coax! We watch a lot of movies on FX to fill our evenings. Thank you John, you were a blessing. I catch up with an old friend from high school, and I think I blog about that too.
September 2011 – Register for school, get all my ducks in a row to continue with life. This is one of the reasons I accepted a job that was beneath me – right? So that I could finish school? Yes! Sadly, I lost two more friends this month. First, Big John, he is the one who gifted me the coax in August. He ended up dying of heart failure complications due to kidney disease. Then Pop or Ol’ Man Rudy. He went naturally as he was nearly 98 years old. He was the fiestiest person I have ever known and I have only known him for 11 years. I can’t imagine what he would have been like 60 years ago. Inevitably September ended with a bang. Just as a “non-relationship” relationship was ending…actually the same day…a ghost of a soul mate emails out of the blue. Soul mate? Yes, there are few people in the world as compatible as Troy and I. We email for the next few days and then he disappears as quickly as he came back.
October 2011 – This month is a bit of a blur. I was in the midst of a massive depression. Wondered why men treat me badly and couldn’t see past my own struggles…I was such a moron. Honestly. They are guys they are basically programmed to break hearts. October 17th…I get an email from a former co-worker. Troy was dead. As details emerged I found out from his ex that he had actually been hit by a vehicle on October 11th. I blogged about this too. Everything else that was important in October disappears into the fog that was the rest of October. That was like a death-blow to my heart (pun not intended).
November 2011 – Trying to talk myself back to reality. Troy’s memorial was on the 12th, as he was cremated, we waited until his family could come from Wisconsin. I couldn’t attend. It was too heartbreaking so I found a reason to be out of town. I blogged about many different and varied things…I put the school books away because well…after all of the mess that was October I never opened them. Who can read about marriage and family after all of that?! I couldn’t. I went to my mom’s a lot during this month, just about every weekend. During this month my ex husband’s grandmother fell. She refused to go to the hospital to get checked out until she woke up with a distended belly. She knew she was ill. By month’s end she knew she had cancer and she had stopped eating.
December 2011 – The end of a tumultuous year…on the 3rd Nanny passed. On the 6th we buried her along side her husband. I stress over the inability to buy Christmas for my children. I pray and seek God’s comfort in knowing that somehow we will find a miracle. Sunday we received our own Christmas miracle from my church. They gave me a gift so that I would be able to buy my kids something for Christmas. I went ever practical and bought things like pants, underwear, and socks, but that is what they need. Today…or soon…I will have to get a new car. Mine died, or is dying. After the loss of the year, it is the least in my mind, but the greatest when it comes to providing for my children. I applied for and interviewed for a position with the county back home…I hear about it Thursday and I pray for good news. Please say a little prayer for me.
On the whole this year has sucked. The last few months have been bad. Decidedly not the worst in my life, but they are in the top three. I know that God is in these trials. I know that life is just a series of events, but sometimes it can be too much. 2011 will forever leave a sour note on my psyche, but I hold to this that depression is a choice and so is happiness. I choose to not let this get me down. I choose to rise above and conquer the tumult about me. I don’t know how exactly I will make everything work, but I will make it work.
Meg, a little bruised, but healing.