Confession time…

I hope no one feels neglected, I didn’t have anything to say last week that I thought was thought provoking enough to write about and NOTHING was happening in my little world, so…I took a break! We all need breaks from time to time.

I don’t know if I posted about it or not, but last Monday…or maybe it was the Monday before, I had a doctor’s appointment. My phyical…yikes! I had a new doctor and I had not been to a regular doctor since my last physical three years ago. He acts like he is working blind…most doctors pretend to do this…he looked at my chart…looked at the computer asked a couple questions. Took a few notes and asked a few more questions. We chatted for a bit just to make the impending less uncomfortable. But you know eventually it’s going to come up.

“You need to lose a little weight.”

I hear this and want to scream! I look down at my belly, I look up at him. I look down at my legs I loook back at him…I all but say, “Duh, Jack!”

I swallow back my sacrasm and ask, “What are your suggestions?”

“Less carbs. More veggies and lots of chicken.”

“Hmmm….Okay.” I am trying to keep from rolling my eyes. Inside though I am screaming…don’t you think I know this! Don’t you think I have tried?! Of course I haven’t really tried in a very long time. I know what I WANT to do…what I SHOULD do…but I just don’t, err…um..haven’t…not really.

I have always been bigger than most everyone. Never was I fat…just chubby. Then my sophomore year of high school I got down to a size 8. I was in shock…I kept that weight off for a year…until I did the unthinkable. I worked at a FRIED catfish and fries restaurant. Surrounded by yummy catfish filets and friends (without weight problems) who would introduce me to new yummy delights. If you have ever been to the Catfish Barge on Inks Lake in Central Texas you know about Barge Cake, you know about the Buttermilk Chess Pie. OH! The stuff of dreams! Ever so delishly sweet and the pie just melts in your mouth. The cake was so full of fudgey chocolatey awesomeness. I started gaining…and telling myself that I wasn’t.

That was 1997.

By the end of my senior year I was no longer in a size 8, I wore something closer to a 14. It was horrible. It wasn’t because I didn’t work out. I was on the dance team…it was the damned cake. (A little sigh in rememberance for a piece of cake I will never get to have the same way again…the restaurant closed in the early 2000’s.)

For you boys out there that means in a matter of two years I gained…about 50 lbs. WTF!? Yikes! Even typing that now makes it sound insane! For the record yes I had some rather traumatic life stuff happen in February of 1997…so there were some depression factors into why I turned to cake. Oh and lets not forget the pie and the damned yummy catfish.

Found on Google Images...But this would be me and the barge cake...can you feel the love?! Nom Nom Nom

I hovered at that size for a while…I would like to say I wised up and lost the weight, but I didn’t. I just hovered there like a cat ready to pounce on a can of tuna. Only my tuna, was cake!

In 2005, I had lost a little, about 25 lbs. Apparently it was enough to kick the hormones in that induce pregnancy and in the weeks before Katrina I found out I was expecting. (As with many people you may know in the Gulf coast there is “Pre-Katrina” and “Post-Katrina” it’s a general haze of a time.)

I didn’t have one of those pregnancies that consist of rainbows and sunshine…me? No…I had horrible illness from day one…it lasted 6 months…all day, all night, every second of 6 months. Around week 22, I started having worse problems. I developed pregnancy induced hypertension that in the 10 weeks that followed added about 100 lbs of water weight to my body. Mind you I had lost about 15 since the beginning of my pregnancy from the “morning sickness” HA! But it was water, and it stayed…and as I swelled I learned what it felt like to be an extremely heavy person on a little frame. Ouch.

Ended up having the little guy about 8 weeks early from all these complications and the fact that either I would die or he would be a little early. We chose to go early! 😀

I can smile about it now, but only because he never had any lasting affects from the prematurity. If he had had lasting affects I would probably blame myself forever. I shouldn’t, but I think I would try.

Ok – back on topic…AFTER my son was born I lost about 60 lbs in a week. Water was literally pouring out my body…not a story to share on that one. Just another random complication that most people don’t have.

I was stuck 30 lbs heavier than when I started…before the weight loss…before the pregnancy.

That was disheartening…BUT I walked a lot and did what I could. Unlike mom’s who are able to deliver naturally…a c-section is different and I wasn’t allowed to do some of the things that I would have liked to do. The complication I am not sharing with you all is one of those things that kept me from being able to do them. After that I tried…but got tired a lot faster. Not winded, just tired. For some reason my body seemed to reject itself after all the trauma. Pregnancy for my body was like an A-Bomb.

Eh…life goes on. Just a little chubbier.

I didn’t put forth a great amount of effort until 2009. I started at a gym with my sisters and we were all encouraging each other to be the best selves we could be. I lost a little weight, firmed up and damn it…weight loss must be the secret…because in December of ’09 I found out I was pregnant again.

My doctor and I took a proactive approach to the complications this time and we stayed ahead of the game. I stayed about the same weight.

So, last year…can we all agree it was a traumatic year? I think I gained another 20 lbs. Turning to food instead of excersize. Alas…I also started this blog, so just imagine if I had comforted myself entirely with what could be consumed…whoa. That idea is too scary to think about.

Depression can be masked from gaining weight to erratic behavior to putting on your happy face. Some time’s it is okay to be depressed. Allowing it to consume you and your ability to completely feel the emotions are important in your growth as a person. Feeling pain creates compassion and tolerance to people in varying situations.

Sort of like poverty. I have friends that look down on those who have less than they do, but they have never felt the sting of not being able to afford all of life’s creature comforts. It’s not really there fault they were born into a way of life and have been able to apply themselves in intellectual pursuits to become educated enough to maintain that level of success in their adult lives. Use your tools is something I am very big on. But I know how poverty feels, I know how homelessness feels (another topic entirely) and I know  how it feels to be the fat girl.

AHHHHHHHHH! NO! (I actually said that in type!)

Back to now, last week’s doctor’s appointment. I am anemic, so I started taking iron. I have been challenged with low B6 before, and we didn’t test B vitamins, but I started taking B6 and B12 again. A friend of mine and I were discussing the hip pain and there could be a correlation. We will see as time passes.

I am also borderline diabetic. DAMN YOU BARGE CAKE! I can’t blame it on something I ate 10 years ago, but I could blame it on 3 pm chocolate cravings. Every day for the last five stressful years. But then that’s blaming it on something instead of accepting responsibilities for my own actions and I am also very big on that.

So…I admit to being this…A cake-loving-coffee-swilling-pasta-munching-carb fanatic. Yes…I love my carbs. After last weeks news I am being pretty good about breaking the habit. Not to mention this horrible video a friend of mine posted saying she was guilty of some of the things it said, but then I watched it and caught myself laughing because damn…she was right. Then I watched this show on Style about a family who was losing weight. (I don’t watch these shows much because I know the struggle.)

Today there was a new infographic on co.exist. Click the link for an very good read on metabolising carbs.

All of this said to say this. I won’t be using the blog as a weight loss chart or anything, but I might let you know how I am doing. I will update the header if there are dramatic changes. I might share recipes for the pre-diabetic set and tips and information as I go. Anything I learn from my friend Tricia (She is receiving her MD as a diabetic specialist in May.) I will post here as well.

So far she said that I can have anything in moderation…but should look at my plate like this:

1/2 Veggies, 1/4 Lean Meat. 1/4 Starches

I am hoping to find a workout partner who will use my gym. I have been paying to go to the gym anytime, but just haven’t gone because of responsibilities.
But I do realize I have a responsibility to myself as well and must make time.
Here’s to hoping that a public proclamation will help with the resolve. Even just a little…I want a cookie…

No more Nom Nom' least not until the sugar cravings go the F--- away! (Please pardon my language as I work throught the Sugar crazings...I mean cravings.)


6 thoughts on “Confession time…

  1. Tina Hilger Horner says:

    This may or may not be helpful to you….there is a cookbook called Saving Dinner by Leanne Ely. It is divided into seasons so that you only cook with the freshest, in season veggies and fruit. Every recipe has diabetic exchanges and every recipe I’ve tried is delicious. It also has a shopping list for each weeks menu. She doesn’t cook with odd ingredients, only ones you can find in y our local supermarket. I don’t consider it diet food, I consider it healthy food. I was able to lose 45 lbs using these menus along with exercise. I’m taking the time to tell you this because I am currently in the same boat as you. Those 45 lbs I lost have come back with some friends 😦
    I just went for my physical and was informed that I now have mild hypertension. Those 45 lbs I lost have come back and brought some friends. I knew I was gaining weight but was enjoying my “cake” too much to care, but now that I have a health problem, it is imperative that I start caring more about my health than my cake. The way I’m going to do that is with my trusty Saving Dinner cookbook and some free weights. Good luck to you Megan…and to me too!!

  2. Andra Watkins says:

    Megan, I’m right there with you in spirit. I looked at my husband over the weekend and told him I’m fatter than I’ve ever been in my life, and I’m as fat as I’m going to be. I cannot buy a whole new wardrobe because I’m getting ready to burst out of my current one. It is SO FRUSTRATING, because figuring out what cocktail of food is appropriate is specific to the person. I’ve tried following several figures and charts and all that stuff, and it simply doesn’t work for me.

    I wish you much success, and I’ll be excited to hear how you’re progressing.

  3. mj monaghan says:

    Weight is such a tough psychological issue for most people. MLB struggles with this daily and laments the fact that as she gets older it is so difficult for women, in spite of cutting back to half the amount that I eat. Metabolism slows and works against you as well as you get older. The only thing I can say is, don’t beat yourself up and feel guilty. That seems to only start the cycle all over again. I wish you all the best on this tough journey, Megan.

Love comments! Please leave one! :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s