I almost feel like I should apologize for my absence. I have been away too long. I will try to get better about this work/life balance thing. It’s just not as easily as it reads.
I have been thinking about where I was at this time last year and how much has changed in the last 12 months. Also about how much life is going to continue to improve in the next 12.
I can confirm the power of prayer.
I know you all remember the posts, the sadness, the written prayers for guidance and relief.
Turns out – God is listening.
Last year I had lost one of my best friends, was barely scraping by financially and barely holding it together mentally…scratch that. I wasn’t holding it together at all.
I was frustrated and lost and broke beyond words.
All I could think about was what could have been. I couldn’t see my light and I was having problems recognizing the parts of life that made me happy. I always asked myself how could so much happen to me in a year that my life and my self were completely unrecognizable?!
I think for me the answer lies in strength. I had to find strength to be alone. Strength to know that I could climb the mountain…metaphorically speaking.
I had to be willing to forgive the hurts totally and completely.
Who am I?
Another big question 12 months ago…I think this will always be a question for me because I learn and evolve daily. I am not set in my ways. I don’t believe that my way is the only way – even if sometimes I say it is.
Perhaps knowing this about me also answers the question.
A year ago I did not know that I could change so completely with little internal effort. I prayed.
I sat up at night crying into my hands praying for God to show me the way. I laid my burdens down and begged him to fix me.
I remember saying, “I quit! I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what to do. I have no money. No new job possibilities. No food. No furniture. It’s all in your hands now. You guide me. You lead me. I am depleted.”
I think we all know this feeling, the hollow emptiness that creeps into our souls. It saps our strength and makes us question our every intention. Total vulnerability and despair.
I don’t know if I had ever done that before, placed my every thought, possession and fiber of my being in to God’s hands. I really can’t remember a time when I allowed myself to be so out of control with myself. Spiritually speaking, of course.
The changes came slowly.
First it was my attitude toward the situation. I could either continue to wallow in the pit of despair or I could pick myself up and start all over again.
So, I picked myself up. I did the daily routine. I forced myself to take the kids to the park, make play dates, bake cookies, clean house. All of those things that normal people take for granted.
And I prayed for strength.
I read books on codependency. How could I change this about myself if I didn’t know the behaviors that had been used to describe my life of 10 years?
I educated myself.
Next (about three months later) I realized I couldn’t do the daily grind at the university anymore and I quit. Granted I had a different life in mind when I quit…but what does that matter now. Point was I was unhappy; I was useless in the role I was in because I wasn’t busy. I can do a lot of things all the time or I can do nothing all the time, but remembering to do one thing once a month about drove me mad and I never remembered to do it. So, let’s face it…because I didn’t like being bored, I did a terrible job.
I prayed. God showed me my escape and I left.
March 2012 was the busiest month ever on this little blog. I went to Starbuck’s and wrote, almost every week day. I started a book or two and got to know how I felt about being me.
I found self-confidence…it had been missing for a while.
I prayed, God started to light my path.
A week into my employment sojourn I started to reapply to every temporary agency that I had ever heard of. I worked it. I went to interviews and submitted resumes; met lots of rising stars in corporate Houston. None of them wanted me.
So I stopped trying so hard.
I went into Accountemps one day in a last ditch effort to find anything. I redid all the testing I had done the year before. I took a new typing test. I filled out paperwork for hours. I looked up phone numbers I hadn’t called in years.
I sat quietly in a room until a man I had never met walked in and got to judge me.
Evan got to play God for me that day. Apparently my resume was good enough to send to a few places, so I sat a while. I left with two interviews with companies the very next day.
I prayed. “God…I’m almost out of money again. Show me the way.”
I wrote about it I am sure.
I was a new person by every measure of the word. New attitude toward people and life. New outlook and fresh perspective. I was happy to be young. I was happy to be a mother. I was ready to embark on the world and make something of me. At least in my little corner of the world.
I prayed some more and went to the first interview.
Two nice guys with a logistics firm not too far from my tiny apartment.
I left with a job if I wanted one.
“God show me. God lead me.”
I arrived for the next interview a little early, but not too early. It was in a run down old bank in a small town near my small town. A ten minute drive every day and I could be at work. It was perfect.
What was I looking for?
A job in purchasing or logistics that could use my experience but not one that was too big and would have lost the human element. A place I could grow into. A place that would keep me busy. A place that felt like home.
The second interview wasn’t much of an interview, more of an in depth job description and run down of duties. I explained my past experiences and left feeling pretty good about it.
I called Evan when I got to my car and told him that if they wanted me, I wanted this job.
Not even five miles down the road and I had a job that started the next week. I was ecstatic!
I have been busier than I ever imagined since beginning in April. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you know just how busy I mean. I am working 50 hours a week and have enough work for 80 hours a week!
But I have a life. I have a family that needs me and I want to want to be at work while I am at work.
I am breathing easier.
A few months ago the boys and I changed apartments within our complex so that we could all have a little more space.
Another prayer answered.
We’ve been able to employ one of our dearest friends so that she has a job that allows her the flexibility to live the life she wants and the love for my kids that I have. A person I trust explicitly.
Another prayer answered.
I have new prayers these days, but mostly prayers of Thanksgiving.
I know I have been absent lately, but I feel so blessed and happy that I can not begin to express how thankful I am.
Thank you God and my family for all that you have brought me through in the past year or so. With you my life has been a miracle.
Happy Thanksgiving you guys!