Agony of defeat

There is nothing more painful than sitting on the sidelines and watching some of the people you are closest to spiral to the depths of a drug induced coma. I have been forced to watch this more times than I care to count.

It’s not that you don’t want to save them.

It’s not that you don’t want to keep them from their fix.

It’s not that you don’t feel such an immense amount of pain at their situation.

It is that you can’t do anything for the unwilling.

The thing about an addiction is that you have to leave the addict to their own devices. They won’t change, they won’t sober up, they won’t see their path until it is too late. I wish there was a fun-house-type-mirror that shows someone after their first hit what their life could be like in 5 years time if they keep using.

Loss of life, kids, cars, homes, family, and so much more that is lost from within. You lose your faith, force of will, pride, and self-respect.

There are no words for the pain those of us on the parifery feel as we are watching you.

Addiction is the worst kind of disease. It consumes you. It eats at you. It makes all reason and logic disappear. Addiction is the epitomy of deceit.

You feel like you are on top of the world, only to crash to the depths of hell without so much as a stop on an even plane.

Then, for people like me, who tell you over and over and over and over that there is so much more to life, to just be told to shut the f*** up. Let me be. I can handle myself.

We want to grab you and rattle you to your core, and shout to the ends of the earth that you are worth so much more than this!

It starts small this thing we call addiction. A little pot, a few pills, a little bottle from the local package store, but eventually that is not enough. Nothing is ever enough for the true addict. Nothing is more fixating or penetrating than the need.

The constant need to have more, do more, achieve that same high you felt the first time. Only nothing is ever the same the second time. You won’t ever feel that way again. You will try and try and not achieve that because that’s how it works.

You remember the feeling, but at the same time you don’t. Because you don’t remember the exact circumstances, life, or emotions that lead to that high, you just remember the feeling.

I stand in the agony of defeat at the moment because yet again I have received news of one of my favorite people having everything taken from them.

It’s tragic this thing that smart, ingenius people let take their lives away.

I can’t help but hope that this, their first trip to rehab, will be their last. I know that statistically that is not reality, but I can hope.

Hope, pray, and be there.

Be there for the people in your life who you may not agree with their choices but they aren’t the ones making the choice! Drugs, alcohol, sex, addiction in general…once you allow it to rule your life it rules all parts of your life.

If you are in my situation, you know know one or several people that struggle with addiction, I ask you to be there for them as much as is comfortable to you. Don’t go to the extreme and develop a codependant bond, but if they are hungry feed them. If they are naked cloth them. If they are hurt patch them up.

We can only do so much.

We can only be so much.

Pray. Pray for them. The most powerful thing you can do is to pray for them.

Lightbulb

My sister-in-law had a moment of clarity today that I am loving. 

“Just because someone needs you doesn’t mean they love you.”

How true is this?! My goodness! How often do we fall for the wrong people? How often do we look at what they can do for us instead of at the quality of their character?

I seem to think that if you say “I love you” in the first days and weeks of a romance you’re really saying “I need you.” Sure it could blossom into something more, but you are really just reacting to the things that they have done for you.

Need and love can feel the same when you are infatuated with someone. I don’t want to think that I am with someone out of need. There is something crippling about that. It just seems to me that you wouldn’t have anywhere to grow if you were in a relationship based on needing what the other has got whether that is monetary, emotional, or psychological.

I have been in a codependant¬†relationship for my entire adult existence. I know what it is like to be the person needed. I know what if feels like to feel inadequate. I know what it’s like to want to try to be what this person needs but falling short; and being blamed for their shortcomings. This is not a relationship that I recommend. This is not a relationship that I want to continue, ever, no matter the phone calls of anger, desperation, or uninhibited sorrow.

I have grown.

I think that if you are not allowed to grow you will die. There are many styles of growth personal, interpersonal, professional, and mental. As we age and have experiences we evolve. We follow different paths and make choices and learn from all of it. How are you going to remain the same if you go through all this?

The expectation to remain the same at 30, as you were at 20, is unrealistic.

This reminds me of one of my other favorite quotes from Lillian Gershwin. “People change all the time and forget to tell each other.”

That is something that in a codependant/alcoholic/addictive relationship you don’t understand. You must communicate with your partner, and if your partner is in a stupor for 90% of your time together there is no communicating. One day 10 years later they wake up and expect you to be the same person. It’s just not reality.

I was writing my story down the other night just so that I can have a reminder of the hell I have gone through, and it is so ridiculous that I even stayed for as long as I did. (No this isn’t meant to slam him.) This is just a statement of fact. So many times I should have cut my losses and left and yet, I couldn’t.

I didn’t see that all that was going on was him NEEDING me. He needed me to pay the bills and make sure life was in order so that he could live in his unconsciousness. I was pathetic thinking that was all I deserved out of life.

This leads me to my lightbulb. This leads me to thinking my sister-in-law’s moment of clarity was just amazing today, because I have been thinking about that relationship a lot lately.

I don’t want to be needed. I want to be loved. I deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and gratitude. For that person, who ever they may be, I would give the world. I would take care of them better than they could comprehend.

Don’t we all deserve that though? Don’t we all deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, gratitude, and love?

I hope that my little lightbulb helps you examine your own relationships and see if there is some way that you could improve them. Either improve them or understand that there is nothing you can do that will improve them. If you are where I was a year ago realize there is so much more out here.

There is life. There is love. There is hope. There is happiness.

Love and hugs to you this Wednesday!