Today is a mixed bag

“To change your life: Start immediately, do it flamboyantly, no exceptions.”
― William Jones

That is from the magazine Real Simple, their daily thought email. It is so appropriate for this morning…in the light of a new day. Migraines and all.

—–

Boundaries…those little lines we draw around ourselves to stay whole. I wrote about them a little in the post entitled “The Onion.”

You know I have issues with boundaries, and I am trying to form them without going to the extreme. The ironclad impenetrable shield that doesn’t allow anyone in.

It is not often that I come across someone who no matter how great things are going for them they don’t allow their heart to rule their head. Sure, maybe that is the way people should be, but never in my experience on this earth have I met someone who could actually do it.

I live by the idea that you should, “Do what you say and say what you mean.”

Except lately…I can’t seem to make the two meet in the middle.

I say one thing, like word vomit, it spews from my mouth and brain. I say something so completely different from what I feel and in the end I end up feeling hurt. I am usually an open book. Willing to share and be happy. My ability to be honest with how I feel is normally not a problem!

Why couldn’t I?

I don’t know.

My pain. My wall of armor. My satirical mental illness? The trenchant words that aren’t what I am actually feeling. I push. Push to the point where I don’t know if what I said is what pushed them away or if their own iron wall just doesn’t let me in.

It does make one wonder what would have happened at another time and place.

“Be good natured and untidy in your exuberance.”

I have used this quote before. I try to live this way. I am exuberant.

The m-w.com definition of exuberant is:

1: extreme or excessive in degree, size, or extent <exuberant prosperity>
2a : joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic <exuberant praise> <an exuberant personality>
 
It’s part of how I cope with negative information. Trying to see that not only am I human and will have bumps along the path of life, but there is such joy out there as well. Joy that if you let it in will only serve to make your life better. I am wildly unrestrained. It makes those that love me a little crazy at times.
 
I can’t help it.
 
It’s just my “ju de vive” in the face of all that is messed up in the world.
 
I am excessive in the information outflow as well as the contemplation within. I tried to push the pause button on my thoughts once and got sidelined with a migraine for days. Now I share, perhaps at times over share, but I find that it is in sharing that I heal. Write it out, write it down, put the words out there and maybe the right person will read. Maybe they will help someone in a similar position. Maybe it is just to serve my own neurosis.
 
Today is a mixed bag of emotions within me and I can’t seem to concentrate them in a defined manner. My ju de vive…I must get it back.
 
“Laissez les bons temps rouler.”
 
Another saying, one of my favorites from my Cajun brothers and sisters to the East…it means “Let the good times roll!”
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The Onion

I am in school. I don’t know if I have told any of the readers that or not, but Monday was the first day of classes. I am going back to school to complete my degree to become a marriage and family therapist.

That should be a fun degree for anyone that I date. Lol…anyway.

Why marriage and family therapy? (I have had people ask this question.)

Here’s the thing, I want to help people like me figure things out. Like Dana said in my post last week, unravel the ball of yarn that is our thoughts and emotions. So, while the technical degree plan is marriage and family therapy, I am going to concentrate on the CoDA set. Yep – Codependance.

If you read my post on agony you know that I have had some experience with addiction. Well, it’s as the wife of an alcoholic. Open a psych textbook and look up codependant and I was the definition. Or should I say am…I don’t know…I am learning. Perhaps like alcoholism you don’t get over it, you just learn new ways to cope and you learn HOW to form boundaries.

As hard as it is for an addict or alcoholic to admit when they have a problem; it is just as hard for the partner in that relationship to admit that they’re a more than a little messed up too. It’s a tourturous dance of abuse and neglect.

Like peeling an onion. Addicts pull back your layers until there is nothing left. Starting with that protective boundary that keeps anything bad from penetrating. Then the thin inner layers, those would be self-respect, self-reliance, and self-confidence. Then instead of continuing to peel they just grab a knife and start hacking away at the rest of you. You know what you are supposed to be, but you’re unrecognizable.

You’re no longer whole.

It’s a pretty pathetic sight to see and even harder to recognize – if you’re the onion.

I have read countless books on becoming whole again. I have read the Courage to Change book from Al-Anon every day. It sits on my coffee table so that when I feel weak I can open it up and soak it in for a while.

Slowly you start to put yourself back together. Grasping shards of who and what you once were and hope that it’s enough to form a whole person.

Clinging to this knowledge, you try to put that outer shell back on, knowing that it is the only thing that will save you. Save you from being hurt. Save you from being tortured. Save you from feeling worthless.

Only you DON’T KNOW HOW. You try repeatedly and you can’t.

Just when I think I have got this figured out. This life post-husband, I realize that I am still trying to put the pieces together. I am not even to the point of finding that outer boundary. That solid form that keeps me whole.

I allow the self-doubt and unexpected confusion to cloud new friendships and relationships by constantly questioning “Why?”

The thing about what I have been through, and anyone else who has been through this knows, is that you never feel good enough about yourself to allow yourself to think you are worth being part of something good, something worth trying. Even if it ends in utter misery you don’t allow yourself the freedom to try.

So, this weekend as I am reading through my weeks assignments and trying to find the pieces of myself. Please, for the love of all that is holy, remember (as I will try) that we may be learning to cope and learning to try, but we will come out the other side. We will some day be whole. Someday we will allow the people that make us feel special to know that we aren’t complete psychopaths for not knowing how to love.

Not yet.