Brief Observations

I guess I don’t ask enough questions of other people.

I don’t want to know too much about their situations, well because I remember what is was like to want no one to know what was going on with me and my life.

When someone seems – off – I just accept it as their eccentricity and work around their temperament. I make sure they have essentials, but don’t pry because I just don’t want the conflict in my life. I don’t care what you do with you as long as you don’t bring me into your mess.

After a decade of being neck-deep in a mess I put my big girl panties on and jumped ran out of this mess. Although at times I still feel like resolving it consumes all my energies.

I got burned – bad – but I’m recovering, so I’m cool.

Only I’m not.

Just when I think things are normal they revert to “Megan normal.” My problem is that I don’t know how to say no. Not the reason’s in the song “Can’t say no”

I simply have a soft spot for people in the mire.

I think everyone deserves a chance no matter where they come from. I think I have automatic faith in others, but once that is broken I kick myself.

“Why couldn’t I have seen this coming?”

“Why couldn’t I see the signs?”

This isn’t just with my ex-husband. This is with anyone.

To me this is how we should be. We should have faith in the rest of our species to do what they are supposed to do.

Only they don’t. Then we get mad. We shut ourselves down, and we build iron barriers between us and the rest of the world.

As a person who is codependant I have to work extraordinarily hard to maintain boundaries. I regularly forget they exist and I know that I need to consciously reconstruct them all the time. It’s like this constant thing I have to logically think through. I can do this. I can’t say that. I can see this needs to be done. I shouldn’t do this or that.

For most of the human population this is normal behavior, but for me it’s not.

It’s attachment issues. Totally acceptable if the attachment is to solid, stable individuals, but normally it’s to twisted, addicted, drama driven idiots. This includes friends.

I am a born listener and fixer. Try as I might I can’t fix everyone. When I was 17 years old I was driving in a car with my great uncle’s new wife and she just started pouring her heart out to me. I just stared straight ahead and listened. I didn’t know my uncle really well, in fact I hardly knew him at all. I had just met the woman going all stream of conscious on me that day.

When she was done it’s like she woke up. She apologized for telling me all the gory details, but she felt I could help her.

I couldn’t.

Honestly – I had never even been on a real date at age 17. I didn’t know the first thing to say. So I whispered a prayer and gave her a hug. I don’t know where she is now. Her marriage only lasted a short while after that, so maybe that was her answer to her problems.

That was the first time someone had ever done that, but it’s been repeated thousands of times, besides the friends that I grew up with – which in itself had gotten me into trouble. I was a bit of a gossip, until this one time a parent confronted me and I don’t think I have really gossiped again.

It’s one thing to hear a story – it’s entirely different to repeat it. I am still reminded of this when I hear something juicy and want to share, but then I remember how that felt so I don’t.

Can you tell I am trying to figure this whole codependant thing out still? I’m told it’s like alcohol or drug addiction. There is not a defined recovery pattern. There is only the day-to-day.

Each choice I make to spiral or to soar. Each relationship, real or imagined, a step to recovery.

I long for a relationship, a lasting, healthy relationship, but almost two years I still wonder if I will ever be able to let someone in. Well, maybe not let someone in, but let them in and not become everything.

This is a delicate balance that is foreign to me.

My delicate balance – Solid ground vs. a Free Fall


Agony of defeat

There is nothing more painful than sitting on the sidelines and watching some of the people you are closest to spiral to the depths of a drug induced coma. I have been forced to watch this more times than I care to count.

It’s not that you don’t want to save them.

It’s not that you don’t want to keep them from their fix.

It’s not that you don’t feel such an immense amount of pain at their situation.

It is that you can’t do anything for the unwilling.

The thing about an addiction is that you have to leave the addict to their own devices. They won’t change, they won’t sober up, they won’t see their path until it is too late. I wish there was a fun-house-type-mirror that shows someone after their first hit what their life could be like in 5 years time if they keep using.

Loss of life, kids, cars, homes, family, and so much more that is lost from within. You lose your faith, force of will, pride, and self-respect.

There are no words for the pain those of us on the parifery feel as we are watching you.

Addiction is the worst kind of disease. It consumes you. It eats at you. It makes all reason and logic disappear. Addiction is the epitomy of deceit.

You feel like you are on top of the world, only to crash to the depths of hell without so much as a stop on an even plane.

Then, for people like me, who tell you over and over and over and over that there is so much more to life, to just be told to shut the f*** up. Let me be. I can handle myself.

We want to grab you and rattle you to your core, and shout to the ends of the earth that you are worth so much more than this!

It starts small this thing we call addiction. A little pot, a few pills, a little bottle from the local package store, but eventually that is not enough. Nothing is ever enough for the true addict. Nothing is more fixating or penetrating than the need.

The constant need to have more, do more, achieve that same high you felt the first time. Only nothing is ever the same the second time. You won’t ever feel that way again. You will try and try and not achieve that because that’s how it works.

You remember the feeling, but at the same time you don’t. Because you don’t remember the exact circumstances, life, or emotions that lead to that high, you just remember the feeling.

I stand in the agony of defeat at the moment because yet again I have received news of one of my favorite people having everything taken from them.

It’s tragic this thing that smart, ingenius people let take their lives away.

I can’t help but hope that this, their first trip to rehab, will be their last. I know that statistically that is not reality, but I can hope.

Hope, pray, and be there.

Be there for the people in your life who you may not agree with their choices but they aren’t the ones making the choice! Drugs, alcohol, sex, addiction in general…once you allow it to rule your life it rules all parts of your life.

If you are in my situation, you know know one or several people that struggle with addiction, I ask you to be there for them as much as is comfortable to you. Don’t go to the extreme and develop a codependant bond, but if they are hungry feed them. If they are naked cloth them. If they are hurt patch them up.

We can only do so much.

We can only be so much.

Pray. Pray for them. The most powerful thing you can do is to pray for them.