“No one will ever see how amazing you are until you do…”


“No one will ever see how amazing you are until you do…”

How true this is. A friend of mine came over Friday and as we were combing through our recent years rehashing all of our stories she told me something I never think about. She said that I am too hard on myself and that it is completely unattractive.

She then told me that I need to realize that I am a beautiful, amazing person.

Apparently my lack of self confidence, even though I act like a confident person, shines through. Or maybe it’s more of a giant blinking orange badge, hanging like Flava-Flave’s giant clock necklace around my neck. 

I guess my months as a Mary Kay sales girl lend themselves to my psyche right now. “Fake it til you make it!”

Even though I lack self-confidence in huge, giant, monster size portions, I can walk with my head held high, my shoulders back, look the world in the eyes, and embrace all things.

When did that not become enough?

I know. It was about a year ago when my identity took a hit. I was no longer someone’s wife. I was no longer someone’s life partner. Even though it was mutual and a relationship that needed to end. Our identities still need time to resolve the new information in our brains.

Who am I?

What do I stand for?

Now that I’m not bitching about my husband and the things he does, what do I talk about!? (I still bitch plenty, don’t let me fool you.)

If you are like me you jump right into school. You move to a new house or apartment. Maybe even start dating right away-before your paperwork is even filed. You change all the outside influences on your life. To no avail…nothing works to make you, you again!

As I sit here looking around my little apartment there are few material possessions that I have kept through all of this. I have a few of my family photos, some paintings of Paris that aren’t even hanging on the wall, and some books. That is all I kept of the last ten plus years.

No wonder I am a little wobbly on the confidence factor. I do not think that my stuff makes me who I am, but my stuff is reminders of where I have been. It’s easier to remember who you are if you remember where you’ve been. As someone gifted in the act of locking bad memories, I really don’t remember everything that happened. It’s just something I have always done…I don’t know why…but I honestly consider it a gift from God.

Now I am confronted with having to find my voice. Having to build myself, my self-confidence, my ego.

It is only through great friends that I have been able to actually hold up the mirror and say to myself, “Maybe they are right.”

I am not perfect, far from it, but I am me. I am an analytical artist. Creative, smart, religious (a recent discovery-believe me  I am just as shocked as you), perceptive in everyone’s life, but lacking in common sense for my own.

I can give great advice, but don’t trust myself enough to follow my own advice. It seems to work for everyone else, I think I’ll start trying.

I am more than a mom, I am a woman.

I hold an opinion on everything from the cost of gasoline to the Republican National Committees nomination for President to what diapers are best. Want to know where to get the most absorbent, cheap diapers?! Just ask, I’ve tried them all. 

I bake and I am pretty good at decorating a fancy cake.

I have learned to cook and I enjoy it! I never had to cook before.

How do you know what you’re missing if you’re never given the opportunity to enjoy doing it?

I have decided that I have an appreciation for my ex’s choice in music, but still can’t stand it. I love Adele, especially her song “Someone like you” it’s amazing. Her voice is entrancing. I can finally listen to the Foo Fighters, Shinedown, and Red Hot Chili Peppers without having to fight for the stereo.

I know how to clean! Agh! How could I not know that? I didn’t often have to clean. I have learned that over the years I have become a pretty tidy person! Who knew!?

I keep weird hours. Last night I was writing on my book until midnight and this morning I was up at 4am. But I don’t have to answer the question, “What are you doing?!”

I no longer have to fight all the time, but that has created a new problem. I will try to pick a fight with anyone. I might not say it in so many words, but I want you to fight me back. Respond. Argue. Give me a reason to feel some adrenaline.

I am not easy to get along with, and I don’t get out of my own way. 

That one too is a shock to me because I always thought it was my husband and his addictions that caused all our problems. How sheepish I feel knowing I was wrong! An overactive, over-harsh, over-analytical mind is just as bad. Perhaps in certain situations worse than being dependent on a chemical substance. That is something physical. That is something you can grab and smash. That is something you can put words to and understand.

I have always held the belief that I am not scared of anything.  “Nothing to fear but fear it self” and all that jazz. Another discovery, I am scared of all kinds of things, but that might be a different post.

I follow John Cusack on twitter, one of the few celebs that I follow, but his whole “apocalyptic, shit disturber” personality appeals to me. Yesterday he posted the following quote, and if you are where I am read this, then reread this, let it tell you our next step.

“Delight is a secret. And the secret is this: to grow quiet and listen; to stop thinking, stop moving, almost to stop breathing; to create an inner stillness in which, like mice in a deserted house, capacities and awarenesses too wayward and too fugitive for everyday use may delicately emerge. Oh, welcome them home! For these are the long-lost children of the human mind. Give them close and loving attention, for they are weakened by centuries of neglect. In return they will open your eyes to a new world within the known world, they will take your hand, as children do, and bring you to where life is always nascent, day is always dawning. Suddenly and miraculously, as you walk home in the dark, you are aware of the insubstantial shimmering essence that lies within appearances; the air is filled with expectancy, alive with meaning; the stranger, gliding by in the lamp-lit street, carries silently past you in the night the whole mystery of his life…Delight springs from this awareness of the translucent quality in all things, whereby beauty as well as ugliness, joy as well as pain, men as well as women, life as well as death — the grinding clash of opposites between whose iron teeth all systems of philosophy are crushed at last to pulp — are seen as symbols; in the true meaning of a symbol, whose Janus-like face contains at once that which exists in time and space, and that which transcends it.”–Alan McGlashan, “The Savage and Beautiful Country”, 1967

Let us find what delights us. Build our lives on our dreams and hold on for the future. I am sure it’s going to be an amazing ride.


The Dream

I had this dream once of being swept off my feet. I knew it was a dream cause things like that don’t just happen. I live in the real world and interaction with fantasy just isn’t possible.

My reality consists of working a lot and raising my two sons. I struggle and I fight for everything that we have, but I can do it. This is what I have done for the last five years. It’s what I know how to do. It’s my reality.

I don’t find it very hard to admit, but I am a dreamer. If you know me you already know this. I can think for hours about things that may never happen. Things that I wish and hope for and maybe even consider realizing alone.

Why alone?

Perhaps I am jaded, but I think you have to form your dreams for yourself and if other people want to participate, than maybe…just maybe you can let them. You however are the ruler of your own life. What do you want to do with it?=

One of my childhood, or should I say teenage, wishes came true.

Is something further going to happen? I don’t know.

Am I too jaded to see things through? Perhaps. Because I am a little messed up. OBVIOUSLY so. I talked myself out of the possibility of more before less even happened.

Would you guys be reading this if it wasn’t for my messed up perspective, slight amounts of wisdom, and public cries for self-realization?

Here is a goal, I think. My goal is to live as I have said…for one year.

Live fearlessly. Live completely. Allow my faith, hope, and self to be fully their own.

Why is this a goal?

Because I NEVER allowed myself to let this happen. Allowing myself to fulfill my own dreams. If you want to participate then maybe you should realize that you’re not number one this year or even number two.

Hell, even living fearlessly I am not going to be number one.

Who wants to join me in realizing their potential? Who wants to know their dreams? Who wants to become fearless?

Sending out massive amounts of love.