Feel like a phony?

02Last week I had dinner with a friend and he felt the need to point out that I belong. I constantly second guess myself and any abilities that I do or don’t have which may be why I start a lot of things and don’t finish them all or I do some things really well, but the little bits that would make the completed project perfect are crap.

Maybe I do this to prove to myself that I am a phony.

Some times

Really I just feel like a phony a lot and never quite feel worthy of the things that I have worked for and the accomplishments that I have earned. I’m a mish mash of ideas and thoughts and theories that make an interesting person who doesn’t want to talk about them so when they come out on paper they make me sound mad.

I can talk shop with anyone…to a point. I don’t share my best ideas and I often hold back from the conversation all together. If I talk to you with any depth it’s because I’ve decided your trustworthy. But I still don’t share. Not vocally.

I share here, but even there I haven’t shared much in the last year and a half. I have plenty going on I just don’t want to sound showy or “Hey, hey, look at me now!” So many of the bloggers that I connected with at the inception of this blogging journey are still struggling with their finances and lifestyles. I’m not. Sure I have problems, but they are nothing when compared to the stories that I read and the struggles that I have faced and I feel like a phony finding a complaint. Clearly this isn’t a humor blog. I don’t do obvious humor.

I feel it is now my mission to not dawdle in the past strife, but to build up others as much as possible. How can I share a piece of the good word, a good idea, a good thought that may make a day brighter. Likewise I share stories of others that need to be shared because it’s news that you won’t see unless you’re looking. That takes a lot less space, so it’s all on Twitter or Facebook (Friend me I will accept).

Often I feel like a phony, an imposter, a person who does not deserve all this goodness. I feel the past follows me like a cloak waiting to wrap itself around me in a swift wind. Not that it warms me, but it makes me cold. The emotions of the craziness that didn’t feel crazy until I stepped away and looked back. I feel like someone somewhere is just waiting to throw the cloak on me even though I’ve grown up, I’ve changed, and there is so little of that person remaining. That sad girl who wanted so much to feel the warmth of love and being needed that she clung to the first person who passed her way. I still haven’t figured that out. Why did the thing that damages have to be the thing that stuck for so long?

That may be a question I can never answer.

I feel like a phony to have bigger dreams. To want to be and do more in this world. All the dreams I write about on this blog…I want to see them realized, but that cloak of doubt keeps the fear inside me. I don’t deserve my dreams to become reality because I didn’t do this or that, or I don’t look a certain way.

Why is that? How many of you feel this way? How many of you hold yourselves back because you don’t feel worthy?

Damn it – FEEL WORTHY!

I say this to myself as much as I say it to you.

We belong. We have earned it. We fight for it daily.

The things we have accomplished are worth talking about. Every day little wins are worth sharing. Letting people know that this day is an awesome day because you woke up and set out to conquer the day is worth being said!

Don’t be afraid. You are not a phony.

Surround yourself with positive reinforcement and bring light to the world.

When you see that light in someone else – that kinship – reach out to them!

It’s only by building ourselves and others up that we finally begin to feel worthy.

For a bit of inspiration tonight watch:

What makes You itch?

What makes you itch? ~Alan Watts

I love that.

I hear that and so many ideas come to mind. Writing the great American Novel, Globe School, having a Bed and Breakfast, being a stay at home mom, or being a successful independent business woman. But what really makes me itch? More pointedly, as Alan asks at the end of the video

“What do I desire?”

All kinds of things.

Galveston Beach - Sunset September 29

Galveston, Sunny Beach, Sunset – September 29, 2013

I challenge you to ask yourself every morning while you are brushing your teeth,

“What do I desire today?”

Where will you be if you work to create the feelings inside of you that fulfill that desire?

Do you desire happiness? This is a choice made each day. Make it and own your happiness.

Do you desire freedom? We are not as free as we once were, but we are as free as we want to be to drive down the road with the top down, to run around the beach, to go out into the world and experience it. We are free to be ourselves. Claim your freedom.

Do you desire love? This is trickier, but I think you must love yourself broken and bruised before anyone else can love you. Until the day you meet someone who is the shining reflection of your inner light keep yourself a work in progress.

Don’t let yourself be defined by the people who may have broken you before.

You are worthy of love. Believe it.

But these aren’t really what this video is about. This video is about way more than that.

Alan Watts is speaking about the quality of your life.

“What would you do if money were no object?”

Imagine for a moment that you are the most wealthy woman (or man) to ever inherit money on the planet and never had to work another day in your life.

How would you fill the hours?

Would you paint?

Would you write?

Would you buy a farm and tend the land?

Would you fight for the causes that cause you the most heartache?

Would you simply live life and raise a family?

Would you spend your life in selfish pursuits? I’m not judging, it’s a valid choice.

Dock for Post 10-10

Galveston Bay, Sometime in April, from the balcony of Noah’s Ark Cafe

I think I would not hesitate on globe school a moment longer. My sons and I would head out as soon as the money was in the bank! But even traveling and educating them would leave me with a hole, a void that would need to be filled.

I do not exist in a vacuum. I see through the façade too easily to be able to live so solitarily for too long.

After our journey I would buy a B&B somewhere and settle into writing books and cleaning toilets and making delicious gourmet treats. I would find a way to give back to the community.

But life isn’t this way. We have to work. We have to live. We have to make money for the things that pay for the fact that we live in the world we do.

On second thought and as Alan Watts states in the video,

“If money IS the only thing, then you will spend your entire life completely wasting your time.”

I have moments where I know I am completely wasting my time. I do too much that I have to do and not enough of what I want to do. I ignore the desires. I hide in my happiness because that is a choice I make each day, but it’s not always how I feel.

That’s not right!

We all enter the world with a purpose that is ours to discover and we are blessed with the abilities to do it, whatever “it” is.

Money is a means by which we have to live, but it should not define us.

What if we stopped focusing so much on monetary value and started to focus on our worth?

What if we focused on our passion?

What would you do?

Would you write? Would you paint? Would you have more children? Would you give of yourself to charity?

It is baffling, but there are actually people who love to sit at a desk all day maintaining ledgers and making the world run.

What if we each did what we were meant to do instead of what we have to do?

So much of our daily activity is soul crushing and menial.

Statistically as our society and culture became center more on money, than on pursuits of passion, the need for mental health treatment has risen – dramatically.

That should tell you something.

We have problems because we were not made to have money as our only focus. We were not made to be slaves to a clock or to sit in cubes and offices all day doing nothing but mindless tasks.

We were made to create!

We were made to be free!

We were made to love and live on this miraculous planet.

So, what makes you itch?

Courage to be…me

In 2009, I had this idea for a blog so that people could learn from my life experience before they stepped out their front door and got burned. I never wrote it. It may still be out there, somewhere, in cyberspace, ready and waiting for me to write it, but that will never happen.

Instead I moved to New York.

I packed up my car, my kid, and my husband and left in search of something.

Do you know that feeling when nothing that you are doing is who you are and you need to change your life dramatically to keep from being put into an asylum?

You don’t? You’re lucky.

changes%20next%20exit

I used to have that feeling often. Instead of complaining one more time I left.

In search of me – thinking I would find her somewhere other than where I was located.

I had a lot of fun meandering up the Atlantic coast. I didn’t originally set out for New York, but that was where we ended up. We settled into life in Central New York in my brother’s third floor walkup.

Luckily, things worked out. We had a fun time (until we didn’t).

Though, I still didn’t find me.

Where was I? Surely I was supposed to go far from home, and I would find me hidden in the bushes. I would rise to greatness (or at least happiness).

I would sprout invisible wings and fly!

It didn’t happen, nothing happened…except a deep seated unhappiness from being the cause of disappointment…again.

By the end of September 2010, my husband and I had given up on each other. We were incompatible for a number of reasons and I have shared the tale within this blog. I won’t repeat the sadness, but I will say that I felt the tie sever. After 10 years in an alcoholic/codependent relationship it was about damned time!

It was at the end of February 2011 that I sat down and typed my first blog post. I was sitting in my son’s hospital room with my shiny new laptop and just started writing.

I had been reading blogs for many for years. I had been inspired by them to change my life so drastically and ultimately it was the blogs that brought me back home. The posts that spoke of home and family with such reverence that I couldn’t help but long for the familiar, even as familiar as our life had become in isolated dysfunction.

I wanted to see my family.

I wanted to be home again.

I wrote almost daily for the first few weeks of this blog. It was more of a diary than well written or thought provoking, eloquent posts on American life. I found a family of fellow bloggers that understood my struggles and would offer sage advice.

I lamented single motherhood with a 5 year old and a 6 month old, and people wrote to me that they understood! I found solace in a community of “stranger friends” when I wrote about the relationships in my life.

And then it happened.

I found me.

Somewhere between the words I found out that I was right here all along. I didn’t need to go about the world looking for me. I need to go inside and write it out.

I needed time alone with me.

Blogging is like this for some.

You spend all your time in your head getting the words to screen and you discover that everything you needed was inside you. It was there and if you had just been still enough, if you had just been quiet enough, you would have figured it out.

It was like a whisper in the breeze at first. Then the muse becomes more apparent and then you find your voice.

I found fulfillment in my words, writing through the pain and the struggles.

I discovered compassion for myself and others.

Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human. ~Henri Nouwen

Through blogging I found clarity.

Appearance blinds, whereas words reveal.~Oscar Wilde

Over the course of the last two years I found the courage to just be me.

I think if I hadn’t started blogging it would have taken a lot longer to get here. By making who I am more public and accessible I have to hold myself accountable. I have left myself vulnerable to people who stumble across my blog. I’ve become unapologetic about the content, the dissension, the thought provoking meanderings, and the whimsical smatterings of my dreams.

I am so thankful to all of you who come back to read every post.

Late last week I stumbled upon a hashtag on Twitter for #TXBloggers, then I found hashtag #BlogElevated there are so many meanings to that – to blog elevated.

My mind goes on overdrive when I ponder the words. Blog Elevated, I don’t know what meaning they want us to infer but I find myself wanting to be more profound. More eloquent. I want to dive deeper into compassion. I want to leap into globe school. I want to wage war against ignorance.

I want to find more of my heart’s desire.

Blog Elevated is a conference. Our very own conference right here in HOUSTON! I couldn’t believe it. I am hoping to go. I hope that I can learn about taking Small Wonders & Other Thoughts to the next level. I hope that you all will go along for the ride. It promises to be fun and educational.

If you happen to be in the Houston area in the middle of September and want to go with me the link to register for Blog Elevated is here.

blog-elevated-flyer

(I hope you all can make it!)

The Inevitable Inspirational Research

Monday I shared this blog about starting Globe School. I have spent some down time during the day re-researching this insanity.

I just wanted those who read to know that I think it is slightly insane to leave everything you know and everything you’ve been taught to believe behind. As adventurous as it is – as much as I want this – there (in the world) is still that voice inside and out there that says this is impossible.

For the sake of my life I hope it is not.

Do I think this will be easy? No. I think it will be very hard, but perhaps it won’t be as hard as I imagine. I will no longer be able to tell my children that if they don’t behave we will go straight home!

Home will be where ever we are.

I have learned however that I am not the only person who would rather spend their lives traveling than as a random citizen. I am not the only one that has ever sought to teach their children on the road and outside of a classroom. I am not the only one that has ever wanted to circle the globe by car, foot, train, bike, boat, and with very few plane rides.

Come to think of it I should only need two, unless I can find a friend with a big boat. Now that would be an adventure!

I found this blog – Almost Fearless – and the author wrote this e-book about how to get started. I read it. I am still working through some of the questions it raised, but this is a work in progress.

First things first – set a date. I set one before I ever read the book. June 1, 2014…or January 1, 2014…really depends on how the universe (or God or whatever you want to call it)works. I prefer God. He is in charge of this.

Second – what is holding you back?

In a word…PLENTY!

Not the idea, but self doubt. Self-doubt has held many adventurers back for millenniums. We want to go out an conquer the world…but what we really mean is that we want to conquer our little corner of it never seeing what’s on the other side!

A film posted on the Irish Polyglot’s Blog about his 29 life lessons learned from being a constant traveler caught my eye.

 

This is reality for so many of us. We do everything “right” only to find that at the end all we have ever done is the journey around our own little corner of the world.

You never had your “big break” because maybe your “big break” was meant to happen in Spain or Mauritania or Australia.

I have for the most part burst my own bubble on writing my way through the planet because many people think this way. Plus – I am lazy…who wants to do that kind of research! I am not going to make a list of bus routes and car parks and can you climb a hill to see the sea.

However – there are alternatives.

I found WWOOF. It stands for “Willing Workers On Organic Farms” this fits quite nicely within the parameters of Globe School. Teaching the boys about plants and cultivation without the use of pesticides and chemicals. It gives you a prearranged schedule to work in trade for a bed and your meals. It is an interesting idea that I may try out locally before the end of the year. I am sure SOMEONE in Texas does this.

I have also started a Couchsurfing account. Not that I have plans of surfing couches, but I know there are families and single mothers out there who are travelers. I offer them use of my couch in exchange for their information.

How do they make it work?

Since I have had my account for a total of 30 hours, I haven’t learned that much from the site. I have explained some things to do in and around Houston. I am a great tour guide for Texas, especially Houston on the cheap, but we must progress beyond our door.

Remember what Bilbo used to say: ‘It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.’ – J.R.R. Tolkien

I am sort of hoping to get swept off to some place truly spectacular, doing something truly spectacular. However, I know that I don’t want my expectations to meet disappointment, so I will just say that I hope my adventure is good. Good can be dull or it can be interesting, but either way it is good.

Sunset in Wyoming - Definitely on my list to see.

Sunset in Wyoming – Definitely on my list to see.

If you would like to learn more about the places we will go follow my board on Pinterest – Globe School.

Do you have any helpful websites that I can browse? If so, link in the comments!

Why start Globe School?

Tuesday morning (July 22, 2013) I was sitting at lunch surrounded by professional Houstonians eating a baked potato; when my boss started telling the vendor who had taken us to lunch about a book.

“Who moved my Cheese?” 

I think this book is written in an effort to get you to work harder, smarter, and become a better employee. My boss and all of our managers read it as part of leadership training to make them better leaders. Upper management is trying to make everyone realize that they need to continue to work hard to stay at the top. They need to adapt and become a force in their department.

Be the most knowledgeable! Be the most adaptable! Be the go to guy!

“Anticipate change!” “Enjoy change!” “Monitor change!”

After lunch, my interest in the story impelled my boss to forward me the link to the YouTube video that the leadership training team had shown to them.

For everyone that understands the point and propaganda I applaud you. This video had the opposite effect on me. For me all I saw was the invisible maze, the rat race. I am not a rat, nor do I want to be in a race striving for an end that someone other than me predetermines my needs.

“When you change what you believe you change what you do…”

This got me thinking about what I believe.

1)      I believe the world is a more compassionate place than we give her credit for, and that given the opportunity she would show me.

2)      That there is more to life than going to work to pay the bill and leaving my sons with a babysitter.

3)      My children need me in their life every day. Yes I like time away from everyone, just me and my thoughts, but in the entire world I would rather be with these two little guys than anyone.

4)      What happened to traveling the world? What happened to the adventurer who would see it all before she was old?

5)      I am creative. I am a writer. I am a gypsy-soul trapped in the race. I am in desperate need to see the world before I get any older.

The question that came down like a hammer striking me on the head was, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

What would I do?

What could I do?

What should I do?

At first I thought, I would quit my job and open a bakery. Make cookies and cakes, and get fat and sell my wares. Become a member of the community and live out my days in quiet contented illusion. Calm the gypsy within by taking annual trips. Just living the “American Dream,” but that is such a dream. I don’t want a house. I don’t want to be tied to things that become an anchor. I like my freedom too much. I won’t see nearly enough of the world – if I see any!

That was like writing my obituary long before I am ever dead!

“Here lies Megan. She was good.”

In reality, my dream has always been the same. Become a permanent traveler, by car and by foot. Sell everything and live go out in search of the world.

I remember reading about a family who became travelers. One day they just decided that the material existence of their lives had become their only existence. It didn’t matter that they had a baby who was too young to walk. It didn’t matter that they had a mortgage and car payments.

They just decided to be different.

I want to do that.

I have said “I” a lot in this, but really it is a “we” experience. I have two sons. I am determined to show them the world and give them an education unlike any other. I think they should visit battlegrounds and castles and natural landscapes to learn about history, geography, culture, languages, and so, so much more. I think they should experience with all five senses and develop a sense of being a citizen of not just America, but of the world.

I have thought about the effects of this lifestyle and I can’t find any that would be detrimental. I know our families would visit us where ever we are or we could fly home for breaks in our adventure. Technology makes it possible for me to keep in touch easily and cheaply. A global network of friends and relatives will make it easier to sleep in a warm bed.

One thought keeps ringing through my head.

Where would I make money?

I would like to share our adventures. I would like to be paid to write articles, short stories, and books detailing our trek around the globe. I am a decent photographer, I have two of the most handsome models ever, and I know that people would want to read the tale.

So we move on to phase two of the planning of Globe School. Finding kindred souls to assist in embarking on this great adventure.

What a difference a year makes!

I almost feel like I should apologize for my absence. I have been away too long. I will try to get better about this work/life balance thing. It’s just not as easily as it reads.

I have been thinking about where I was at this time last year and how much has changed in the last 12 months. Also about how much life is going to continue to improve in the next 12.

I can confirm the power of prayer.

I know you all remember the posts, the sadness, the written prayers for guidance and relief.

Turns out – God is listening.

Last year I had lost one of my best friends, was barely scraping by financially and barely holding it together mentally…scratch that. I wasn’t holding it together at all.

I was frustrated and lost and broke beyond words.

All I could think about was what could have been. I couldn’t see my light and I was having problems recognizing the parts of life that made me happy. I always asked myself how could so much happen to me in a year that my life and my self were completely unrecognizable?!

I think for me the answer lies in strength. I had to find strength to be alone. Strength to know that I could climb the mountain…metaphorically speaking.

I had to be willing to forgive the hurts totally and completely.

Who am I?

Another big question 12 months ago…I think this will always be a question for me because I learn and evolve daily. I am not set in my ways. I don’t believe that my way is the only way – even if sometimes I say it is.

Perhaps knowing this about me also answers the question.

A year ago I did not know that I could change so completely with little internal effort. I prayed.

I sat up at night crying into my hands praying for God to show me the way. I laid my burdens down and begged him to fix me.

I remember saying, “I quit! I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what to do. I have no money. No new job possibilities. No food. No furniture. It’s all in your hands now. You guide me. You lead me. I am depleted.”

I think we all know this feeling, the hollow emptiness that creeps into our souls. It saps our strength and makes us question our every intention. Total vulnerability and despair.

I don’t know if I had ever done that before, placed my every thought, possession and fiber of my being in to God’s hands. I really can’t remember a time when I allowed myself to be so out of control with myself. Spiritually speaking, of course.

The changes came slowly.

First it was my attitude toward the situation. I could either continue to wallow in the pit of despair or I could pick myself up and start all over again.

So, I picked myself up. I did the daily routine. I forced myself to take the kids to the park, make play dates, bake cookies, clean house. All of those things that normal people take for granted.

And I prayed for strength.

I read books on codependency. How could I change this about myself if I didn’t know the behaviors that had been used to describe my life of 10 years?

I educated myself.

Next (about three months later) I realized I couldn’t do the daily grind at the university anymore and I quit. Granted I had a different life in mind when I quit…but what does that matter now. Point was I was unhappy; I was useless in the role I was in because I wasn’t busy. I can do a lot of things all the time or I can do nothing all the time, but remembering to do one thing once a month about drove me mad and I never remembered to do it. So, let’s face it…because I didn’t like being bored, I did a terrible job.

I prayed. God showed me my escape and I left.

I wrote.

March 2012 was the busiest month ever on this little blog. I went to Starbuck’s and wrote, almost every week day. I started a book or two and got to know how I felt about being me.

I found self-confidence…it had been missing for a while.

I prayed, God started to light my path.

A week into my employment sojourn I started to reapply to every temporary agency that I had ever heard of. I worked it. I went to interviews and submitted resumes; met lots of rising stars in corporate Houston. None of them wanted me.

So I stopped trying so hard.

I went into Accountemps one day in a last ditch effort to find anything. I redid all the testing I had done the year before. I took a new typing test. I filled out paperwork for hours. I looked up phone numbers I hadn’t called in years.

I sat quietly in a room until a man I had never met walked in and got to judge me.

I prayed.

God listened.

Evan got to play God for me that day. Apparently my resume was good enough to send to a few places, so I sat a while. I left with two interviews with companies the very next day.

I prayed. “God…I’m almost out of money again. Show me the way.”

I wrote about it I am sure.

I was a new person by every measure of the word. New attitude toward people and life. New outlook and fresh perspective. I was happy to be young. I was happy to be a mother. I was ready to embark on the world and make something of me. At least in my little corner of the world.

I prayed some more and went to the first interview.

Two nice guys with a logistics firm not too far from my tiny apartment.

I left with a job if I wanted one.

“God show me. God lead me.”

I arrived for the next interview a little early, but not too early. It was in a run down old bank in a small town near my small town. A ten minute drive every day and I could be at work. It was perfect.

What was I looking for?

A job in purchasing or logistics that could use my experience but not one that was too big and would have lost the human element. A place I could grow into. A place that would keep me busy. A place that felt like home.

The second interview wasn’t much of an interview, more of an in depth job description and run down of duties. I explained my past experiences and left feeling pretty good about it.

I called Evan when I got to my car and told him that if they wanted me, I wanted this job.

Not even five miles down the road and I had a job that started the next week. I was ecstatic!

Prayers answered!

I have been busier than I ever imagined since beginning in April. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you know just how busy I mean. I am working 50 hours a week and have enough work for 80 hours a week!

But I have a life. I have a family that needs me and I want to want to be at work while I am at work.

I am breathing easier.

A few months ago the boys and I changed apartments within our complex so that we could all have a little more space.

Another prayer answered.

We’ve been able to employ one of our dearest friends so that she has a job that allows her the flexibility to live the life she wants and the love for my kids that I have. A person I trust explicitly.

Another prayer answered.

I have new prayers these days, but mostly prayers of Thanksgiving.

I know I have been absent lately, but I feel so blessed and happy that I can not begin to express how thankful I am.

Thank you God and my family for all that you have brought me through in the past year or so. With you my life has been a miracle.

Happy Thanksgiving you guys!

Appreciation, Validation, and Tolerance

All relationships come down to appreciation, validation, and tolerance.

Variables of this have different words, but really this is all we do for each other in each of our relationships. We individually value the other persons effect on our existence that we validate their feelings, show them appreciation, and tolerate their differences.

This encompasses the scope of human interaction.

Like-minded people create change because they validate each others opinions and to show their appreciation for these opinions they work together. Often having to tolerate various life choice differences in the process.

A marriage is supposed to be a union of like-minded individuals for life. A joint venture as one existence. A conscious choice to live together for an indeterminant number of years (God willing) and do what is best for each other, your children, and your future. Sure there are some viceral aspects as well, but really you have to appreciate, validate and tolerate each other even after the chemical animal attraction ceases.

That’s what it is supposed to be anyway.

Life long.

Why do marriages have such short life spans?

I feel it is because we don’t verbally acknowledge our appreciation for the little things. We don’t say thank you. We don’t do big things that say, “I love you.”

People take their spouses for granted.

Friendships are often taken for granted as well. We simply assume that the other person will always be there, will always remain the same, when really it isn’t this way. Just as I change those around me change.

This appreciation also draws souls to each other.

Our souls see their familiars in other’s actions.

They meet and validate the thoughts one with another and develope a tolerance for excentricities. Like magnets drawn together because it’s possible to have honesty, openess, validation, and complete appreciation for one another.

Personally I am on a collision course with a path to tolerance. Deciding my tolerance level. Reevaluating what I can handle. What I should be willing to handle. My course will take me on the journey required for creating proper boundaries. I am always overstepping boundaries, oversharing, and there are some places where that amount of openess are not tolerable. Then again I also put up walls, I cut people off if I haven’t known them long and they challenge my trust. I don’t give second chances often if I don’t feel like the person is adding to my life.

Where are you? How are you showing your loved ones you appreciate them? Are you meeting their needs? Are you taking them for granted? Do you know your tolerance level and your boundaries? Do you know you?

Why?

Because before you can appreciate, validate, and tolerate another you must do that for yourself.

Waves of Change

The theme of water has been reoccurring for the last 48 hours or so and I just can’t shake it. It is appearing everywhere in all facets of my informational existence.

Surf the wave.

Ride the wave.

“A drop of water does not know it is part of a raging river.”

Reoccurring – on and on in incredible succession – Why?

 

The world is changing. Simple as that.

Everything is changing – somethings for the better, but most – in my opinion – are not.

TED staffers are updating their blog with all the speeches from TED Global 2012. I have to admit to wanting to do little else today, but flip through each email as it comes in – only I can’t. The real job that I begged the cosmos for is calling me to my tasks and thankfully I do it.

Thing is though that I want to watch and share it with you all.

One of their first posts this morning was from Jason Silva. His discussion is on Radical Openess. How the formation of your thoughts and ideas assists in the evolution of the species.

I couldn’t help but be transfixed by this thought. How each of us and the depth (or lack) of our thoughts determines our next step on a global scale.

I don’t have anyone really to discuss this with that won’t look at me like I am crazy, so I will hope for a form of dialogue here.

I have often thought that life in a turn of the 19th century agrarian community would be easier. You would wake up, do your chores, live your little life in the space you know and this would continue day in and day out forever.

Seems dull but you would know what to expect – and you would know how to do this.

About 100 years ago thinkers and doers started to depend on their imaginations more than the limitations of their existence and the world started to change. We as a species didn’t physically evolve, but metaphysically we have changed dramatically. The species began to grow more dependant on brains than on bodies.

The species began living longer.

In turn, we started thinking for tomorrow instead of thinking for today.

The species over the last 100 years has witnessed giant leaps of knowledge and consciousness.

I remember learning about the Renaissance in school and the magic that seems to exude from the time. People made radical leaps in knowledge and consciousness.

To which I believe we are in the midst of our own renaissance. Our own bit of magic.

If we allow ourselves to grow.

I say if because many people are still living life as a drone to the propaganda presented to them instead of thinking for themselves.

If we think for ourselves we form ideas and opinions and we eventually must find other people to discuss these opinions and ideas.

Everything is the result of an idea.

A thought.

An opinion.

The holocaust was a bad idea.

The space race was a good idea.

Securing your home is a good idea.

Creating security so tight within a nation that it makes it impossible to believe this is still a democratic nation is a bad idea.

Someone somewhere thought of each thing in existence today.

Electricity was a magician’s trick. I like having the ability to see at night without squinting in candlelight.

Personal computers were a fanciful idea until someone with the knowledge and passion to make one came along.

I think the theme I am supposed to be recognizing is this…I am one voice in a million trying to consciously evolve into a new way of thinking.

I am but one droplet in a river of change.

One voice in a million hoping and thinking and evolving for the future of us all.

What are you? Who are you? Are you becoming more evolved? Are you listening to everything around you?

Do you allow yourself quiet moments in your day to think about everything?

If you don’t even consider your effect on the world around you perhaps now is a good time to think about it. What could you do that may not seem like a big thing, but could your first drop into the river of change?

 

Take Ownership

There is a problem rampant in the world.

Refusal to take ownership.

I run across it daily in my professional life. People refuse to take ownership of their actions.

“I didn’t do that.”

“I can’t do that.”

 “It is the company.”

“It isn’t me, it’s the business.”

I always want to shout through the phone or through the office.

I run across this in my private life. People who refuse to accept the responsibility for their actions. Always blaming it on the next person never on themselves.

I am a take responsibility kind of person.

I take ownership of the projects, work, and information provided to me by my company. I consider that the most important function of my job. Knowing what or how or who needs what.

I have been this way in my personal life also. I don’t have the attitude that my circumstances aren’t based as a result of every decision I have made to date.

Life is a result of every choice made each and every day.

Take ownership of your reality.

Your professional life is the result of the choices you make day in and day out.

Take ownership of this!

The other night I watched “The Iron Lady,” the movie about Margaret Thatcher, and I started thinking to myself about the lack of leaders who take ownership. Do we have a strong leader out there like her? I am too young to know if she took ownership of her failures in life before she was out of the public eye, but the film made it appear as though she did.

Do we have some person who has made choice after choice to do what is best, even if it’s not what’s easy?

Do we have leaders who take ownership of not only their triumphs but of their failures?

As a politician Mrs. Thatcher made the choices to serve her country before herself or her family. It made her relationships difficult, but look at the mark she left on the world.

Right now what do we know of the men running for the highest office in our land?

We know that one…they do not take ownership of their failures.

Like most politicians they gladly own their successes but how often have they said, “This was my choice. I did this. I’m sorry for the result, but it seemed like the best option at the time.”

Never.

At least not to my knowledge.

Maybe they do in the quiet confines of their offices, but they pay people to spin the story.

A good PR person can be worth their weight in gold if the problem is of their own doing.

Pay the media and they will do or say whatever you want them to. Befriend them and shower them with gifts. It may not be the ethical approach but it gets you the results you need.

Why is it so hard for people to say – “I messed up”?

I messed up and there is nothing that can be done about it except try to accept and learn from the failure.

I know why too. I know the answer to this question.

Because people are afraid of failure. They would rather lay blame elsewhere than accept failure for their poor decisions.

But like I said I am a person who takes ownership, to my detriment I assure you on many occasions.

Professionally I have only been fired from one job. Why?

I accepted responsibility for a mistake made by several because I should have seen it. I should have recognized it. It didn’t matter that it was in my training period with the company and the export forwarder from China sent me the wrong information. It also didn’t matter that my trainer and our supervisor were both actively involved in the shipments. What mattered is that I had three typos on a shipment release and it cost the company money.

But you want know something? I’m okay with this. I learned a lesson about trust and leadership. (Not to mention double and triple checking my work.)

What did I learn about leadership?

I learned that people make mistakes and you shouldn’t judge their future based on one mistake. A true leader looks at the potential.

I learned that you should take ownership of your choices – no matter the result. A true leader knows that they will make good and bad choices and accepts it.

I learned that in a corporate environment you can’t trust your coworkers when they feel you are competition. They would just as soon throw you under the bus than admit their own faults.

We all have faults. We are human. We are not expected to be perfect nor can we be perfect. If you set that as your expectation you will fail every time.

Rather set your expectations on ownership. Can you effect change or results in any given situation based simply on the choices you make?

If the answer is yes, then do it.

If the answer is no, then find someone who can and let it be theirs.

We can’t all end hunger or feed nations, but we can accept that we can do our part.

I think it is time for our leaders to accept ownership of the condition of the nation, the successes and the failures.

I think it’s time for citizens to accept their circumstances.

Regardless of what is happening you can change them.

I changed mine.

If I can change mine – you can change yours.

All it takes is making the choice.

Brief Observations

I guess I don’t ask enough questions of other people.

I don’t want to know too much about their situations, well because I remember what is was like to want no one to know what was going on with me and my life.

When someone seems – off – I just accept it as their eccentricity and work around their temperament. I make sure they have essentials, but don’t pry because I just don’t want the conflict in my life. I don’t care what you do with you as long as you don’t bring me into your mess.

After a decade of being neck-deep in a mess I put my big girl panties on and jumped ran out of this mess. Although at times I still feel like resolving it consumes all my energies.

I got burned – bad – but I’m recovering, so I’m cool.

Only I’m not.

Just when I think things are normal they revert to “Megan normal.” My problem is that I don’t know how to say no. Not the reason’s in the song “Can’t say no”

I simply have a soft spot for people in the mire.

I think everyone deserves a chance no matter where they come from. I think I have automatic faith in others, but once that is broken I kick myself.

“Why couldn’t I have seen this coming?”

“Why couldn’t I see the signs?”

This isn’t just with my ex-husband. This is with anyone.

To me this is how we should be. We should have faith in the rest of our species to do what they are supposed to do.

Only they don’t. Then we get mad. We shut ourselves down, and we build iron barriers between us and the rest of the world.

As a person who is codependant I have to work extraordinarily hard to maintain boundaries. I regularly forget they exist and I know that I need to consciously reconstruct them all the time. It’s like this constant thing I have to logically think through. I can do this. I can’t say that. I can see this needs to be done. I shouldn’t do this or that.

For most of the human population this is normal behavior, but for me it’s not.

It’s attachment issues. Totally acceptable if the attachment is to solid, stable individuals, but normally it’s to twisted, addicted, drama driven idiots. This includes friends.

I am a born listener and fixer. Try as I might I can’t fix everyone. When I was 17 years old I was driving in a car with my great uncle’s new wife and she just started pouring her heart out to me. I just stared straight ahead and listened. I didn’t know my uncle really well, in fact I hardly knew him at all. I had just met the woman going all stream of conscious on me that day.

When she was done it’s like she woke up. She apologized for telling me all the gory details, but she felt I could help her.

I couldn’t.

Honestly – I had never even been on a real date at age 17. I didn’t know the first thing to say. So I whispered a prayer and gave her a hug. I don’t know where she is now. Her marriage only lasted a short while after that, so maybe that was her answer to her problems.

That was the first time someone had ever done that, but it’s been repeated thousands of times, besides the friends that I grew up with – which in itself had gotten me into trouble. I was a bit of a gossip, until this one time a parent confronted me and I don’t think I have really gossiped again.

It’s one thing to hear a story – it’s entirely different to repeat it. I am still reminded of this when I hear something juicy and want to share, but then I remember how that felt so I don’t.

Can you tell I am trying to figure this whole codependant thing out still? I’m told it’s like alcohol or drug addiction. There is not a defined recovery pattern. There is only the day-to-day.

Each choice I make to spiral or to soar. Each relationship, real or imagined, a step to recovery.

I long for a relationship, a lasting, healthy relationship, but almost two years I still wonder if I will ever be able to let someone in. Well, maybe not let someone in, but let them in and not become everything.

This is a delicate balance that is foreign to me.

My delicate balance – Solid ground vs. a Free Fall