Last Post for 2011…probably…possibly…maybe…hmm

I have started this piece about four times on separate days and about completely separate topics. I have wondered through the cosmos of thought on such things as disappointing our parents, what it takes to be a good parent, and on the middle class being that it is currently the smallest class in society.

Who wants to hear about any of those things?! Not me!

Now I am sitting here in the silence of my mother’s living room. I hear the key strokes as I type and the quiet snores of my boys beside me, I am at peace here…but I know it won’t last. The chaos of the Christmas holiday has flowed into this week of the New Year. We are still making the rounds and opening gifts. Today I was supposed to meet up with some friends, but life happens and things got pushed to later, so we had Christmas with my ex husband.

He bought the boys gifts and I even got a toy or two!

We had a good day.

Though…it doesn’t feel like Christmas. I have always heard that the conversation is dead when you start to talk about the weather, but really t-shirts and shorts on December 29, is something to talk about! Being in upstate New York the last two winters has made us forget how lovely it can be in South Texas!

Elijah and Michael playing with the water fountain

Today there was not a drop of rain. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. I felt like it was spring and all I was missing was the floral backdrop!

Today we experienced our first taste of Zilker Park, and we will be back.

Trains, canoes, a playground, pool, sculpture garden and so much more all in one little space. I don’t know why I had never been their before. Best part about it is that it’s all for free! Ok, so the train is not but it’s only $1.75 per person and the pool is not but that’s only $3 per person. I would say that a day of fun for under $5 a person is pretty awesome.

All that followed by Phil’s on Lamar and some Amy’s Ice Cream. It was delish!

All in all we have had a fantastic Christmas.

Tonight we came back to my mom’s, I laid the boys down and I fell fast asleep…only to wake up an hour later…figures.

So I am heeding my sister’s advice this week and taking the week off from posting. Just thought I would let you all know I am still here…just playing and having fun on a short vacation.

I am thinking about New Years Resolutions so this may not be the last post of the year, the we’ll see!

Til then.

Does a forever love exist?

Today is a momentus occassion…my 100th post! Yay!!!

To make a really glorious impact I was going to write about attitude and gratitude and try to influence your Thanksgiving charity work.

Instead I have been pondering the reality of love. AND I would like to start out with something funny, so please – DO NOT be offended! Thank you.

Something I found on “Well Medicated Single Mommy” on Facebook the other day.

A girl in my women’s group told a story yesterday of a man who left his wife after 20 years of marriage because she was crippled by a stroke. In her greatest time of need, when the vows should matter most, he skates. That event in her life, she is one of the woman’s caregivers, has prompted my friend to question whether you can really love someone forever. Whether vows mean anything to anyone anymore.

Our group has differing opinions on whether forever exists in reality or in theory. One of my best gal pals says that it is due to our instant gratification bend in society. When things are challenging we no longer have to tough it out. In all honesty I think she might be right…to a point.

We are a world of microwaves, fast cars, incredible changes, easy access to sex, drugs, porn, and all manner of other unspeakables that pull at our attention until we no longer follow a well thought out path. We react instead of act and love falls into that category. We tell people that we love them, but are not “IN” love with them. Some people change partners like they do their underwear.

Loving the acts of love more than the emotions that should be involved.

I don’t shy from emotion. It’s life-blood. It makes my heart race and stomach flip-flop. I long to be in love. Perhaps not realistic love because we all know The Notebook was pure fantasy, but non-the-less that’s how I long to feel. I want to feel needed, longed for, and hoped for, and I want someone to know what I want more than I do. It is quite possible that Danny was that for me…at least for a while…but I have hopes that someone more amazing will be there for me for the rest of my days. 

I want love, respect, honesty, friendship, trust, the ability to communicate, and physical compatibility, with God as the cornerstone of the relationship. I think it’s only with all of those things that you can find the one who is supposed to be with you forever.

Without a faith in something greater than yourself, you will faulter.

Others in response to the question I posed on Facebook said:

**Yes. I think the problem is that we have such idealistic and unrealistic ideas about what that should be and don’t realize it’s often unconventional, but it does exist.

**Yep, if you’re a dog lover. lol

** Only with your children and God. The other kind is hollywood and bs.

**Yes. But it’s a choice. It isn’t easy, and you have to work at it every day, but it’s worth it. Every tear and every smile make it stronger.

**OH YES, You need to KNOW my wife to understand why it is possible for me to KNOW this.

**Yes…I think that once you truly love someone, you always love them. But loving someone & being committed to a healthy relationship with them that you intend on taking to forever are two different things. Gosh, Meg, such a complicated question. I may have to send you a more detailed explanation of my views on this via email. 🙂

How is it that so many have become so jaded? What is it that makes the others believe in it?

I think it is their faith. A belief in God, which is in essence, a belief in love. God (as I understand him) is love. God is who holds our hearts in wait until the right person comes along with the key. At least, after I had to let my marriage go that is where I have placed my heart.

I have been reading another book, as I am prone to do…and in it is a gorgeous poem. One with a message that I think we need reminding of.

Within my heart a garden grows
Wild with violets and fragrant rose.
Bright daffodils line the narrow path
My footsteps silent as I pass.
Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest,
I kneel in prayer to seek God’s best.
For round my garden a fence stands firm
To guard my heart so I can learn
Who should enter and who should wait
On the other side of my locked gate.
I clasp the key around my neck
And wonder if the time is yet
If I unlocked the gate today
Would he come in or run away?
I do not want to hold this key
Lord, will You keep it safe for me?
Then when he comes
If he’s the one
You’ll unlock the gate
Until then, I’ll wait.

That is from the book, A Promise is Forever, by Robin Jones Gunn. It’s not the book I am reading, but that’s where it was quoted originally.

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs, and a head with 2 faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into 2 separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves….”

Unlike some my belief in God doesn’t keep me from exploring the other paths of spirituality, so I can totally understand the mythological perspective. Who will be that other half? If I knew, would I be typing this blog or too busy with the one I love to be so internal?? I would hope for the latter…

Dana sent her longer version of love to me, so I will simply quote her here, because what she said is pretty much nailing it on the head…

“In response to your question on Facebook, I do believe there is a forever type of love beyond what we experience with God, our children, and our family. But I do not believe that one can find that sort of love in someone who does not love them back. Love depends on reciprocation, and, to quote an amazing country song, “it’s only love when you’re loved in return.” The reason – love is all or nothing. Not only do you have to be willing to give it, but you have to be willing and able to receive it. Once you reach that level of devotion with someone else, I don’t think that ever goes away. Can the person go away, sure, but they take a piece of your heart and soul with them. I stated earlier that I believed there was a difference between loving someone and being in a committed, lasting relationship. I’m not sure that statement is so true. That commitment, that yearning to experience life with someone, that unrelenting desire to please the other person – the very ingredients of true love – are also the definition of a committed relationship, I think. I’m not sure that one can exist without the other for any lenth of time.”

YOUR TURN:

Does a forever kind of love exist?

Is honoring your vows real?

If you can’t fulfill your vows what influenced that decision?

Even if you have been down the road of divorce do you still believe?

My truth…(Just.Be.Enough Monday)

My truth…what’s my truth about me…I have been reading all the posts today and have thought of a hundred or so ways to spin it, but I have settled on this list.

Here are some random facts about me and/or the way I believe.

1) My all time favorite book is Tara Road, by Maeve Binchey. It’s entirely to do with the storyline and plot, and little to do with the prose.

2) I have an ever-changing philosophy of life, love, and the path to happiness.

3) There are some people who I love just as much as I dislike them. Well, maybe not their entire person, but some of the internal parts of their person.

4) Love and Marriage are not one in the same. You can have love or you can have marriage, but a marriage with a person you are in love with is amazing.

5) Sometimes the only way to perk me up is to put on some RHCP or Foo Fighters. I think back to when I was young and carefree, and before life started to take its course. Then I can drag myself up out of the mire long enough to look around and say, “Hey, I’ve got it pretty good.”

6) I have been struggling with a deep depression lately. Like piles of laundry depression where even though I’ve taken the steps to make sure everything is clean I don’t really care if it makes it to the shelves and closets. My dishes are done, but only because after moving from 2000 miles away I only purchased what was needed to exist. I don’t have the option of letting it pile up.

7) I don’t generally believe people when they say I am beautiful. You can say it and I can say thank you and there maybe times when I think you could be right, but rarely and never all the time.

8 ) I have 4 pairs of black flats.

9) As much as I complain about being a chubby girl I do so little to change the fact that it’s laughable. I joined a new gym last week, so we will see how that works. So far, I haven’t been back.

10) I would love to plan weddings. I think they are beautiful. I would love to plan big ornate weddings. If I couldn’t plan them I would love to bake the cakes for them or provide the catering. Making something beautiful is just something I love to do.

11) I start doing lots of things, but it’s only the things I am very passionate about that I see through to the end.

12) I want to one day own a business of my own. Not a Mary Kay or Avon type business, but a business with a building and customers. I think it would be a blast to own a bar and have musicians play and people hang out and have fun. Then again I would love a bed and breakfast. I worked in B&B’s for several years and love that you can live in beauty and provide a place of beauty to people 24/7. Love that.

My favorite place that I ever worked was Ant Street Inn in Brenham, TX. I worked there while going to school. I often dreamed that one day I could own a place similar to it. But in my dream, the restaurant/breakfast room down stairs was a sound proofed bar where people wanted to hang out. (Here’s a link if you want to check it out. http://www.antstreetinn.com/ )

I’m really not sure which of my dreams the good Lord will bless me with or if he will give me a new one entirely, but I hold to the truth that it is His will that leads me and His plan that I will follow.

http://www.justbeenough.com/

Internal Revolution, or maybe it’s Evolution

Love, hate. Happy, sad. Beginning, end.

Being at the paradox of your existence is nothing new. But being at the tipping point of your own internal revolution is…it is very new.

As we age and learn and evolve we become more than we give ourselves credit for, and we learn from our mistakes. Today while seeking web-spiration (That’s like inspiration – but online!) I stumbled into change, thoughts, and some wicked emotions.

Change

This is one of the great truths of life. No matter who you are all you have to do is make up your mind to doing things differently. All life is a choice. Go this way, go that way. Take the easy road or take the road that is a little bumpy.

Just make a choice. Don’t float and hope for the best. Life doesn’t work that way.

The Emotion of an Act

Another of life’s great truths. Perhaps a little too much for some to think about, but something that must be decided before you act in some situations. There is a great quote from Mae West, who was a vixen in her day, “Sex is emotion in motion.” I was reading on a blog the other day that said emotions don’t matter anymore. That it’s just a physical act. That’s too insensitive for my brain to really think about, I’m with Mae.

(EDIT: It seems that I was a little too concentrated on the sex portion of this quote this morning. lol 🙂 ) It also has to do with allowing yourself the freedom to realize there is more to people than their bodies. Their thoughts, dreams and emotional selves are so much more important. Let yourself be free enough to make a connection, to become less inhibited.

Let the ones you care about in, show them your sins, be the open-book person.

BE YOURSELF!

I love Emerson. His take on things has helped make me the philosophical person I am today. Maybe I started reading Emerson a little too young, and it changed me too soon. But really allow this to seep into your bones. We are constantly bombarded by images and suggestions on what we SHOULD be. Rarely are any of us what popular culture has determined we are. DON’T ALLOW POP CULTURE TO DETERMINE ANYTHING! 

Be who you are.

If you don’t know…start a journal, write a blog, read a book.

FIGURE IT OUT!

Once you know who you are, you will know your dreams and you will be able to start making them happen!

JUST REMEMBER – the dreams you want now are not always the ones you will get. God has a plan for you and a you have a plan for you.

God’s plan OVER RULES yours.

A few final thoughts

In all you do pray.

If you need help making a choice – pray, then seek wise counsel.

If you are uncertain – wait…time will make everything work out.

Tell the truth because keeping track of lies is WAY TOO MUCH WORK.

Live for yourself. You are going to have to wake up and look yourself in the eyes every day.

Who do you want looking back?

Occupy is more than a movement its a change of existence

Today across the nation people are gathering. We are raising our voices in unison to our parents and forebearers to say that their way of doing things – their mindset – is no longer functional.

The progress of the past is not the progress of the future.

”We are the 99%” plan a demonstration Thursday in Washington: the “Tea Party” antidote

Sadly, there are people across the nation, and certainly in our own neighborhoods and families who do not understand. They witness us rocking the boat, and they shy away and say “SHAME ON YOU!”

I read on a facebook update, “We are all victims.” No, we are not. We are only victims if we allow ourselves to continue to live as victims. We are only victims if we do not take a stand and “decide to rise!” (Thank you Danielle La Porte for your pep talk today.)

We have sat and watched and listened and stood crippled by our own inexactitude. We have allowed the mainstream media and popular culture to mold and shape us into unrecognizable robots. We listen to the music handed to us, we watch the TV made for us, and we read the novels that are given to us by the educators of a system that is less than ideal.

When was the last time you read a book just because it looked interesting?

When did you do something simply because you thought it would teach you something?

Occupy America, Occupy Wall Street, the Occupy movement is just as much about the changing of our mindset as it is about corporate greed and the government’s undermining of our rights as citizens.

Yesterday, as I watched and reviewed a litany of information I was struck by the publics lashing out at these protesters calling them lazy, communists, hippies, and worse. I tried to explain to one group in a comment on yahoo’s article entitled,

(Please note that I wanted to copy and paste it here, but the link is no longer functioning.)

I stated that just because my view is different from the norm does not make me a communist. We don’t have communist goals. We do not think that we should be handed a bunch of free money. If you look at what me and millions of other people in my generation are saying you will not find communist idealism. We are not saying that every one deserves an equal portion of the pie.

We are saying that it’s time to remake the pie.

It’s time to go back to ground zero, to join forces as a population to remake and reform the errors of the past. Sometimes problems get so huge that all you CAN DO is full stop, back it up and start over. The democratic system is not broken. The perception of the people against this movement is that we are trying to abolish the system as it is. No…most of us are not.

The system is flawed – yes, but correctable.

The older generations raised us to believe that anything is possible if we work together and strive to make the world a better place. Then you threw us in front of a television and fed us bull shit, hoping that we wouldn’t wake up to realize the extent to which you have tried to brainwash us.

We are waking up.

We are finally realizing the truth of the consequences of your actions.

We are going to connect, correct, and contend with the changes that must be made in order to make the future for our children, one in which they don’t have to have the same struggles as we are faced with today.

Look around the media outlets today and check what the reports are about.

Check up on your congressmen and congresswomen, look at what they have done and are they doing anything?

Read and research the news for yourself. You will be shocked at the inaccuracy of some new stories.

Take the time to think about how you impact the world.

Take the time to think about how you could change your impact.

Take the initiative to play against type and stand for something.

Steve Jobs was a brilliant man, and today we mourn his passing. This portion of his speech from the graduation ceremonies at Stanford in 2010, speaks directly to this need to act now, don’t wait for someone else to do what you can do.

“It was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

Links to information about the Occupy movement can be found here:

Fearless

This video speaks volumes. This is maybe a video to listen to at least once a day or week. When those of you who are trying to be more than your circumstance are failing in your pursuits.

Fear is humbling, crippling, it is letting what ever is wrong in your life rule your life.

We need to not allow fear to rule. We need to be fearless. We need to know that we are better than what is going on around us and rise to the occassion.

I am terrified of so much, but what if I make the effort to be fearless. What if I accept that there is no fear and just begin to fulfill my dreams fearlessly?

What would happen if I was fearless?!

The question at the end of the video is do you know where you are going??

I can say with out a doubt, I haven’t got a freaking clue! How can I be fearless if I don’t know!?

I have two paths that I could take.

In one (my safe path) I am a counselor…in about 4 years. I work while my boys are at school and schedule life around their activities. I don’t know if I am married or not. Currently not, so I don’t plan for things that aren’t in reality. I hover somewhere in the middle class, probably still closer to the bottom than the top, but I’m raising kids and saving to fulfill their dreams.

The fearless path is a bit different all together. In this path I finish my novel. (I write fiction…maybe sometime I will post something. I have started a gothic novel and what I suppose is chick lit.) In this fearless path I have an agent who is prompting me to finish and publish this fabulously edited book, my fifth or so, and I am living my life on my terms on my own. My boys are in artsy schools (or whatever school they want), not the local public branch of teach to the test that is here. In my fearless path I am traveling all summer, every summer, and even during the year. All made possible by that mad dillusion of a best selling novel.

But who is to say that if I don’t make the effort to fulfill the dillusion it wouldn’t happen? Who is there telling me that my writing isn’t good enough? Me.

There is that saying, “I have seen the enemy and the enemy is me.”

Totally live that.

I think my goal for this next year is to try to be fearless. (Continue with school and work and the life less traveled…but to at the very minimum TRY to be fearless.)

FEARLESS…the very word makes me shutter. Speaking to people I don’t already know and having to come up with pleasant topics of conversation or answer a question!? Ahhh!

Now is the time to put on the big girl pants and head out and conquer this world with no fear.

Good luck to you who choose to be Fearless as well.