Renewal

Despite everything I have been through I am a hopeless romantic. I think there is one boy meant for me and I think that I am meant for him. I think that our experiences and trials will make us each perfect for the other.

I am strong-willed and strong voiced. I have issues with my past, but I am willing to put them aside for my ideal. My mother-in-law who is absolutely precious to me has presented me some tips from Al-Anon on the next steps in my journey…I think I will share them with you all.

I am, honestly, not sure if I can follow them, but I will try.

For starters, after the end of an alcoholic marriage there should be a waiting period of a year. During this year you are supposed to find yourself, get reaquainted with yourself, and learn all about the new you.

This is the step with which I find most reason to give pause. This is the problem.

I have been waiting a year. It was not a great year of self-discovery, but it was a year of contemplation. A year of thinking about the past and working out the hatred. Lord how I hated my husband for the things he had done.

My time for hatred is done. This is now time for renewal. Time to forgive past injuries and work toward making life happy again. Forgiveness, at least for me is a major step in regaining control of my life. I have to forgive and let go in order to move forward. I am swallowed in darkness when I am unable to forgive.

It is in forgiving and moving on that I find the light.

She also presented to me the concept of a list, figuring out what I want. Write down a list of characteristics that I hope to find in my ideal person. (No I am not sharing that list.) 🙂 I think I have some idea to what I want, but the list is long.

Definitely want someone who, like me, can communicate.

AND someone who can over look certain character flaws, like my incessant need to mess things up even when we are good fit.

OR the words that come flying out of my fingers and land on emails that should be edited before being sent to save them from being hurt and never talking to me again.

Oh hindsight you are a devil.

It is in our darkest hours that we find the light, and when that switch is flipped it is hard to turn off. Even when you have no business accepting an invitation you do and then you get stuck. It is us that want to live in the light who constantly try to bring back the darkness.

In my meeting a week or so ago a woman said, “Sometimes you create the chaos that has to be fixed because you know how to do that. You don’t know how to live without the chaos. You can’t allow peace to reign over your life.” I wrote it down and have tried to read it and think on it every day. This is so true for me and my life and my God in heaven I hope you can allow me to let the peace in.

So I am learning. I am growing. I am trying to not rush. I am trying to stay away. It’s not that I want to, but it’s what may save me in the end. I am nothing if I am not for myself.

The Onion

I am in school. I don’t know if I have told any of the readers that or not, but Monday was the first day of classes. I am going back to school to complete my degree to become a marriage and family therapist.

That should be a fun degree for anyone that I date. Lol…anyway.

Why marriage and family therapy? (I have had people ask this question.)

Here’s the thing, I want to help people like me figure things out. Like Dana said in my post last week, unravel the ball of yarn that is our thoughts and emotions. So, while the technical degree plan is marriage and family therapy, I am going to concentrate on the CoDA set. Yep – Codependance.

If you read my post on agony you know that I have had some experience with addiction. Well, it’s as the wife of an alcoholic. Open a psych textbook and look up codependant and I was the definition. Or should I say am…I don’t know…I am learning. Perhaps like alcoholism you don’t get over it, you just learn new ways to cope and you learn HOW to form boundaries.

As hard as it is for an addict or alcoholic to admit when they have a problem; it is just as hard for the partner in that relationship to admit that they’re a more than a little messed up too. It’s a tourturous dance of abuse and neglect.

Like peeling an onion. Addicts pull back your layers until there is nothing left. Starting with that protective boundary that keeps anything bad from penetrating. Then the thin inner layers, those would be self-respect, self-reliance, and self-confidence. Then instead of continuing to peel they just grab a knife and start hacking away at the rest of you. You know what you are supposed to be, but you’re unrecognizable.

You’re no longer whole.

It’s a pretty pathetic sight to see and even harder to recognize – if you’re the onion.

I have read countless books on becoming whole again. I have read the Courage to Change book from Al-Anon every day. It sits on my coffee table so that when I feel weak I can open it up and soak it in for a while.

Slowly you start to put yourself back together. Grasping shards of who and what you once were and hope that it’s enough to form a whole person.

Clinging to this knowledge, you try to put that outer shell back on, knowing that it is the only thing that will save you. Save you from being hurt. Save you from being tortured. Save you from feeling worthless.

Only you DON’T KNOW HOW. You try repeatedly and you can’t.

Just when I think I have got this figured out. This life post-husband, I realize that I am still trying to put the pieces together. I am not even to the point of finding that outer boundary. That solid form that keeps me whole.

I allow the self-doubt and unexpected confusion to cloud new friendships and relationships by constantly questioning “Why?”

The thing about what I have been through, and anyone else who has been through this knows, is that you never feel good enough about yourself to allow yourself to think you are worth being part of something good, something worth trying. Even if it ends in utter misery you don’t allow yourself the freedom to try.

So, this weekend as I am reading through my weeks assignments and trying to find the pieces of myself. Please, for the love of all that is holy, remember (as I will try) that we may be learning to cope and learning to try, but we will come out the other side. We will some day be whole. Someday we will allow the people that make us feel special to know that we aren’t complete psychopaths for not knowing how to love.

Not yet.