Perspective

Talk about putting things in perspective. I have been lamenting life, love and material things; while a friend of mine, one of my oldest, most consistent was dying. I wish he would have called me and told me he had been placed in the hospital.

I wish he would have let someone know…

In 2000, my mother remarried and since I was living with her at the time and scared to death to live on my own I moved with her. One day while out looking for a job I stumbled into a little bar named Noah’s Ark. It had a rough exterior and an eclectic interior; and as soon as I walked through the door I felt like I had come home. I applied for a waitress job and interviewed that afternoon, and by that evening I started my first shift. At that time, unbeknownst to me, Noah’s had a reputation. It was where the party animals played and I was fresh meat.

Really fresh meat, I hadn’t even turned 21.

Noah's Ark, Bacliff, TX - Best Crew and Best View

I met some awesome people here. I would love to tell you all their stories and our stories together, but I won’t. Just know that I learned some of the greatest lessons of life through these folks and I am indebted to them forever.

One thing I will share with you is that I learned to let go of tragedy, mistakes, and hardship. We all have our struggles, but if we can get together, have a little fun, and work together to resolve it – ANYTHING is fixable. Anything except death, and we have had our share of heart ache in losing those we love.

Scottie, Chelly, and now John. I know there are others, but these three have been some of my greatest friends and allies over the last decade, or so.

I watched Scottie make enough brisket and gumbo to actually be able to make a little of the good stuff myself. Chelly was the best bartender around, always gave me the hook up at the end of a shift, and always there when I needed to talk someone. She helped me work out a lot of information overflow for years.

Big John

John. John was special. Not short bus special, but being the kindest, most caring human being special. He was interested in making sure I was okay. If I needed anything if he could help he did. He has fixed countless crappy cars. Hauled my drunk self to my house (yes, I had an alcoholic husband, but that didn’t mean I was princess perfect.) He warned me against my marriage. He warned me before I was even married. He has been a rock to lean on in through thick and thin. I disappeared for a year and a half, and he was still there for me when I came back. I put the word out that I needed some coax to connect my TV to the wall for cable, and who do you think called me and said here you go.  John.

I went to his house and we got to talk a while, I told him thank you for always being there and I told him I loved him. He laughed we hugged and I went home. We have seen each other a few times since then and talked on the phone…just reminders of an old soul who cares deeply for his friends. He is the friend we should all strive to be.

There are few souls in the world that are as caring.

Today I find myself deeply saddened. I want to run to my bar and cry with my friends. I want to hide in my apartment and weep alone. I want to drive to John’s house and just hug his daughter.

These are the moments in life that we figure out our perspective. These are the moments of life that we learn not to regret telling others how we feel. These are the moments of life that make the rest of life worth embracing.

Life for today. Hope for tomorrow. Make each minute count. Tell the people you love how you feel today, because you never know when that day will be their last.

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Cause and effect

The two most handsome boys who ever walked this earth!

If you are like me you relive portions of your life in an effort to understand what got you to this point. Think and wonder and try to get to the bottom of it. Like Sherlock Holmes you pin point where in your path the switch was flipped that made everything different.

I wonder about my journey a lot.

It is a lesson in futility I know, but I still think about it. What if I had done this? What if I had done that? Why couldn’t I tell this person how I felt at this point in time?

Maybe everything would be different…maybe it wouldn’t. Who knows?

I do this constantly. I need to stop.

“Why?” you ask.

BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER!

I am a woulda, coulda, shoulda person, and can’t stand it. I made choices along the way that brought me my children, brought me a purpose, and brought me here.

Without those choices I wouldn’t have met some fantastic people. I wouldn’t have let go of bad relationships and friends. I would have never had my boys.

Most of my teenage years were spent as a doormat to other people’s hopes and dreams; and through “a series of unfortunate events” I was finally forced to find my own. What is life if you live it to another’s purpose if it is not your own?

My goal was to make other people happy, to hell with what I thought. I wanted to be a good daughter, I wanted to be a good student, and I bent over backward to make everyone think that it was what I wanted. I did that every day, every year, and through every circumstance for the better part of three decades.

Soon I will have my 31st birthday. I am finishing the degree that I started in 1999. I am living with two of the most handsome little boys who ever walked this earth, and I am loving almost every second of it. 

“How?”

Because I have given up trying to make everyone else happy. I live now for me. I live now for my future. I live now for my kids. I live now.

I suppose that is really the goal. To live. To thrive. To have hope and peace and love.

It is only through God that I am able to come to terms with not trying to make everyone else happy. Even thinking over the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s I have God at my back telling me the blessings that He has provided.

I hope through Him the blessings will grow and multiply, and the rewards in this world will continue. I hope that I can stop looking at the past long enough to live now.

Love and many blessings for your Monday!