Renewal

Despite everything I have been through I am a hopeless romantic. I think there is one boy meant for me and I think that I am meant for him. I think that our experiences and trials will make us each perfect for the other.

I am strong-willed and strong voiced. I have issues with my past, but I am willing to put them aside for my ideal. My mother-in-law who is absolutely precious to me has presented me some tips from Al-Anon on the next steps in my journey…I think I will share them with you all.

I am, honestly, not sure if I can follow them, but I will try.

For starters, after the end of an alcoholic marriage there should be a waiting period of a year. During this year you are supposed to find yourself, get reaquainted with yourself, and learn all about the new you.

This is the step with which I find most reason to give pause. This is the problem.

I have been waiting a year. It was not a great year of self-discovery, but it was a year of contemplation. A year of thinking about the past and working out the hatred. Lord how I hated my husband for the things he had done.

My time for hatred is done. This is now time for renewal. Time to forgive past injuries and work toward making life happy again. Forgiveness, at least for me is a major step in regaining control of my life. I have to forgive and let go in order to move forward. I am swallowed in darkness when I am unable to forgive.

It is in forgiving and moving on that I find the light.

She also presented to me the concept of a list, figuring out what I want. Write down a list of characteristics that I hope to find in my ideal person. (No I am not sharing that list.) 🙂 I think I have some idea to what I want, but the list is long.

Definitely want someone who, like me, can communicate.

AND someone who can over look certain character flaws, like my incessant need to mess things up even when we are good fit.

OR the words that come flying out of my fingers and land on emails that should be edited before being sent to save them from being hurt and never talking to me again.

Oh hindsight you are a devil.

It is in our darkest hours that we find the light, and when that switch is flipped it is hard to turn off. Even when you have no business accepting an invitation you do and then you get stuck. It is us that want to live in the light who constantly try to bring back the darkness.

In my meeting a week or so ago a woman said, “Sometimes you create the chaos that has to be fixed because you know how to do that. You don’t know how to live without the chaos. You can’t allow peace to reign over your life.” I wrote it down and have tried to read it and think on it every day. This is so true for me and my life and my God in heaven I hope you can allow me to let the peace in.

So I am learning. I am growing. I am trying to not rush. I am trying to stay away. It’s not that I want to, but it’s what may save me in the end. I am nothing if I am not for myself.

The Dream

I had this dream once of being swept off my feet. I knew it was a dream cause things like that don’t just happen. I live in the real world and interaction with fantasy just isn’t possible.

My reality consists of working a lot and raising my two sons. I struggle and I fight for everything that we have, but I can do it. This is what I have done for the last five years. It’s what I know how to do. It’s my reality.

I don’t find it very hard to admit, but I am a dreamer. If you know me you already know this. I can think for hours about things that may never happen. Things that I wish and hope for and maybe even consider realizing alone.

Why alone?

Perhaps I am jaded, but I think you have to form your dreams for yourself and if other people want to participate, than maybe…just maybe you can let them. You however are the ruler of your own life. What do you want to do with it?=

One of my childhood, or should I say teenage, wishes came true.

Is something further going to happen? I don’t know.

Am I too jaded to see things through? Perhaps. Because I am a little messed up. OBVIOUSLY so. I talked myself out of the possibility of more before less even happened.

Would you guys be reading this if it wasn’t for my messed up perspective, slight amounts of wisdom, and public cries for self-realization?

Here is a goal, I think. My goal is to live as I have said…for one year.

Live fearlessly. Live completely. Allow my faith, hope, and self to be fully their own.

Why is this a goal?

Because I NEVER allowed myself to let this happen. Allowing myself to fulfill my own dreams. If you want to participate then maybe you should realize that you’re not number one this year or even number two.

Hell, even living fearlessly I am not going to be number one.

Who wants to join me in realizing their potential? Who wants to know their dreams? Who wants to become fearless?

Sending out massive amounts of love.