Jobless isn’t the end of the World – Right?

What do you do when you are faced with a problem?

Do you tuck tail and hide? (Because that’s what I feel like doing.)

Do you ignore the chatter and rise from the ashes? (Hope to do)

Eat pumpkin anything and gain 20 pounds? (As I type I am eating delicious pumpkin bread pudding…and it’s amazing!)

Here is the problem – and it’s not really a problem – just something else on the path to understanding. I am losing my job. I have been here since April 2012, and I have worked my tail off letting everything including this blog suffer and for what? To be told that since your boss was a bad boss we had to let him go and since we have a whole team assembled who can do your job in another city we are going to let them do it.

Sure, they have offered to move me to one of two locations – without an increase in pay – one is in the middle of desert surrounded by the pollution that I loathe and the other is deep in hickville away from proper civilization. I don’t require much, but for a girl who loves theater, symphony music, and museums…hickville’s not going to cut it.

So I am here…arriving at decision time with three months to decide my fate.

Pulled from Google Images - If you know who made it I will give them full credit.

Pulled from Google Images – If you know who made it I will give them full credit.

I guess it’s really not three months, more like two and a half, but it is also right at the holiday season when NO ONE wants to hire!

It would be perfect if I could leave here at the end of the year, take a week off, and start right up somewhere else, but to get them to even look at my resume. No actually it would be perfect if “they” could find a way to keep me for at least a few more years, or if they could pay me more, or if I didn’t have to be on the road 3 hours a day just commuting to and from work.

I figure that’s just part of life living in one of the most spread out cities in the country.

I get excited at the idea of leaving…but where would I go? What will I do? Where will I live?

Do I move to get out of a city full of smog?

Do I find something that keeps the rest of my life as it is and just humbly soldier on?

Honestly, I do have responsibilities here.

I lead a Cub Scout den. I will start leading Danielle Laporte’s Desire Map book club for the “South of Houston” area in January (I would have to give that up – and I don’t wanna.) I am a member of a church that I have grown to love and get excited to attend every week.

I would love to work locally though, heck – I’d love to work from home! Wouldn’t that be awesome! I could do a lot if I worked from home. I would save money and not be on the road so much. I don’t think it will happen, but it is fun to dream.

I feel stuck. I shouldn’t because I have time, experience, and options on my side.

I feel let down because something I thought would last is ending.

I feel nervous because of timing and possibilities. Fortunately some of those possibilities are out of my control and with a little prayer and meditation the nervousness can be tempered.

I also feel excited by those possibilities. What could happen if I just step out of this shell that I’ve encased myself in? What if I find exactly what I am looking for in a job and career?

What if something amazing happens because now I get to look for it out in the open without recourse by my employer because they told me to see what’s out there?

Now time to reread my post from last week…I think that line of thinking is key to my next step.

Until next time –

Just found on Raw for Beauty’s facebook page, by way of the Desire Map group. It’s long but so beautiful and appropriate for this post.

What makes You itch?

What makes you itch? ~Alan Watts

I love that.

I hear that and so many ideas come to mind. Writing the great American Novel, Globe School, having a Bed and Breakfast, being a stay at home mom, or being a successful independent business woman. But what really makes me itch? More pointedly, as Alan asks at the end of the video

“What do I desire?”

All kinds of things.

Galveston Beach - Sunset September 29

Galveston, Sunny Beach, Sunset – September 29, 2013

I challenge you to ask yourself every morning while you are brushing your teeth,

“What do I desire today?”

Where will you be if you work to create the feelings inside of you that fulfill that desire?

Do you desire happiness? This is a choice made each day. Make it and own your happiness.

Do you desire freedom? We are not as free as we once were, but we are as free as we want to be to drive down the road with the top down, to run around the beach, to go out into the world and experience it. We are free to be ourselves. Claim your freedom.

Do you desire love? This is trickier, but I think you must love yourself broken and bruised before anyone else can love you. Until the day you meet someone who is the shining reflection of your inner light keep yourself a work in progress.

Don’t let yourself be defined by the people who may have broken you before.

You are worthy of love. Believe it.

But these aren’t really what this video is about. This video is about way more than that.

Alan Watts is speaking about the quality of your life.

“What would you do if money were no object?”

Imagine for a moment that you are the most wealthy woman (or man) to ever inherit money on the planet and never had to work another day in your life.

How would you fill the hours?

Would you paint?

Would you write?

Would you buy a farm and tend the land?

Would you fight for the causes that cause you the most heartache?

Would you simply live life and raise a family?

Would you spend your life in selfish pursuits? I’m not judging, it’s a valid choice.

Dock for Post 10-10

Galveston Bay, Sometime in April, from the balcony of Noah’s Ark Cafe

I think I would not hesitate on globe school a moment longer. My sons and I would head out as soon as the money was in the bank! But even traveling and educating them would leave me with a hole, a void that would need to be filled.

I do not exist in a vacuum. I see through the façade too easily to be able to live so solitarily for too long.

After our journey I would buy a B&B somewhere and settle into writing books and cleaning toilets and making delicious gourmet treats. I would find a way to give back to the community.

But life isn’t this way. We have to work. We have to live. We have to make money for the things that pay for the fact that we live in the world we do.

On second thought and as Alan Watts states in the video,

“If money IS the only thing, then you will spend your entire life completely wasting your time.”

I have moments where I know I am completely wasting my time. I do too much that I have to do and not enough of what I want to do. I ignore the desires. I hide in my happiness because that is a choice I make each day, but it’s not always how I feel.

That’s not right!

We all enter the world with a purpose that is ours to discover and we are blessed with the abilities to do it, whatever “it” is.

Money is a means by which we have to live, but it should not define us.

What if we stopped focusing so much on monetary value and started to focus on our worth?

What if we focused on our passion?

What would you do?

Would you write? Would you paint? Would you have more children? Would you give of yourself to charity?

It is baffling, but there are actually people who love to sit at a desk all day maintaining ledgers and making the world run.

What if we each did what we were meant to do instead of what we have to do?

So much of our daily activity is soul crushing and menial.

Statistically as our society and culture became center more on money, than on pursuits of passion, the need for mental health treatment has risen – dramatically.

That should tell you something.

We have problems because we were not made to have money as our only focus. We were not made to be slaves to a clock or to sit in cubes and offices all day doing nothing but mindless tasks.

We were made to create!

We were made to be free!

We were made to love and live on this miraculous planet.

So, what makes you itch?

“Being In Service to Something Larger Than Yourself”

Every day we are told to do what is best for our own self-interests.

Do whatever you need to do to give yourself the best life possible, who cares what happens to everyone else. They are not your problem.

I can’t get over how wrong I think this idea of life is…I am not the only one.

I personally think that nature is the best teacher for this and it’s in nature that you can see how interdependent we are meant to be.  We are not meant to be islands unto ourselves. It may be a dog eat dog world, but it wasn’t supposed to be.

I envision a world where we are each dependent upon each other. No one has to go without because there is plenty to go around. I don’t think it’s socialist to change and equate the systems. There is no reason for poverty and homelessness. There is no reason for greed and persecution. There should be no place for these things in our world.

Yet they are everywhere.

What do you suppose would happen if we chose to live a different way?

What do you suppose would happen if you reached out and helped those around you?

Watch this video. I am not the only one who has a new vision for our planet.

We are not individuals. We are all one. We have to grow beyond that thinking.

 

“Bow into service.”

Become “the more beautiful world your heart knows is possible.”blog

Have you been Wrecked?

Have you been wrecked?

This is a simple question asked in an email from Jeff Goins. Actually the email contained his manifesto, “Wrecked for the Ordinary: A Manifesto for Misfits.” In bold print on page two – “MOST PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.”

So of course I had to continue reading.

If you have been following this blog or stopping by temporarily to catch my latest ramblings you know that I have been writing out who I am. Figuring out who I am and how I relate to the world around me. Trying to figure out how to make a typical existence work for me when everything inside is screaming that I shouldn’t.

I call it my gypsy soul, but I wonder if it is something more.

I am the “I can do that” person that always wants to do more for others and help, but never quite seem to fill the void that makes me want to do these things. I want to join in every charity that my heart wants to help despite my brain saying, “You have no time for this!” I get over run with things to do and never quite do any of them very well because I am always thinking about the next thing that has to be done.

As Jeff writes, “ [I am] struggling to find meaning in [my] everyday life. [I am] floundering, lost in a cloud of insignificance and mediocrity.”

This is hard to admit that I do all of these things trying to fill the void that exists when I try to just live a normal life. I know many, if not most, of you don’t understand this void, or if you do you have learned to control it. I have tried everything from living life on the edge with craziness and an alcoholic spouse to just struggling every day to provide for my family. I haven’t figured it all out, but no matter how much there is TO Do I never quite feel fulfilled.

“They strive. They long for what they can’t have and thus despair, perhaps growing a bit disillusioned.”

To despair is to be hopeless and I am anything but hopeless. I think I have enough for what could be, but living life as I do every day makes the feeling of “hopelessness” exist. I get up, I get dressed, I wake the boys and get them ready, the nanny/babysitter arrives and I leave for work, drive 40 miles one way to my office and proceed to work 9-10 hours and go home. I drive the 40 miles back home, pick the kids up for whatever activity we have that evening OR if I have charity meetings in town I drive to that, do that, and THEN drive the 40 miles home…I get home in time to eat dinner, read a story and lay the boys down to bed. We repeat this 5 five days a week and you have some idea of how much time I spend chasing my wheels.

I know this is not the first time I have lamented this, but it is to make this point again, that there is more to life than this.

There is no amount of time that I spend away from home all day that justifies the void that I feel when I lay down at night. No matter what I have filled the time I was awake doing there is still that voice inside that says I should be doing more.

What? When? It isn’t possible!

It’s impossible to think that there is any way I could do more in present circumstance, so I have to seek a way to change the circumstance.

Hey – It’s not the first time.

Back to line one, “Have [I] been wrecked?”

There is both a resounding yes and a humble no. I have been wrecked by always striving for a life that I don’t think I will ever have. I have been wrecked by homelessness and insecurity. I have been wrecked by the daily struggle of every single mom who may or may not have enough money to make it to her next payday. But I have not seen first-hand how hard life could be. I have not walked into a village of people whose life is put on the line every day just to provide for their families. I have not reached beyond myself to grasp the hand of a dying man because he wanted to connect with life.

I haven’t forced myself to fill the void that exists.

I have tried repeatedly to close my ears to a calling to a higher purpose.

Jeff says, “At first, it’s disorienting – maybe even distracting. It calls out of you the greatest parts of you – the parts you might be afraid to let out.”

“In the end, you’re not who you were before. You’re different. You’re changed. You may even feel like your old values have been, in a sense, ruined by this new worldview.”

So I am seeking answers to where to go from here. Globe school for the boys will be a big part of this, but I think it is evolving from a purely selfish idea into something where I can act compassionately with a group of like-minded individuals. I’ve asked the only friend I know who left his life in pursuit of compassionate action how he knew it was the right choice when he did it. I am hoping he can help me as I have to walk down this path. I am not built for apathy and ignorance is a four-letter word to me.

The void must be filled, the thirst must be quenched.

Life must be meaningful, status quo will never work for me.

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Governed through Consent

You and I are governed through consent.

This is a given in a world of question marks that I don’t have all the answers, but a world in which I try to exist. What happens when you no longer agree with how you are governed? Who is it that will inevitably control your consent?

Last Friday, The Guardian published an article on PRISM. An NSA program targeting all of the data processed on every cell phone number Verizon provided. When we say all of the data, we mean all.

Every tweet.

Every status update.

Every nonsensical thought.

They want to predetermine subversives and terrorists.

They want to know all of this information to prevent mass bombings and solve criminal behavior.

Why do we use the term “They”?

“They” are the organizations that prevent the behavior?

It’s my theory that “They” are not middle income government employees, but let’s not go there. That is dangerous territory in this day and age.

I am often asked, “What is my political affiliation?”

For many reasons I am pretty conservative in my actions. For many more I am liberal in my views.

Basically I feel we each have the right to private property, life built on our own terms and the ability to express ourselves without recourse.

It was pointed out to me yesterday that I am Libertarian.

Now, I have looked that up and largely agree with their views, but I don’t believe that I am.

Then in that same conversation I was asked if I am an anarchist.

This led me down a train of thought that you can only imagine.

While I am not happy with how we are governed I do believe we need to be governed. I believe there needs to be systems and processes in place to provide the infrastructure we have come to enjoy.

Without an entity worrying about the details we would not have reached the diversity in thought and availability of information.

We would not have moved beyond the Industrial age to the Information age.

We would have halted our theoretical evolution.

OR perhaps not, but we wouldn’t be where we are today.

Many of the arguments I have read refer to our Founding Fathers. They contain great quotes by great men who were themselves subjected to a tyrant. Benjamin Franklin is HUGE right now.

“Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”

That is the one that circulates and recirculates until your head spins. But what was his context?

I haven’t actually had time to read the entire book I found involving this, so we will just have to believe that he was referring to the standard practices of the British who ran the Colonies at the time.

Franklin also believed that in order for the republic that would be formed the peoples had to be virtuous for it to survive.

His parents were pious Puritans. Puritan values include devotion to egalitarianism, education, industry, thrift, honesty, temperance, charity, and community spirit.

These values have become so integrated with the American spirit that you can feel Franklin’s impact daily.

Franklin also believed in the “Divine Providence” of this endeavor. This nation built on freedom and self-reliant responsibility. He felt God was in command of our every action.

To me he was correct.

God’s divine providence created a whole new world of governmental possibilities.

However, Franklin also believed that in order for the Republic to survive it had to be run by good, virtuous men.

Nearly 100 years later Lord Acton provided a memorable thought.

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

What the Founding Fathers built and believed in was a system of small federal government that kept the states in control of their destinies. No, not all the representatives agreed to that ideology, but their history proved that only the local governments could understand the needs of the local population.

The foundation was set for freedom and liberty and due process.

(Due Process 2013 style is another post entirely)

Now nearly 250 years from the Continental Congress we are met with a growing dissidence to the actions of the government that has constantly been handed more and more power.

We give them power for our safety.

We write the rules of social responsibility with the government providing the keys to the piggy bank that will provide prosperity to the nation.

We provide our consent to security beyond anything our forefathers ever imagined.

I can remember when I was a child we had some freedom to explore. We could wander within a range of our home and experience the liberty of our own choices. Nothing was more liberating than walking to the corner store with a dollar and buying a candy bar and then eating it in the woods with my friends.

I was 8 years old and felt like I had some control of my existence.

Today, my son is 7 years old and when I think of letting him walk to the building next door to our apartment to buy a candy bar alone I cringe.

Why is that?

Because our world is incredibly different.

We live in a world where it seems the majority of the population has forgotten that to be a part of a free society they have to have a certain level of virtue and decorum. The unwritten rules of life and propriety that are scoffed at in the modern world are the precise rules that let us be free.

So when we are faced with the choice to put up surveillance cameras to monitor the actions of others to place blame when something bad happens, we let them.

We allow the monitoring of ourselves to protect ourselves from thieves, murderers, vagrants, and child abusers.

We trade our privacy to protect. We began doing this while I was a child.

Monitors in that store where I bought the candy bar would blink and the VHS tapes would record and if something bad were to every have happened to me there I would have been seen.

When my mother and grandmother were children they had the ability to have that same freedom I felt, but the monitoring of their actions didn’t exist. That was when community meant something. That was when if you miss behaved your mother received a phone call from the store clerk telling her that you had pinched a piece of chocolate and she could pay for it next time she was there.

We have replaced this line of thinking.

We now do what we want and leave it to a prosecutor to catch us. We have allowed the disintegration of the community that the founding fathers had wanted to create.

We now have “Big Brother.”

Where your actual blood brothers should be we have a video camera, a satellite link and digital relations watching out for us.

As technology has developed during my lifetime, I’ve watched the preventative measures to unseen dangers develop as well.

For every milestone made in technology there is a milestone in government bureaucracy. We give more power and the government willingly and joyously accepts.

All in the name of security and jobs.

I think back to Lord Acton, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

I think back to Ben Franklin’s belief that for the republic to prosper we need virtuous leaders.

I’m of the opinion that the bureaucratic power we have provided the government lends itself to absolute corruption. If we are governed by consent we have given the powers in charge the ability to do whatever where ever they want.

My freedoms dwindle while they remain unchecked.

But

There is another piece to this puzzle.

Education

We were given an education that caused us to think for ourselves, grasp theories and explore possibilities, write our own opinions and develop the tools to think for ourselves.

Whether we were introverted or extroverted we were taught to develop ideals that would have a positive impact on the world.

I don’t know if this was everywhere, but I know this is what I was taught by the leadership in my school.

Think for myself.

Share your theory and have an open discussion.

Build the idea alone and then put it into action as a community.

Whether that community was a few students or a whole organization.

It is with this line of thinking that we have developed the tools that allow for the wealth of human knowledge and history to be available at a moment’s notice. By developing a theory alone and putting it into practice within a group humanity has developed the internet, the computer, the personal computer, cell phones, GPS, and on and on.

We embraced all of these technologies that we have built because of the knowledge that exists within them.

Humans are curious. Humans crave connection. Humans crave community.

So here we are. 2013.

Our curiosity, our connection, our community exists online and through the internet. We share knowledge, opinions, news, and need to innovate.

We share one with another in hopes of creating breakthroughs in our own human, temporary, existence so that all of society can improve.

Our education provided the tools to make this possible.

I graduated high school in 1999, having completed courses in Physics and Calculus, advanced placement in History and Government. I don’t know if we were an exceptional class, or the norm for the country of the time, but I was normal for my peer set.

I look back with interest as I discuss education today with my peers who have become teachers.

Nothing is taught in the same light as before.

Where once teachers shared their idealism and need to get the children to think for themselves. There is now a need to conform and teach to the prescribed curriculum.

A curriculum that has been dumbed down.

In a world whose lifeblood is knowledge we are hindering our children who attend public schools.

We are teaching to the base line instead of setting our expectations higher.

Why?

Through my research I have found several reasons…none of them are good.

First, it is not easy to control someone who has the ability to think for themselves.

Second, we are a resource based planet. We can never create more of any of our finite resources and it has been suggested that more educated people require higher incomes and therefore will consume more resources with these higher incomes. So it’s actually a threat to our sustainability.

Finally, those in power like to feel superior to the norm. If you price education out of their range and remove the tools to assist in the payment of that education; and then tax and fee the student to death they will never meet their potential. By never meeting their potential that makes room for those with the money, no matter their common sense and reasoning, to become the societal elite.

My children are being raised at a time when math isn’t thought to be of much importance. Reading words and comprehension are vastly different topics. Science isn’t really about innovation, but about repetition. Recycle, reduce, reuse the same theories until they learn more at home than in the school that is supposed to be teaching them the keys to the world.

The state that I live in, love and pay taxes to has rewritten our public school curriculum to their political affiliation, rewriting history and adopting books that change the very foundation of knowledge.

I could go on and on about the travesty that is our educational system, but really what does this have to do with the problem at hand?

By being taught to only do as the authority tells you and to be punished for thinking otherwise we are predisposing our kids to a life of surveillance. By not educating them to think for themselves they will never cause dissidence or create polarizing arguments.

They will never feel the passion of knowing something isn’t right at the very core of their being.

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

Right now we are at an impasse.

Society, government, virtue, and education are all being forced to reexamine themselves.

I have more questions now than when I began my research for this topic.

Questions that go to the very core of who we are as Americans, who we are as Humans, and who we want to become.

Do we want to continue down this path of centralized, political subservience?

Do we need to reboot the system?

Do we know who is dependable enough to not seek selfish gains to correct the problems?

Is it possible to create the world we want while hurting no one?

The undercurrents of society are not sure about the last one, but I feel as others feel that in order to change the future you have to do it differently than in the past.

War in any form is not an option because it would take from the very premise of the changes needed to improve society.

So, to you dear reader, how can we make this country, a country we can be proud of once again?

“Stop the Glorification of Busy”

Ten minutes ago I told someone “I like to be busy.”

He said, “It certainly makes the day go quicker.”

Then I took the lunch I heated up, headed back to my desk, flipped on Facebook and was confronted with this image.

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Let’s let the words ruminate for a bit.

“Stop the glorification of busy.”

Stop

The

Glorification

Of

Busy

~Whoa~

Pardon me while I have a moment.

What does THAT MEAN!?!?

I’ve been complaining about the lack of tasks to do on a given day of the week, but does that mean I am glorifying busy?

I can’t say for sure, but I think so.

I get caught in this web of – I have to do this, then this, then this.

I like having a tight schedule and deadlines, so this role change at work has thrown a kink in my day.

For ten of the last twelve months I have been extraordinarily busy. I’ve juggled multiple stresses and handled everything from screaming vendors (yes, literally) to lack luster coworkers who really didn’t want to work, and I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job.

But – Am I glorifying busy?

It would seem that yes – yes I am.

Because I felt like I was an integral part in the chain of purchase to paid completion. I mattered. People could try but they couldn’t ever quite do what I could do.

(Yes, I was wrong for thinking that…but I did.)

My role changed about two months ago and the pace at which I worked feels like I came to a dead stop in a hurricane. Like I was on the dirty side and now I’m not. Now I am just watching the clouds from the dry side. Watching them dip and swirl and never having to get wet.

This isn’t a bad spot to be in, but I am no longer busy.

For a while now I have complained because it feels like it should be a bad thing. I have time on my hands when everyone else that I know seems to be extremely busy. I can walk through the floor and see members of the various departments typing away.

Enter this, delete that, pay this, wait on that, why hasn’t this client paid, why are these invoices being…you get the idea.

I am wrong again.

“Stop the glorification of busy.”

Having time on my hands isn’t a bad thing.

It leaves me time to think about how to improve the process so that the whole company can benefit. Having been in the trenches I know what it is like and I can provide workable solutions.

I think the whole corporate world needs to put a stop to Machiavellian power strategy that keeps the guys at the top, the guys at the top.

One of the books I’m reading right now is “The Prince.” Machiavelli’s homage to the great power struggles of his day.  But the philosophy is still so prevalent today.

But let’s not get into that right now.

Right now you should be thinking of your life (personal or professional) and figure out how you can stop glorifying the amount of stuff you do.

Slow down.

Don’t join every club.

Don’t agree to be the do it all soccer mom.

Learn to say no.

No is a powerful word when you are trying to change the busy habit.

keep-calm-and-just-say-no

What a difference a year makes!

I almost feel like I should apologize for my absence. I have been away too long. I will try to get better about this work/life balance thing. It’s just not as easily as it reads.

I have been thinking about where I was at this time last year and how much has changed in the last 12 months. Also about how much life is going to continue to improve in the next 12.

I can confirm the power of prayer.

I know you all remember the posts, the sadness, the written prayers for guidance and relief.

Turns out – God is listening.

Last year I had lost one of my best friends, was barely scraping by financially and barely holding it together mentally…scratch that. I wasn’t holding it together at all.

I was frustrated and lost and broke beyond words.

All I could think about was what could have been. I couldn’t see my light and I was having problems recognizing the parts of life that made me happy. I always asked myself how could so much happen to me in a year that my life and my self were completely unrecognizable?!

I think for me the answer lies in strength. I had to find strength to be alone. Strength to know that I could climb the mountain…metaphorically speaking.

I had to be willing to forgive the hurts totally and completely.

Who am I?

Another big question 12 months ago…I think this will always be a question for me because I learn and evolve daily. I am not set in my ways. I don’t believe that my way is the only way – even if sometimes I say it is.

Perhaps knowing this about me also answers the question.

A year ago I did not know that I could change so completely with little internal effort. I prayed.

I sat up at night crying into my hands praying for God to show me the way. I laid my burdens down and begged him to fix me.

I remember saying, “I quit! I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what to do. I have no money. No new job possibilities. No food. No furniture. It’s all in your hands now. You guide me. You lead me. I am depleted.”

I think we all know this feeling, the hollow emptiness that creeps into our souls. It saps our strength and makes us question our every intention. Total vulnerability and despair.

I don’t know if I had ever done that before, placed my every thought, possession and fiber of my being in to God’s hands. I really can’t remember a time when I allowed myself to be so out of control with myself. Spiritually speaking, of course.

The changes came slowly.

First it was my attitude toward the situation. I could either continue to wallow in the pit of despair or I could pick myself up and start all over again.

So, I picked myself up. I did the daily routine. I forced myself to take the kids to the park, make play dates, bake cookies, clean house. All of those things that normal people take for granted.

And I prayed for strength.

I read books on codependency. How could I change this about myself if I didn’t know the behaviors that had been used to describe my life of 10 years?

I educated myself.

Next (about three months later) I realized I couldn’t do the daily grind at the university anymore and I quit. Granted I had a different life in mind when I quit…but what does that matter now. Point was I was unhappy; I was useless in the role I was in because I wasn’t busy. I can do a lot of things all the time or I can do nothing all the time, but remembering to do one thing once a month about drove me mad and I never remembered to do it. So, let’s face it…because I didn’t like being bored, I did a terrible job.

I prayed. God showed me my escape and I left.

I wrote.

March 2012 was the busiest month ever on this little blog. I went to Starbuck’s and wrote, almost every week day. I started a book or two and got to know how I felt about being me.

I found self-confidence…it had been missing for a while.

I prayed, God started to light my path.

A week into my employment sojourn I started to reapply to every temporary agency that I had ever heard of. I worked it. I went to interviews and submitted resumes; met lots of rising stars in corporate Houston. None of them wanted me.

So I stopped trying so hard.

I went into Accountemps one day in a last ditch effort to find anything. I redid all the testing I had done the year before. I took a new typing test. I filled out paperwork for hours. I looked up phone numbers I hadn’t called in years.

I sat quietly in a room until a man I had never met walked in and got to judge me.

I prayed.

God listened.

Evan got to play God for me that day. Apparently my resume was good enough to send to a few places, so I sat a while. I left with two interviews with companies the very next day.

I prayed. “God…I’m almost out of money again. Show me the way.”

I wrote about it I am sure.

I was a new person by every measure of the word. New attitude toward people and life. New outlook and fresh perspective. I was happy to be young. I was happy to be a mother. I was ready to embark on the world and make something of me. At least in my little corner of the world.

I prayed some more and went to the first interview.

Two nice guys with a logistics firm not too far from my tiny apartment.

I left with a job if I wanted one.

“God show me. God lead me.”

I arrived for the next interview a little early, but not too early. It was in a run down old bank in a small town near my small town. A ten minute drive every day and I could be at work. It was perfect.

What was I looking for?

A job in purchasing or logistics that could use my experience but not one that was too big and would have lost the human element. A place I could grow into. A place that would keep me busy. A place that felt like home.

The second interview wasn’t much of an interview, more of an in depth job description and run down of duties. I explained my past experiences and left feeling pretty good about it.

I called Evan when I got to my car and told him that if they wanted me, I wanted this job.

Not even five miles down the road and I had a job that started the next week. I was ecstatic!

Prayers answered!

I have been busier than I ever imagined since beginning in April. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you know just how busy I mean. I am working 50 hours a week and have enough work for 80 hours a week!

But I have a life. I have a family that needs me and I want to want to be at work while I am at work.

I am breathing easier.

A few months ago the boys and I changed apartments within our complex so that we could all have a little more space.

Another prayer answered.

We’ve been able to employ one of our dearest friends so that she has a job that allows her the flexibility to live the life she wants and the love for my kids that I have. A person I trust explicitly.

Another prayer answered.

I have new prayers these days, but mostly prayers of Thanksgiving.

I know I have been absent lately, but I feel so blessed and happy that I can not begin to express how thankful I am.

Thank you God and my family for all that you have brought me through in the past year or so. With you my life has been a miracle.

Happy Thanksgiving you guys!

One of the Oldest Professions

I started this post weeks ago with a different intent, but now, I have a more wholesome approach to one of the Oldest Professions.

How many of you have ever been a waiter or a waitress? Anyone? Most of us at some point have done this particular job. Do you remember how hard it was?

I have been a waitress at two different restaurants in my life. At the moment, I am waiting tables…but I don’t remember it being this hard! OH MY GOODNESS!

So, this is a piece on remembering to tip your waiters and bartenders and why…although I had planned on something more along the lines of a courtesan or concubine or mistress. That too is an old profession…just as old as marriage. So…like I said…much more wholesome.

On March 7, I started waiting tables again. I am working at the big, little restaurant on the bay and wow…am I in pain!

Once upon a time when I was 20 years old and working at this same restaurant. We would hire someone over 30 and I would laugh when they couldn’t keep up and smile on command.

<insert expletive> this is HARD!

Now I know why these women were huffing and puffing and their ankles were caving in!

Ouch!

Needless to say I am eating my words from my 20 year old self and I would like to smack the B—-. Only she is me and self abuse I teach against…although I think I am losing that argument as well every time I arrive at work. My schedule generally goes like this…

Clock in

Clean

Take a table

Finish what ever I was cleaning

Take another table

Run, table, run, table, table, run, etc…

For 6 to 9 hours a day…at least the 9 hours is expected (eventually) and after 9 shifts of 7 hours I ache! Places I didn’t remember I had ache! (If my physical therapist knew she would be beating me with her stretching belts!) My legs got a little shaky by Saturday afternoon and I nearly toppled a tray full of drinks on a table full of senior citizens! I saved it though…and felt better about myself about that. Yay me!!

One week in and I had renewed vigor in my job search. (Just so you know.) I have been on four interviews this week! Finally the economy really does look like it is picking up and it’s evidenced in the job banks! Thank you God! Just in time!

Anywho…I also forgot the pettiness of some people. I have been playing (working) with grown ups for far too long so petty people infuriate me. For those who have never waited tables before…allow me to enlighten you.

We have side work.

By that I mean we do menial tasks at $3.35 an hour until they are complete AFTER our shifts.

What do I mean by pettiness?

“She didn’t roll enough silverware.” “She tried to help the new guy when she is new herself.” “Don’t touch that!” “Blah, blah, blah…”

Pettiness people. If you are old enough to serve a drink you are old enough to not fight over bull shit. I am certain there is a more G rated term for that…but it is in fact bull shit…because it smells of such a substance.

I think I have posted before that my body is damaged and apparently no one I know reads my posts…so I am left to reexplain the trials of myself since having children. I feel a bit like a lazy chubby girl, but there are in fact medical reasons for everything, thus I have been angry with myself as much as others with higher expectations…because my 20 year old self would definitely be making fun of me.

Please – for the love of God – remember to tip your bartenders and waitstaff. Here is why…

1) They might have families they are supporting.

2) Someone around the corner from your table may be poking at their ego and stamina and it is reflecting in how they are dealing with you. I know you are thinking the wait person should be able to rise above this, but some times they really just want to go to the back and cry.

3) If you have been there for an hour remember what you expect to get paid for and then remember that you have been serviced for an hour. Not had to lift a finger (okay mostly not had to lift a finger.) every thing is delivered to you…at least meet the waiter half way…give them a five spot. I think they at least deserve that.

4) If you don’t want to leave a tip, don’t go to a full service restaurant allowing the waiter/waitress to respond to your beck and call, and then leave them with nothing. Just don’t do that. It’s bad karma. Bad ju ju…just skip the full service restaurant. Head out to a place where you can order your own food and pick it up at the window.

All that being said, I have made pretty good money even if most of it has gone to the care of children while I am working. If I didn’t have that expense we would be peachy keen. But I do…because I had kids…because I was married to an a–hole. (That’s another post.)

I feel the need to insert a song here…Everlast…Getting By.

Today (or maybe tomorrow) I am making a guest appearance at CommuniCATE CLICK HERE  to link and read about blogging and depression. It’s interesting stuff. Perhaps you to will want to blog and share and learn how to be a better you.