Family Ties

Wasn’t Family Ties an awesome show in the 80’s? I don’t really remember it, but I remember how I felt at the end of each episode. No matter what happened during the first 20 minutes of the show the last 10 solved all the problems, and wrapped it up in a nice little bow. It was uplifting, fabulous, and the characters are eternal.

That’s not the family ties I mean though in my title. The family ties I am thinking about are the ones that exist between a woman and the family that was created when she married a man. When you marry, you marry the family. You do not marry one girl, you marry a clan of people all with one goal – make sure she is happy.

I know that part of why I kept returning to my husband, at the core, was that I love his family. I love that my self-confidence has been built by them. I love that no matter what was going on in their lives they took the time to see how I was, took the time to build me up, took the time to listen with non-judgemental ears. They would listen and tell me their experience, but then they would say, “But you do what you feel is right.”

If I didn’t do what they thought I should, that wasn’t a problem for them. They simply accepted it and we moved on. It was never brought up again. It was never beaten down in a spiteful fury. It simply was.

These people are my family now.

I know that I have my mother, my maternal grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins that have been constants in my life from my mother’s side. We are celebrating the Flores family’s 101st family reunion in a few weeks.

I know where I come from.

I also have my father’s family, my Italian-Irish cousins, a people that I better identify with as I have such pale skin, crazy dark curly hair and eyes that change with my mood. 

These are all my blood relations, but blood is not the only thing that creates family.

Your family is the people who love you, whom you love, who have made unwritten commitments to you.

As anyone knows my divorce is final next week. I am supposedly a single momma with nothing tying me down…save the boys and all. But after talking to the people I consider family…I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure how all of us are going to move on. They love me and support my decision in my divorce, but they still want weekends and holidays with me.

Yesterday was the funeral for my ex husband’s stepfather’s stepmother (try saying that three times fast). While I was with this family it became clear to me that I am just as much a part of their family and life as they are of mine. Today, another phone call this one from my ex husband’s biological fathers family about his paternal grandmother. She is having tests run to determine what type of cancer has formed in her liver. Tomorrow at 7 am.

This is a woman whose couch I have sat on every morning for better than half of the last 11 years. At minimum twice every month since March. Usually I can be found at her house any Saturday morning I am in town. It is my refuge. My place of solace, my home away from home. My permanent address for the last 11 years has been her address.

These are the ties that bind and hold me in limbo. For all my heart I love these people. These are wonderful, amazing individuals and families that have become so much a part of who I am that no matter how I feel about being married to Danny, they are still a part of me.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine; she and I agree that for anyone to accept me and my baggage will have to be a saint. They may not even exist.

How can a man accept this? All of these people that are tied to a former marriage? How can they understand that these people are part of me and part of the deal? These are now my people as much as my blood relations are and in some cases, I go to them first for advice, support, and cherish every moment we have spent together.

Part of me says that if they can’t accept this they are not for me. Then there is another part of me is scared that I will never find someone who does accept them.

What do you think? How is it possible for someone to accept all of this? How is it possible for them to understand the love and ties that bind me to a man that I have divorced? How have you all handled this situation?

 

Does a forever love exist?

Today is a momentus occassion…my 100th post! Yay!!!

To make a really glorious impact I was going to write about attitude and gratitude and try to influence your Thanksgiving charity work.

Instead I have been pondering the reality of love. AND I would like to start out with something funny, so please – DO NOT be offended! Thank you.

Something I found on “Well Medicated Single Mommy” on Facebook the other day.

A girl in my women’s group told a story yesterday of a man who left his wife after 20 years of marriage because she was crippled by a stroke. In her greatest time of need, when the vows should matter most, he skates. That event in her life, she is one of the woman’s caregivers, has prompted my friend to question whether you can really love someone forever. Whether vows mean anything to anyone anymore.

Our group has differing opinions on whether forever exists in reality or in theory. One of my best gal pals says that it is due to our instant gratification bend in society. When things are challenging we no longer have to tough it out. In all honesty I think she might be right…to a point.

We are a world of microwaves, fast cars, incredible changes, easy access to sex, drugs, porn, and all manner of other unspeakables that pull at our attention until we no longer follow a well thought out path. We react instead of act and love falls into that category. We tell people that we love them, but are not “IN” love with them. Some people change partners like they do their underwear.

Loving the acts of love more than the emotions that should be involved.

I don’t shy from emotion. It’s life-blood. It makes my heart race and stomach flip-flop. I long to be in love. Perhaps not realistic love because we all know The Notebook was pure fantasy, but non-the-less that’s how I long to feel. I want to feel needed, longed for, and hoped for, and I want someone to know what I want more than I do. It is quite possible that Danny was that for me…at least for a while…but I have hopes that someone more amazing will be there for me for the rest of my days. 

I want love, respect, honesty, friendship, trust, the ability to communicate, and physical compatibility, with God as the cornerstone of the relationship. I think it’s only with all of those things that you can find the one who is supposed to be with you forever.

Without a faith in something greater than yourself, you will faulter.

Others in response to the question I posed on Facebook said:

**Yes. I think the problem is that we have such idealistic and unrealistic ideas about what that should be and don’t realize it’s often unconventional, but it does exist.

**Yep, if you’re a dog lover. lol

** Only with your children and God. The other kind is hollywood and bs.

**Yes. But it’s a choice. It isn’t easy, and you have to work at it every day, but it’s worth it. Every tear and every smile make it stronger.

**OH YES, You need to KNOW my wife to understand why it is possible for me to KNOW this.

**Yes…I think that once you truly love someone, you always love them. But loving someone & being committed to a healthy relationship with them that you intend on taking to forever are two different things. Gosh, Meg, such a complicated question. I may have to send you a more detailed explanation of my views on this via email. 🙂

How is it that so many have become so jaded? What is it that makes the others believe in it?

I think it is their faith. A belief in God, which is in essence, a belief in love. God (as I understand him) is love. God is who holds our hearts in wait until the right person comes along with the key. At least, after I had to let my marriage go that is where I have placed my heart.

I have been reading another book, as I am prone to do…and in it is a gorgeous poem. One with a message that I think we need reminding of.

Within my heart a garden grows

Wild with violets and fragrant rose.

Bright daffodils line the narrow path

My footsteps silent as I pass.

Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest,

I kneel in prayer to seek God’s best.

For round my garden a fence stands firm

To guard my heart so I can learn

Who should enter and who should wait

On the other side of my locked gate.

I clasp the key around my neck

And wonder if the time is yet

If I unlocked the gate today

Would he come in or run away?

I do not want to hold this key

Lord, will You keep it safe for me?

Then when he comes

If he’s the one

You’ll unlock the gate

Until then, I’ll wait.

That is from the book, A Promise is Forever, by Robin Jones Gunn. It’s not the book I am reading, but that’s where it was quoted originally.

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs, and a head with 2 faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into 2 separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves….”

Unlike some my belief in God doesn’t keep me from exploring the other paths of spirituality, so I can totally understand the mythological perspective. Who will be that other half? If I knew, would I be typing this blog or too busy with the one I love to be so internal?? I would hope for the latter…

Dana sent her longer version of love to me, so I will simply quote her here, because what she said is pretty much nailing it on the head…

“In response to your question on Facebook, I do believe there is a forever type of love beyond what we experience with God, our children, and our family. But I do not believe that one can find that sort of love in someone who does not love them back. Love depends on reciprocation, and, to quote an amazing country song, “it’s only love when you’re loved in return.” The reason – love is all or nothing. Not only do you have to be willing to give it, but you have to be willing and able to receive it. Once you reach that level of devotion with someone else, I don’t think that ever goes away. Can the person go away, sure, but they take a piece of your heart and soul with them. I stated earlier that I believed there was a difference between loving someone and being in a committed, lasting relationship. I’m not sure that statement is so true. That commitment, that yearning to experience life with someone, that unrelenting desire to please the other person – the very ingredients of true love – are also the definition of a committed relationship, I think. I’m not sure that one can exist without the other for any lenth of time.”

YOUR TURN:

Does a forever kind of love exist?

Is honoring your vows real?

If you can’t fulfill your vows what influenced that decision?

Even if you have been down the road of divorce do you still believe?