My truth…(Just.Be.Enough Monday)

My truth…what’s my truth about me…I have been reading all the posts today and have thought of a hundred or so ways to spin it, but I have settled on this list.

Here are some random facts about me and/or the way I believe.

1) My all time favorite book is Tara Road, by Maeve Binchey. It’s entirely to do with the storyline and plot, and little to do with the prose.

2) I have an ever-changing philosophy of life, love, and the path to happiness.

3) There are some people who I love just as much as I dislike them. Well, maybe not their entire person, but some of the internal parts of their person.

4) Love and Marriage are not one in the same. You can have love or you can have marriage, but a marriage with a person you are in love with is amazing.

5) Sometimes the only way to perk me up is to put on some RHCP or Foo Fighters. I think back to when I was young and carefree, and before life started to take its course. Then I can drag myself up out of the mire long enough to look around and say, “Hey, I’ve got it pretty good.”

6) I have been struggling with a deep depression lately. Like piles of laundry depression where even though I’ve taken the steps to make sure everything is clean I don’t really care if it makes it to the shelves and closets. My dishes are done, but only because after moving from 2000 miles away I only purchased what was needed to exist. I don’t have the option of letting it pile up.

7) I don’t generally believe people when they say I am beautiful. You can say it and I can say thank you and there maybe times when I think you could be right, but rarely and never all the time.

8 ) I have 4 pairs of black flats.

9) As much as I complain about being a chubby girl I do so little to change the fact that it’s laughable. I joined a new gym last week, so we will see how that works. So far, I haven’t been back.

10) I would love to plan weddings. I think they are beautiful. I would love to plan big ornate weddings. If I couldn’t plan them I would love to bake the cakes for them or provide the catering. Making something beautiful is just something I love to do.

11) I start doing lots of things, but it’s only the things I am very passionate about that I see through to the end.

12) I want to one day own a business of my own. Not a Mary Kay or Avon type business, but a business with a building and customers. I think it would be a blast to own a bar and have musicians play and people hang out and have fun. Then again I would love a bed and breakfast. I worked in B&B’s for several years and love that you can live in beauty and provide a place of beauty to people 24/7. Love that.

My favorite place that I ever worked was Ant Street Inn in Brenham, TX. I worked there while going to school. I often dreamed that one day I could own a place similar to it. But in my dream, the restaurant/breakfast room down stairs was a sound proofed bar where people wanted to hang out. (Here’s a link if you want to check it out. http://www.antstreetinn.com/ )

I’m really not sure which of my dreams the good Lord will bless me with or if he will give me a new one entirely, but I hold to the truth that it is His will that leads me and His plan that I will follow.

http://www.justbeenough.com/

Phenomenal Female Fridays #1 – Linda!

Starting today and continuing every Friday we are going to highlight some of the amazing women I know who have helped create my unique view of the world.

All the women who are going to be participating were given the same questions. Listed below.

1) Please share your first name, age, and occupation (if you have one). 

2) Are you where you had dreamed when you were a child? Are you where you planned as a teenager? 

3) Do you think that you are wiser for the things you have been through that got you here? 

4) What do you dream for your future?

5) If there was one thing you could change about pop cultures’ philosophy of things what would it be?

6) Do you allow what is popular to influence you? Explain either way.

7) Who inspires you?

8 ) Do you think you inspire others? (If you got this then you do. :))

9) What do you think the secret to happiness is?

10) Please share one life altering thought, concept, or event.

 

Each person is allowed to edit, omit, or respond how they wish, that way you guys don’t get bored with simple Q&A sessions.

 

This first person is my mother, Linda.

 

She is an artist.

 

She is a creative with a magnetic energy that attracts people to her like coffee to Starbucks. We do love our Starbucks.

 

She and I have been through a lot (mostly my doing,) but we are coming back to that place where the daughter realizes that the mother was so right about so many things.

 

Will the life of a mother and daughter each with a strong personality and view of the world ever be perfect? Probably not, but the older I get the more we get along and I love that. I am going to continue to try my hardest.

 

Linda! (AKA My Mom)

53 years, 34 jobs, 33 cars, 6 kids and 3 husbands later…All I am REALLY sure of, is that I KNOW I do not know all the answers but the journey toward the knowledge is always good.

 

There is no simpler or better way to answer it all. Love you Mom!

 

Skeered (nope scared)

I’m skeered. No, really I am scared. Scared to death that as I start into my 30’s I will be forced to grow up. Not that I don’t have lots of responsibilities, but that I will have to become a lot less child like.

No…that’s not right…maybe the word is forthright.

Yep – forthright

forthright adj  (From www.m-w.com)

Definition of FORTHRIGHT

1 archaic : proceeding straight on

2: free from ambiguity or evasiveness : going straight to the point <a forthright critic> <was forthright in appraising the problem>

3: notably simple in style or quality <forthright furniture>

 

Yep that’s it. I am going to have to release the ambiguity and stop being evasive.

 

Oh – wait – I do not evade…I may charge headlong into a problem without knowing the clear solution, but I don’t evade. I have proof!

 

I do occasionally have ambiguous thoughts and actions…so I may seem to be evading. BUT not like some.

 

Here is a dilemna…girl likes boy, boy likes girl, boy doesn’t ask girl out, girl asks boy out, and he can’t give a straight yes or no. That is what I mean by evading. I don’t do that. I might say maybe, but I will tell you why maybe. Some people are just programmed to not hurt others.

 

Except by being ambiguous they do it anyway. In a word they are scared.

 

BUT THAT’S OKAY! We are all scared. We are afraid of being hurt, having our hearts trampled, and even worse, not even being given a chance.

 

Oh well…what’s a girl to do!?

 

Move on and hope that somewhere out there is what she should be finding.

 

On the subject of scared you also have to touch on bravery…I met a 16-year-old boy that puts the “men” I know to shame on the bravery factor.

 

My niece invited the poor boy to a party with about 25 grown ups – and he came! These aren’t just any grown ups either, these were her grandmother, great-grandmother, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, and more. We are a loud family, that would have been intimidating for me if it wasn’t my family, but this kid did it! Props to you!!!

 

He was forthright. He was aggressive. He liked her enough to brave the waters of our loud crazy family to seek approval and get with her.

 

Ahh…the lessons we can learn from one so young!

 

When seeking that which our hearts desire we need to be patient, but we also need to be aggressive. (I hear that old cheer in my head right now. “BE aggressive, BE-EE Aggressive!”) So much of life today is instant gratification we don’t face the issues head on. We skirt around trying to get what we want without having to do the work to get there. We are scared that any action we take could lead to failure.

 

Again I ask – WHO CARES!?!?

 

The only one in your life that will know if you did or did not act is you. You are the person who will be forced to recount anything that occurs in your life. Wouldn’t you rather have acted on your feelings or your emotions? What if you didn’t act, could you live life thinking about what may have happened?

 

We are ultimately going to think about the road we have taken to get where we are, and I want that road (at least in my life) to be a solid path. I want to know this choice made this effect this, which effected this, and so on and so forth. No, they may not have all been the right choice, but it doesn’t matter! It simply means I made a move, I chose action instead of inaction! That’s all part of it.

 

That’s how we grow and learn and become better human beings.

 

Make a few mistakes. Let life get a little messy. If you live life with hospital corners, you won’t be living. There shouldn’t be a defined path, there should be a general idea, but not a defined ABC path.

 

Allow yourself to be scared. Face whatever it is that has got you so wound up. Be direct. Be forthright. Be aggressive.

 

If you don’t get the results you were hoping for you can at least say you did it.

Searches that found my site…Life’s too short.

Jill at www.scarymommy.com has posted about some of the terrible ways that people have found her site before. Some of the searches are sick and some are hilarious. Today, I have been staring at my screen since 8 am wondering what to type. I haven’t really been able to focus lately.

Big surprise there, right?

Well, I was looking at the stats because of some odd morning activity, and I glanced at the search terms that brought people to my page. Two of the searches are below; I would very much like to address them because they make me a sad.

“life is too short to waste a second on someone who doesn’t value you at all”

“don’t trust too much, don’t hope too much and don’t love too much. because that too much can hurt you”

Why does it make me sad that people found me with these search terms? Because I say the exact opposite, however I have lived these, so I thought I would address them.

We are really just dots on the timeline of the earth. I read somewhere today that man belongs to earth, earth doesn’t belong to man. How true this is! We treat the earth with little regard for the future, and we call it progress. Even though what is going on will strangle the life out of our precious home. If we take and take and take from her, what will she have left to give?

As I am a girl I can only address this from my female perspective…guys chime in on the comments.

There are some men that take and take from women with little regard for them. So the idea that, “life is too short to waste a second on someone who doesn’t value you at all,” is true enough. I remember there was a website somewhere for the Houston area about scoring with the women in this city, and how you could rate them and everything. That is one of those bits of information that just make me ill. I don’t want any sort of scoring system simply because I am single. That’s both disgusting and disturbing.

At the same time, I can pour my heart out to a guy and they will not be able to fulfill what I want, but I waste precious time thinking about why. Why couldn’t they do what I wanted for a change? It had little to do with how much or how little they valued me, but to waste energy on something that isn’t is useless. A lesson I am learning myself at the moment.

As for the second search, “don’t trust too much, don’t hope too much and don’t love too much. because that too much can hurt you.” Who cares if it hurts.

Who cares if you wear your heart on your sleeve and are able to tell people how you feel?! We should all be so bold! I speak to the fact that we all need to tell those we care about that we love them, that we like them, that we need to move mountains to make their dreams reality. We need to focus on ourselves also, but if there is something they want to do and you are able to do it then by all means have at it.

I am someone who does have problems with trust. I fear that the bottom will fall out. I fear that the person I chose to love won’t love me back the same way. I fear that at the end of the day it means less to them than it does to me. That has in fact happened to me, and yes it hurts. It hurts a lot, but that doesn’t mean you should give up and call it life. It means that at that moment they aren’t for you.

What is life if not to hope? Hope is the essence of everything. Without hope there is nothing. Hope too much that is an order!

Loving too much? There is no such thing. In reading, A Course in Miracles, I learned that love simply is. If you love you can not love too little or too much because love is not something that can be measured in size. My son and I have a game that we play were we say I love you to the moon and back, no I love you to the stars and back. We go all the way out to encompassing the universe and back, then we go in the reverse direction. We get as small as we possibly can in our love chat because no matter what – it is still love.

Too much is in the eye of the beholder. I am too much. I admit that. I feel too much. I hold on too tight. I love too much. I talk too much. I hope too much. I want too much out of life. I expect too much far too soon. I live too much. I crave too much. Some things when they end are painful. Letting go of the things I hold on to hurts. Loving someone who doesn’t love me back hurts a lot. But that’s just part of life.

We must experience all things and if we live life trying to avoid pain, we will do nothing but avoid life.

This life is precious.

Be too much because it’s the things you didn’t do that you will look back on and wonder about.

What Makes you Smile? (Prompt from Just.Be.Enough)

The last seven days I have been in a fog. I haven’t felt anything but sadness for love lost and so tragically taken. Not that I was seeing him, hadn’t lived with him in years, but the bonds that formed that relationship never really severed. Few people realize that I feel things fully. (Any regular reader maybe learning that by now…but I don’t know where the off switch is.)

Last week I was not in a mood to smile. I was not in a mood to laugh. In fact I was crying and overly emotional most of it. Sad song on the radio or words that had meaning and I lost it…all week last week was that way for me. Ugh…hate that.

My one attempt at requesting jokes from a friend of mine failed terribly. Thanks for that. 😐 But you didn’t know, and still you don’t understand. The only person who actually understood what I was going through and why was Danny (my ex husband.)

Danny – your ability to accept me warts and all still amazes me. You should teach a class in acceptance.

I spent the weekend trying to find my happiness again because the hole I felt in my heart had not closed up. I spent the weekend trying to remember what makes me smile, hoping to remove the hurt from the pit of my stomach. 

Turns out that I am not the only one pondering what makes me smile. It’s this weeks prompt from Just Be Enough.

My Boys – Elijah and Michael

These two keep me rolling. They are so funny. Lately Michael has taken to pouncing on Elijah. More of a wrestling meets hug move, but Elijah laughs too. They keep me smiling.

My family

I wish I had a picture of all of us together that I could share because it is a huge family, but we are so varied and spread out. Mine and my children’s family tree looks like a 1000 year old oak. This weekend we went to the boys great grandmothers and hung out with her and the aunts for a while, then we went to my sisters for a while, then yesterday we hung out with another part. Also spoke to several family members whose relationships need a diagram to provide an explanation. 😀 Also determined that I need to actually write on my calendar. I am booking events and supposedly attending parties, and I have so many that I forget about them!

My friends

The tried and true ones who no matter what stupid stuff I get myself into they are there. I would not be the person I am with out you guys. Anytime I need it you are there with a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to my stories, and always with an encouraging “maybe next time.” You guys are the best. This past Saturday I was at a birthday party laughing and talking and remembering the rest of the world really helped. Thank you guys.

My church

Yes, I am referring to the crazy church. The one where people dance and holler and praise God without any inhibition. I spent about 6 hours with those folks yesterday celebrating 25 years of service by our pastors and I felt so much better afterward. The love and kindness they have shown me makes me want to be the best person I can be. Makes me want to show them that I can walk the walk. By that I don’t mean live perfectly. I mean see the joy in the trials, see God’s hand in the pain, and try to live as commanded in love and forgiveness.

Possibilities

Yes, possibilities make me smile. I am of a thinking nature and any time spent thinking of the things that I have done, am doing, or will do makes me smile. Thinking of the possibilities for the future makes me laugh, smile, and continue to send out good creative thoughts.

Compliments

The best way to perk someone up when they are down, tell them how lovely they are. After cleaning up the party yesterday a few of us were sitting down drinking coffee and talking when the electricity started to flicker while I was turning off a lamp. A lovely friend of mine said it was my fault for my magnetic smile and electric personality. Haha! Turns out there was a grass fire across the street, but it still made me feel good.

As you wander through your day or week try to remember what makes you smile.

If that is someone you care about let them know. If it is something you like to do, go do it.

Live life deliberately.

Courageous

On the way to work this morning I was hearing this song for perhaps the 100th time, I was singing along and I feel compelled to share it with you. It was written for the men in the world. Telling you about who you were made to be.

Who you should strive to be.

The influences on life and culture don’t speak to who a man should be anymore. They speak to how he should look and what he should be able to buy.

Who do you think you should be? What do you think you should be doing?

A few years ago, after I left my husband for the first time I discovered that EVERY woman in my office – there were about 35 of us – had been divorced at least once. Everyone. They had started lives with men and then found that although they looked old enough, they were still boys. They played games instead of taught their children how to act. They got high or wasted instead of helping provide for their families. The women had to pick up the slack.

We don’t like to pick up that much slack. We don’t like the world on our shoulders.

The children of these women had no male role models involved in their life on a day to day basis. The fathers were not involved in their lives even on a monthly basis.  The women struggled for everything they had while they were single mothers.

Single parenting is hard, but single parenting in comparisson to being married to a man-child is much easier. We aren’t met with the anger and frustration of having someone laze around all day and STILL expect us to wait on them hand and foot AFTER we have gotten home from pulling a 10 hour shift at work.

Women are certainly not the weaker sex. Personally I don’t think either sex is weaker. I think we were just made for different jobs, and somewhere along the road to enlightenment someone forgot that.

In an effort to help you to understand I pulled this list from Proverbs 31 ministries – it is not the list in Proverbs 31, but it gives you the general idea.

The Seven Principles of the Proverbs 31 Woman

The Proverbs 31 Woman…

 Pursues an ongoing, personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

 Loves, honors, and greatly enriches the life of her husband, encouraging and supporting his leadership within his family and his church.

 Nurtures the next generation, shaping and molding the children who will one day define who we are as a community and as a nation. 

Creates a warm and loving environment for family and friends. 

Is a faithful steward of the time and money God has entrusted to her. 

Speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction as she encourages others and develops godly friendships.

 Shares the love of Christ by extending her hands to help the poor and opening her arms to the needy.

Likewise  – I googled “What the Bible has to say about being a man.” There is not a website like Proverbs 31 for you guys. No wonder you don’t know what you are doing! Just kidding…

There is a post in Yahoo Answers that I came across that has a list of chapters and verses that I encourage you to read. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111013132937AAwVrn2

1 Timothy Chapter 5
8. BUT IF ANY provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

1 Corinthians Chapter 13
11. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Ephesians Chapter 5
25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Ecclesiastes Chapter 4
9. Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
10. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.

Titus Chapter 2
3. The aged women likewise, that [they be] in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4. That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5. [To be] discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

1 Peter Chapter 3
7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
8. Finally, [be ye] all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, [be] pitiful, [be] courteous:
9. Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

Philippians Chapter 2
2. Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, [being] of one accord, of one mind.
3. [Let] nothing [be done] through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Philippians Chapter 2
14. Do all things without murmurings and disputings:

Ephesians Chapter 5
29. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Proverbs Chapter 15
1. A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

Ephesians Chapter 4
29. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
31. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

Ephesians Chapter 5
4. Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.

Ephesians Chapter 4
32. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

John Chapter 8
32. And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Source(s):http://search.barnesandnoble.com/King-Ja…

Men – be courageous. Be extraordinary. Be more than we expect you to be just because we women know that it’s in you – some where.

Women – Single or Married – give your guys a chance to be the men they need to be. Raise your sons to be the men you dreamed of having.

Everyone – Remember the golden rule and harm none.

Getting to know you

There is a learning curve when you are out meeting new people, or even old friends. Just as you are getting to know them or getting reaquainted with them you start to make assumptions about who they are without directly asking the questions. This morning I woke up singing the song “Getting to know you” from the King and I.

Why?

Because my history is full. I won’t say it’s checkered, but certainly eventful. Several of my friends are pushing me to write books about it all because if told properly is sounds more like a comedy in unfortunate dilemna’s.

I don’t think anyone would understand it without a book. It may also require a timeline and bubble notes.

How did you meet this person? How does that person fit? When were you in Europe? The bailbonds man seriously didn’t ask you for ID anymore? Why didn’t you leave him? When did you live with that person? You’re seeing who now? You ran away? From what?! Now you’re planning on doing what?!?!

“You’re insane, but I love you!”

It reads like an epic adventure. I want it to read like an epic adventure. I don’t want to have to say I didn’t try everything. I crave adventure. I crave life.

I don’t care if people think I am wild or crazy or surround myself with questionable people (on occassion.) These are the things that create memories. These are the people that make you want to have bigger and better experiences.

I am able to say that I have lived. I have loved. I have spoken the truth regardless of the circumstances. If I love you you know it. If I like you I tell you. If I want to know something I will ask.

If anyone ever wants to know anything about anything I have been through or done all they need to do is simply ask. This is my blanket permission slip.

In the past I wasn’t always open about events or the things that were happening. I was lost, ashamed, even afraid of the things that were going on, but no more.

I will no longer feel smaller than my spirit for choosing to live in the moment.

Our choices do not define us. We are a sum of so much more than our choices. In essence our choices don’t matter. We must take the initiative to live out loud. We must be able to fail and try again.

There are many people that I would like to get to know better, currently only one that I would like to get reaquainted with completely. What encourages them? What do they dream? How did they do all of these amazing things? What brought out their voice and created their presence?

This just about sums it up for me…

If you want to know something about the people in your life ask them questions directly, if they lie to you, leave them.

If they are able to tell you the truth and you can handle it keep them forever.

What dreams may come?

Life is funny. No one really knows what they are doing. You can’t practice and you don’t get real do overs. You can’t rewind time and take back words or hurts.

All we can try to do is do the best with what we’ve got and hope it’s enough.

I am prompted today by the quote of the day from Real Simple magazine.

“Living is more a question of what one spends than what one makes.” -Marcel Duchamp

It is also prompted by my post from yesterday, my friend who died. He was very materialistic, he was a workaholic until he was an alcoholic, and the spent more time on the things in life that didn’t matter, instead of the ones that did.

Is that how I want to be remembered? No.

Certainly not! And after all we want to be remembered for the love we have shown, rather than the lies we have shared.

This is what I want by the time my end comes. I want my children to miss me. I want them to know that I beyond the sadness that I am with God and will never struggle again.

I want them to know that they should have a party, not a funeral.

I don’t want some solemn event that has nothing to do with who I am as a person. I think shots of Jack Daniels should be consumed. I think that it should contain lots of people having a great time. I will sit over in the corner like I always do just smiling. Then as far as a place to spread my ashes, toss me into the wind over Enchanted Rock and let me be.

I know it’s morbid to think about, but at some point we have to.

I hope that I have enough friends who want to be there and support my family. I hope that I am a good enough person to deserve their friendship.

HOWEVER

I have lots of dreams that need to be fulfilled in the next 70 years – yep I am planning on making it to 101. There is so much to see and do that I am sure I won’t accomplish it all, but I damn well am sure going to try.

We must dream. We must seek our future.

Living each moment as though it is your last.

We can easily become bitter and angry, holding on to the things and people who have injured us.

What’s the freaking point!?

That’s what I don’t understand!

Why allow something so small in terms of life consume you in terms of living?

Addiction, abuse, anger, and so much more take our minds and control them, and we lose sight of the things we need. We need to get over those things. We need to find a path to enlighten our joy.

To heighten our awareness of ourselves.

We need to let go and move on.

We need to talk to each other and we need to listen.

Listening is so important to finding that path to fulfillment.

Have down time. At lunch today the whole department was chatting and the dean told us that he read an article that people no longer have down time.

How can you think and create if you are always plugged in?! Unplug! Unwind.

Relax!

If we are going to create this magnificent future for ourselves we need a place to create the vision and we need to be free of ourselves long enough to see it through.

Love, blessings, and magic birthday hugs from me!

Live and Love now

No one wants to look back at their life and say I should have fallen in love more. Or that I could have helped this person more or done this differently. No one wants regrets or their good memories to fade. No one wants to feel pain and the utter agony of losing someone they love.

The problem is that all of these things happen. They happen all too often.

A few years ago while I was at work a man sat down in my office and started talking. We took brief breaks from the conversation, but always picked right back up where we left off. We talked about everything from the weather to the kids anything, no subject was forbidden.

We spent hours talking everyday into the wee hours of the morning when we would finally fall asleep. We were friends, then best friends, then something more.

When I finally found out about all of his problems I did everything in my power to try to help him. It was in one of a hundred or so evenings spent talking late into the night that I found out he was an alcoholic. He had a temper. He had an abusive past. That he had dated a friend of mine, but they didn’t get along at all. (Chel I spoke of her death a few weeks ago.) He could be trusted to a point, but he could barely trust himself, so I couldn’t put complete faith in him either.

I learned just as much about myself from this relationship. Mostly that I didn’t want to live with an alcoholic ever again. I thought he was different from my husband whom I had been separated from for months, but he wasn’t. They were the same. He just came with a giant house, flashy car, he was gainfully employed (for a time) and he was doting. Anything I needed he just gave it to me.

I learned here that material items don’t matter. I learned that no matter what it looks like from the outside it can be a train wreck on the inside. I found out that I would rather live in the dumpiest apartment that contains honesty and love, than the biggest house built on distrust and disillusionment.

After an afternoon invasion by his ex-wife I learned some terrifying information and began to try to get him to commit to a rehab facility. He said he didn’t need to go. So instead he had a breathalyzer installed in his car. So that he could prove to me he wasn’t drinking. Well…he just stopped going anywhere. He stopped showing up at work and left major projects to the help. He was troubled and I felt stuck.

About a month and some very persuasive phone calls from his daughters I was finally able to check him into a facility. He was committed to a 30 day program and had high hopes. Imagine my surprise when four days later his ex girlfriend drives up with him and he says “he’s all better.”

I left two weeks later. I cut myself out of his life, disappeared off the radar, threw the cell phone he had given me into a trash can in Milford, CT. He had been calling every day telling me that he had made a mistake, and that he loved me and wanted me back. I wanted him to get run over by a car and die. He hurt me, he hurt people I care about.

But I loved him. I guess that’s really how abuse plays out. We love them in spite of the things that they do to us. I didn’t throw the phone away because I was angry with him. I threw the phone away because I would have broken down and let him come get me. Eminem’s song, “Love the way you Lie” that was us.

Gasoline and fire.  It was intense and crazy. I don’t recommend it.

Fast forward to Sept. 22, 2011, I get a random invitation to friend him on a social networking website. I replied telling him he should kiss my tuckus, but we have been emailing ever since. Until about a week ago.

Yesterday I found out why.

My heart is a little fragile lately and now it’s a little broken. He was actually hit by a car trying to cross a street. I don’t know if he had tried mixing alcohol with his medications, all I know is that he was taken by life flight to the medical center. He was on life support until Friday and then he was removed from the machines that were allowing him to continue to live.

I think if I had heard this news before Sept 22, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. I was still angry. I was still caught in the past pains we had caused each other. He had apologies and explained everything that had happened since I left. I had explained a few things to him as well and now…now none of it matters.

I implore you to tell the people you care about what you are thinking. Don’t waste a minute on feeling bad for yourself and your thoughts and your fears. We all have them wouldn’t you rather be afraid and with someone who can relate, than detached and with someone who simply wants to use you?

Live now. Love now.

Don’t waste a second because you never know which second is your last.

Notes to my 17 year old self

First off you are not fat. You may not be the same size nothing as everyone else, but it’s really not that bad. You my dear are curvy and that will never change no matter how little you eat.

Second that guy you like, ask him out, because he is freaking shy, and if you wait it will hurt you later. Deal with it now while you are young.

Figure out what you want to be when you grow up. Movie star and singer are a little less than realistic. Find at least one thing you enjoy doing that is realistic. Even if you don’t have to go to some big huge school to accomplish it. Working hard is an honorable profession. You won’t have all the things you want, but you will have all that you need.

If you see someone who can drink all night long and still look normal – RUN in the other direction. They are NOT for you.

BUT if you do meet them and you like them and you live with them and eventually have kids with them…DON’T REPEAT the pattern and keep going back after you say you are finished. IT’s like a bad record. No one likes to hear a bad record.

Don’t have kids until you are prepared to live in one place for the next 20 years. If you feel the gypsy within after you have kids, slap the b—h and tell her not now.

Remember the golden rule – Do unto other’s as you would have them do unto you.

Think globally, buy locally.

Get a tattoo.

Eat dinner alone in a restaurant.

Read more Jane Austen.